Monday, November 29, 2010

Well Butter My Butt And Call Me A Biscuit

Better get comfy, this is going to be long. Make sure you have refreshments to get you through this post.

Last few weeks have been interesting during my bible time. I don't want to say I'm slow but God certainly has had to walk me around the same path a few times to get it. And even then He had to repeat it a few times.

Huh.

I was all woe is me, I must have a defect - please Lord change me!! Now granted, this has been a prayer of mine since I was 14. But for whatever reason, He decided to reveal a few things that has turned a few things upside down.

For as long as I could remember I've had a hunger to know God. I would read about Abraham and while there were a few passages that makes me shake my head, he had a boldness with God, a familiarity. He knew God and I wanted that.

Fast forward a lot of years, a lot of junk, and at the end of myself - again. For the last few years I had been so frustrated that my relationship with Him hadn't been deepening but instead had become stale. I upped my bible time, was in 2 bible studies, was told I wasn't praying enough. I was doing all that I knew to do and it was just off. Didn't help I was in a "church" that really isn't into doing things God's way but yet another established church where the pastor's kingdom come and the pastor's will be done. It wasn't a safe place to be while going through a hard time. All I was met with was judgement and condemnation. That is not the body of Christ. Sadly, I wonder if I've even experienced it.

In my early years I needed church to keep me grounded. I needed the "this is the way we go to church" routine to keep me putting one foot in front of the other until I walked out of some pits. Thankfully, I've grown up a lot since then. And my relationship with God has grown a lot as well. But there is still this feeling of wanting to know God more.

This last year really has been a journey about letting go of a lot of things. One being my preconceived ideas, especially about God. I was reading a book about a girl who grew up Christian and had done all the "right" things. Then life happened and she felt abandoned by God. While I didn't totally relate to the character as she became an alcoholic, she asked questions I've struggled with. Those nasty questions where religion and reality have collided and don't make sense. And all you get is pat answers from everyone around you as they back away from you hoping whatever it is you have doesn't jump on them.

I'm still slowly chugging through Beth Moore's Believing God. I do not know why this has been so hard for me to get through but I can tell you God's hand has had me on the slow path to get a few things at just the right time. I can't even begin to reference all the books - even if it's just a couple chapters to help on this journey. Trying to find my stones from the middle of Jordan, so to speak, in some dark ugly memories. Been angry about a lot of things. One book said that anger isn't the first emotion we feel, that it is a defense - that fear, hurt, and frustration with someone or some situation have built to the point that anger has to step in to try and deal with it. Makes sense. Sort of expanded a bit of setting boundaries.

I was having a hard day. Ran into a former friend who all but spat in my general direction. It was in the whole woe is me I must suck when God was like "no, there isn't anything wrong with you."

Come again?

I started listing people and what has been said about me, what was done and God listed right back every woman who ever did me dirty was flat out jealous of me on some level or another. I'm not saying that to be all look at me. Hardly. I didn't even believe God first go around. No one is ever jealous of the fat chick. Doesn't matter what accomplishments are made, someone always tosses the 'well you're fat card' as if that makes you less of a person. What cracks me up is those people are usually the most shallowest people to boot. That's like saying your momma in a cut down. Go home junior before you hurt yourself.

But I digress.

He pointed out each person and situation and what they were jealous over. The majority of them were hands down jealous over my marriage. This has me stumped. All those women - we're all married and all have kids. I guess I would be more understanding had the playing field been different but not the case. Seriously don't get it. My marriage has just as much bumps, ups and downs as anyone else. God got very specific - and all the little digs, all the underhanded crap that they have put me through stemmed from the grass is greener on the either side mentality.

My first comment was are we in freaking junior high?? I get being jealous - who hasn't? But I have never done someone dirty on those feelings. Matter of fact, those have been moments when God has been in my face to bless them, to go above and beyond. I have - sometimes with gritted teeth and an award winning performance to be sincere. These have been women, some older than me so I'm thinking should know better, spouting God's word and yet have pulled some petty crap.

Unbelievable.

And I've been shoved through the emotional wood chipper wondering what the freak was wrong with me that it happens over and over because why??

While I don't get it, it was very reassuring that it wasn't ME that was the issue OR the one with the problem. Very healing. And at the same time a tad bit confusing. Now I have to figure out how to survive people without taking their crap. That is going to take awhile because I know I am still a bit gun shy around people. I feel like I finally have new growth - new hope - so no way am I letting people come in and dump all over it again.

But for 2 days it just kept hitting me that I'm not the defect. Couldn't believe that all that junk, all that pain, and to see what was behind it. Oh mah gosh.

I did see a nasty pattern that has been in my life for a long time and I now see why. A lot of religious formulas, if you will, for dealing with life had left my relationship with God almost totally drained. One more thing I thought I had failed at. But I've been finding out that hasn't been the case. The character in the book found that her idea of God was off through certain teachings. I'm not saying toss church away but I see how the church has so missed God in a lot of areas. So many people are just worn out trying to earn their gold star of approval, to keep "fighting the good fight of faith" and the cost has been to be still and know God.

The last year of going and doing nothing has forced myself to go through some serious alone time with God and finally settling down and getting to know Him. Nothing to pull me away but to have quality time with Him. I've been able to be there for someone that had I kept the frantic pace it wouldn't have happened. Plus I haven't been caught up in anyone's drama. It's been eye opening, it has pulled us closer as a family, I've seen huge changes in all of us for the good, and like I said, I finally feel hope again. I don't like that we are isolated but I feel it's only for a season and there has been a lot of good that has come out of it.

Wonder what else God has in store during this walking on the water experience? Because so far this has been wild.

2 comments:

Kerri said...

Hmmm...very cool. Glad you got some insight! I need to get my day more structured...cuz what I got now just ain't workin'!

Dianne said...

See, I told you it wasn't you!