Thursday, December 30, 2010

Stuffmart Strikes Back

Oh Interpeeps, I am thinking of starting a campaign of never leaving the house. I hear you can order food online and it will be shipped to you. I may have to look into that because it would be better than having wally world go all gangsta on me and get it's revenge.

Yet again I was dragged kicking and screaming from the safety of my home to the cold world of stuffmart to load up the carts so I can then try to make it into something edible.

As if.

I think I need to demand a raise. Except Hubby usually says you can't get blood from a turnip. I think he's still mad at me that I took that as a challenge rather than just a saying. Why else did he gas me up one lane and down the other? Evil ploy to keep my mouth shut. It worked to. I must say, he's been upping his game lately. He's been snarky and sassy for the last week. We had a telemarketer call 100 times 1 day and he answered, "Buddy the elf, what's your favorite color" and then hung up. It took me about 5 minutes to come out of shock because while dude will joke around with me, he doesn't do that. Ever.

It was a proud moment for me.

So while gas fumes burned my eyes, I ran into a bit of a snafu that stuffmart has yet to restock their shelves and was low on like everything. At least all the stuff I needed to get. As far as stuffmart stories go it was uneventful...until we headed to the check out. I'm not sure if it was the fumes or the sprain from rolling my eyes back into my head about 20 times as there were only 2 lanes open and 1 of them was for 10 items or less but it was painful.

For reals? 2 lanes??

After standing there for 15 minutes, the line started to get a wee bit backed up as in all the way back to the dairy section, so someone called for a all hands on deck. We jumped lanes several times only to get cut off by several other people. With a 3 cart haul, we don't move too fast. Hubs almost made it but a woman elbowed him out of the way. If I could get security to replay the tape I am willing to bet she just lifted up her unwashed arm and gassed Hubs. After what he put me through, I thought it was funny.

Thankfully, I was able to keep it to myself. Especially after I got a whiff of her.

Another 20 minutes goes by and I came to a quick conclusion that a lot of people there were unwashed and seemed to have just smoked a whole carton of cigarettes right before they came in. People, I know it's the holidays and all but soap is your friend. I promise.

Good granny! I was just relieved the spawn didn't start to gag or toss bars of soap at people. Hubs, in rare form, grabbed a sample hand sanitizer and was able to toss it in smelly-McSmellerton's cart. I didn't know if I should applaud him or pull an intervention. He's supposed to be the calm one on this crazy train and now he's pulling stuff I wouldn't. Heaven help us!

That was only the beginning of this sad tale of woe. More torture came when we were already in line when the gal directing traffic insisted we get in lane 9 when we were already in lane 7. She kept making a fuss even though my gut was telling to stay put. V8 slap to the head for not following the gut. In my defense following that gut on occasion has lead to some serious regret of choices of food I have consumed but I digress.

After being bullied into lane 9 and waiting another 10 minutes is when the real torture showed up. The cashier seemed super sweet, however, she was super slow. Not like Scooter slow but like all those beeps and buttons where just too much for her to handle. If that wasn't bad enough right when it was our turn - as in food was already on the belt, we ain't taking it off, we're in for the long haul - evil Edna took over for slow sweetie.

We all recognized evil Edna and squeaked out a group groan.

Evil Edna is about 82 years old and wants you to feel her pain by moving slower than the speed of smell. She slowly dragged each item across the scanner not convinced it picked up the bar code and then tried again. I can not tell you how many times she ended up double scanning things. Then she had to tilt her head back to look through her bifocals to see which button she should push.

I think by the 15th time Michael was starting to whimper for mercy. Jared had already passed out and collapsed on a bench and Nicholas and Hubs quietly discussed how horribly slow this woman was and we've had her before. And she is still just as evil.

I think every negative thought anyone has ever had about me all came together to resided in evil Edna. I know because she then took another 5 minutes to scan my pathetic amount of coupons. She then argued with me and refused to scan 1 of my coupons said I was trying to use 2 coupons for 1 item. I said we had 2 of the same item and therefore 2 coupons. She wasn't having any of it.

My spawn, at this point, were twitching and were asking me with their minds to just let it go so we could get out of there. And because she is evil she then screws up my debit transaction. I swear she does this on purpose to get back at us for having to bag everything. Every time we've had her, my card is declined and I have to do the whole check thing. And she makes me show my id. Twice. After pushing the wrong button.

I so wanted to push her buttons. Oh how I hate evil Edna! It's one thing if you don't know what you are doing, it's another when it's done on purpose. And the evil sneer she gave me left me no doubt that it wasn't an oops-adent.

I bet her depends gives her a wedgie and that's why she was so evil.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Holy Darts Batman

I stopped counting how many times I heard this was the best Christmas ever! And that was just from Hubs. To say it has been a zoo would be an understatement. The noise, even the smell has been a bit much for my delicate senses to take in.

The epic Nerfpalooza has gone well. I do have pictures but all you can see are tiny streaks as the darts fly by. And they didn't show up very well. You would think the obnoxious orange colored things would show up wonderfully. Wrong-o! I was even able to record a short clip of it off my camera, which I'm still surprised it could do that, but now have no idea how to post it.

Every pillow, chair, and blanket was confiscated to create forts. If they expect dinner tonight then someone is going to have to take their fort down so we can use the table. I'm trying my darndest to get out of cooking. So far it's not looking good for the home team. You would think with all the reading laundry I'm trying to get done this would give me an out. Yeah, think again.

But we have been having a lot of fun. They are in the other 2 rooms having a blast - literally, and I'm in the room with the wood burning stove, a new sherpa blanket and a nice stack of books. And I'm near the kitchen so if I snagged something they know nothing about it. Muwahahaa!

I now have a bit of a conundrum. My in-laws were supposed to be coming up for New Years but my FIL is on call with the plant so they won't be able to make it until the following week. Eat all this junk I've planned for New Year's without others to share it with?? Oh golly gee....OK! But I was so using the in-law visit to get out my Dad's family Christmas thing. It's not that I don't like that side of the family but there are a few cousins that you just know were Ritalin sniffers in their younger years and the effects showed up in their children. It's those types of "relatives" I would like to avoid.

On top of that, some of them ratted me out to my folks what I was putting on facebook about them. I was going to put For Sale - 1 P.I.T.A. mother - will toss in laid back Dad in for free. And then see who could figure out what pita was standing for but my spider senses were tingling telling me that would so get found out.

Dang it.

What's the point of ripping on someone if they find out about it???

Show of hands on who's trying to figure it out.

Pain
In
The
As I was saying, I have a feeling I would so get caught.


For instance, my Mom won't even bring up the gathering as I have an out BUT as luck would have it (as in I'm screwed) the in-laws will be landing just in time for my birthday. Oh happy day. And Mumsy called me Sunday to say they might come up for my birthday. Cwap.

I just want to say whoever has been praying a whammy on me, it will come back on you cuz I'm rubber and you're glue.

I blew it off with a we'll see. I looked at Hubs and begged him to move me several states away - like now. Sadly, no such luck. Looks like I'll be spinning the wheel of doom a few more times to see what it has in store for me.

You can just tell I'm just full of excitement and wonder. And a few of you are thinking I'm full of something but it's neither excitement or wonder. That's not entirely true because I now wonder if that is the cause of some of my insomnia. Eh, probably not.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Ho Ho Humbug

Well, I will spare you the epic tale of my folk's visit last night. I sort of bailed on my guys and hid in the kitchen making cookies while they played a card game with my parents. My parents at least like them so it was safer. I didn't down a pan of cookies, instead I dreamed of cold-cocking my Mom upside the head but I think that would reinforce that whole I'm going to hell she tried to dump on me. I did quip back at least I would keep her company.

And that's when the fight started.

I'm still trying to recover and when I'm like this I turn to humor. Who couldn't use a laugh or 50 right about now? Goodness knows I sure could. So...


A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'


A little Christmas story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.


I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


And finally...

Maxine's Christmas Eve!

'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house...
Not a creature was stirring
Since the cat ate the mouse.
My support hose were hung
By the chimney with care.
(I hung them last Christmas and just left them there.)

My dog, Floyd, was nestled
All snug in his bed,
After watching the cat rip
The presents to shreds.

And I in my long johns
And ratty night cap
Had just settled my butt
For a long winter's nap.
When out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter,
I swore at the window,
"What the (blank) is the matter?"

I tore open the window,
Not a second to tarry,
All ready to throw
The noisemaker a berry.

A bright moon was lighting
The new-fallen snow...
And I had a moon of my own
Set to show.
Floyd was beside me,
Paw pointing the way
Toward eight tiny reindeer
Hitched up to a sleigh...

And a little old driver
So cheery and quick,
I thought for a moment
That I would be sick.

Like a bat out of...you know,
His reindeer they came,
And I whistled and shouted
And called them some names--
"Hey, Hornhead! Hey, Furface!
Hey, Weiner and Turkey!
Yo, Klutzy and Mangy
And Venison Jerky!

Stay off of my porch!
Get away from my wall!
Now hit the road, hit the road,
Hit the road, all!

But as pedestrians before
My old Buick, they fly
And head for high ground
With great fear in their eyes,
So up to my rooftop
The fleabags they flew,
With a sleigh full of toys
And old Fruitcake-Breath too.

And then, in a twinkling,
I heard on the roof
Holes in my new shingles
Made by each tiny hoof.

As I reached for my slingshot
And a marble as well,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas
Tumbled and fell.
He had a huge sack of
Cheap junk on his back
And I whispered to Floyd,
"Be prepared to attack."

His eyes they were squinting,
His toy bag was draggin',
And I felt for a moment
Like I'd soon be gaggin'.

He was dressed all in red.
With a bell on his hat.
And a belt of black leather
To hold back the fat.
A billowing pipe
He clenched tight in his smile,
And the smell was like something
Had been dead for awhile.

He had a broad face
And a little round belly
That shook when I nailed him
With a handful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump,
Well, actually porky,
And I laughed when I tripped him
(He looked pretty dorky).
He was like a beached whale
Unable to budge.
And he tasted good, too,
If the dog was a judge.

I spoke not a word
But went straight to my work--
A noogie, a wedgie,
A cry of "You jerk!"

Until laying a finger
Aside of his nose,
With a loud cry of "Uncle!"
Up the chimney he rose.
He sprang to the sleigh
And dragged in the toys,
Then he cried to the reindeer,
"Get me out of here, Boys!"

And I had to exclaim
As a slushball I tossed,
"Happy Christmas to all,
And to all a Get Lost!"

But then, as I turned,
I saw 'neath the tree
Two gaily wrapped presents--
One for Floyd, one for me.
A big bag of jerky
Turned Floyd mighty chipper,
While for me was a pair
Of brand-new bunny slippers.

I looked out the window,
And hovering there,
Old Santa was winking
From his sleigh in midair...
"Merry Christmas, Maxine!"
He cried, full of cheer,
"Same to you, Pal!" I answered,
("I'll get you next year!")


Hope ya'll have a great Christmas and that you can remember to laugh. Might be the only thing that keeps you from smacking the crap out of your relatives!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Why Do I Do This To Myself?

I just sat down to play more facebook games read some blogs when I realized I hadn't posted much of anything. I was feeling rather smug up until that realization hit me. I just did all the guys' laundry, had to hem up a few new pjs and got a bunch of ironing done. Then I looked at the clock and tried to figure out how it was already 3 am.

I guess I have my Mom's gene pool to thank for that lack of time space continuum and the belief that it exists. I'm so tired I'm not even sure what I just said there.

And I have a right to be tired after spending most of the day rotating the laundry and dealing with the older boys and their new MP3s. No easy task. After what felt like hours of torture, I couldn't take it any more and cried uncle. They said no worries as we are now half way done.

Good granny!

I thought I would toss out there that Hubby is about ready to crumble. They are all flipping out about yet another year of Nerf War. Part of me feels it is really, really wrong that we got 4 fully automatic Nerf things especially since we only have 3 children but there is all kinds of male bounding going on so who am I to break that up?

So far, Hubby is acting like the biggest kid.

The guys know what they are getting. After taking them clothes shopping and loading the music the only thing left is the Nerf stuff. Another year of me getting out of wrapping stuff. Holla! I guess knowing is half the battle and therefore the spawn have moved in on Hubs' weakness.

Oh how easily men crumble!

They have talked dude into bringing all the stuff in and Christmas eve they are going to open all of it, get it loaded with batteries and possibly set up a couple of the forts. I'm trying my best not to crack up laughing as they all plot and plan. So not fair, I have to make them do school work and deal with laundry and Hubs builds Legos and has Nerf wars with them and takes them camping. He so gets the fun parent vote. Except I totally win on the video games. Jared and I are both quite excited about the new Donkey Kong Country game that has been sitting under the tree taunting us both.

Not sure if I should hang my head in shame or own up to it. The vote is still out on that one. I would beg to be rescued but something tells me no such luck. I just got my book order so I guess I'm good. We have to brave the stores to get a few more stuff and then the last of the cookies will be baked. And I better not be the one stuck doing the dang cookie sheets! I will go all gangster on him if I have to.

At the mention of going to the store, the guys started making all kinds of suggestions for New Year's Eve snacks. I sort of blew them off as I said that's still a few weeks away. They told me I was way off since they are teenagers and they know everything - God help them.

They gave me quite the long list of things to pig out on snack on. I was thinking of stuff to make when I was suddenly hit with the desire for my Swiss Mushroom Bread Loaf. Oh man is this stuff good! Complete pain in the butt to make but oh so worth it. I have made this thing for years to take to women's functions at church but only once did the guys have a taste of it. So I told the crew what I was thinking and they all got drooly and started to bow in my presence. After 10 minutes of this, I finally stopped them.

I think it's going to be a good time around here.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Don't Forget The Sprinkles

I have no idea what the heck that is supposed to mean, but I guess this is some insider joke with my boys.

It happens from time to time that when we go grocery shopping that Stuffmart doesn't have everything we need so a jaunt across the way to Meijer's is needed. By this time the guys are crying uncle and chances are I've threatened a time or 50 to run my spawn over with the business end of the grocery cart.

Good times.

While Hubby and I ran in, the guys had a grand old time. When we came back they were laughing hysterically and all I could get out of them was "don't forget the sprinkles" and then more laughter. I was just glad no one had killed each other so I was game and left it.

Fast forward a few days later and smack talk was going on and I added "don't forget the sprinkles" having no clue what I was saying. They were hanging onto each other laughing so hard trying to stay upright.

Boys are so weird.

Our weekend went galloping by rather quickly. We took the guys to see the new Narnia movie. It was really good but just a bit intense. Jared insisted he was fine, while it was still daylight, but sort of freaked when it was time to go to bed. But he did say it was a good movie.

We had picked up a new version of Risk. I guess the original version wasn't good enough. I like the board a lot better but some of the new stuff to go with it, I'm not a fan. The cards were not nice to Jared and after several poundings he was the first one out. We started Friday after dinner. It wasn't finished until late Saturday night. Late.

In the midst of this, my Mom's ancient dog had escaped a couple times. The dog is 13, almost 14 - we can't believe she's lasted this long. We don't know if she was going to try running away, which is hysterically as she isn't able to walk just sort of hobbles, or if she was going to toss herself into traffic to end it all.

Not looking forward to that mess.

And speaking of messes I would rather not think about, my folks are coming up this week. I tried to delicately say get bent, get lost, get something that doesn't involve any quality time linked together but that was totally lost on them.

I shouldn't be shocked.

They countered and said they would bring food so I didn't have to cook. Darn them! It's like they know what buttons to push. Plus they said they have cash for the boys.

And down we crumbled like the darn wimps that we are.

While we were kicking ourselves for being so weak and able to be bought, I tossed in "don't forget the sprinkles" just for giggles and grins and thankfully it worked.

I still have no idea what it means. But it got a lot of guffaws so that's all that matters.

All in all, we've been having a good holiday season. About time. After 6 years of yuck it's been nice to finally have some good. Just hoping I can keep my Mom at bay and I'm not stuck with any new emotional wounds. Goodness knows there are enough already there.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

All's Fair In Love And War

When we last left our heroine, she had managed to get out of baking cookies as well as a booty call. Sadly, that only lasted for one day as her cookies, and her booty, was too much to resist.

I'll pause as you toss your cookies with that visual.

After massive amounts of baking, the kitchen was totally and completely trashed. Every cookie sheet that was owned, and ever thought of owning, was used and was piled in a scary heap ready to take down the first person who breathed on it.

This wasn't looking good for our heroine.

Hubs didn't do that hot of a job on cleaning up after himself as there was dough found BEHIND the toaster. But cookie goodness had momentarily blinded our heroine to the fact that dude trashed the kitchen, got his booty call, got her to make massive amounts of cookies and it was down to a fierce battle of rock, paper, scissors to see who was going to have to pony up and clean the kitchen.

It was getting tense. Eyebrow arches of threats were in full play. While our heroine couldn't prove it, she was positive Hubs was cheating. Not to be out done she was about to implement her deadly weapon - the bewb flash. Only to be used in a crisis and hopefully when the room is empty of other people. And all the blinds are closed. And no chance of a child walking in on this because usually the fall out of the flash leads to the attempt grab. Thankfully, because it usually stuns him, he's a bit slow and a defensive pose is already set in play.

Where was I?

Our heroine was feeling a bit smug knowing that all the elements were in place for the flash but she over looked a fatal flaw. She forgot she was wearing like 10 layers of clothing because it's so stinking cold out. The extra layers totally cramped her style and the bewb sort of got caught on layers 1-3.

Hubs was then aware of what he was almost a victim to and was able to finish off as a scissor securing his win because our heroine's bewb was sort of stuck half in her bra, half out so her attempt to save the bewb came across as paper thus losing the epic battle.

And that's how I got stuck washing up all the cookie sheets and mixing bowls. But I got out of cooking dinner.

However, because I'm a sore loser, and slightly off hinged, I told Hubs he could clean the dough from his cookie mess off the ceiling or he would just never know when a pan of exlax brownies, or cookies, or whatever I can hide it in will make it's appearance. I said this right after he took a big bite out of a chocolate cookie and stood there with the maniacal eyebrow saying what needed to be said - I may have lost the battle, but I will not lose the war.

Monday, December 13, 2010

It's What I Call A Reality Check

I love my Hubby, however, the guy is a bit crazy about Christmas cookies. I don't want to say he has an addiction or anything, especially with my own white chocolate shake thing going on, but mine comes from someone else making it verses I'm the one that has to keep his addiction going.

He has dropped a few hints about the cookies and wondering when they will make an appearance. The boys looked at him with part awe and part horror that he would attempt to make it happen when they had recently got their heads handed to them when they tried it.

Time for a check up, from the neck up.

I made dude help me make cookies. More like I was folding 23 baskets of laundry when I whipped a bag of cookies at his head and told him order up.

He was not amused.

After that was done, I hefted a couple baskets worth over to the ironing board and plugged in the iron when I heard a pitiful comment of I guess you're a bit busy, huh?

Geez, ya think????

In a sad attempt to put it off, I set out butter on the counter top and told him it has to be at room temperature and went back to my slave labor ironing.

He decided to do the envelope cookie dough that just needs butter, egg, and vanilla. If that wasn't enough, he used the cookie press. I guess a spoon was just too much for this newbie. He even picked up frosting in a tube. I tried not to sprain my eyeballs from rolling them so much but there was only so much control I have over those things.

He read all the instructions and went to work. I had to book out of the room when he flung cookie dough all over the place because he didn't believe me when I said the butter needs to be room temperature. What would I know? I had to leave the room because I didn't quite trust myself to say anything. I can not tell you how many times over the years that he has said he just doesn't understand why I can't keep it all in the bowel.

Do tell.

He later apologize and said it's a lot harder than it looks. While I was able to keep that inner Cruella quiet, I was concern that it wouldn't be for long.

He then pulled out cookie sheets. Not any cookie sheets but one of those no burn sheets that are a piece of crap that someone gave me for a white elephant present at a Christmas party. And my Mom doesn't understand why I won't come to that family gathering any more. Anyhoo, the person informed me that everything she baked on it burned. She was not kidding because I too burned everything I baked on it. To be honest, I thought I got rid of those things years ago. Shows you what I know.

So picture my horror when those where the cookie sheets Hubs pulled out. I asked him why did he grabbed those and he said he didn't want to dirty up the other ones for all the cookies I was going to bake.

Let the record show that it is past midnight and I didn't bake a single cookie. All hail the queen!

I informed him that he shouldn't use those as they burn everything. He didn't believe me and proceeded to clean them off. Inner Cruella showed up and said gosh what would I know, I've only been doing this every.single.year for the last 16 years. I managed to grab my own face and dragged it out of the room.

He poked his head around the corner and asked what would I do if I run out of clean cookie sheets for the cookies I'm going to bake. Bless his heart, he walked right into that one.

Cruella I said, you clean them!

Knowing he was out-ranked, he just gave me a sheepish grin and pulled out the right cookie sheets. Then the cookie press was giving him fits. He ever so tenderly asked me what I thought was wrong with it after he replaced the batteries, read the instruction manual, and did some guy thing to it that almost broke it.

Not missing a beat in my ironing, I looked at it and said he filled the tube too full dough and shouldn't put in more than half. He said that was stupid and I said I totally agreed. He got all of it baked. And Hubs himself frosted it and decorated it.

My hero.

I would post a picture but he had the guys grab my camera so no evidence of this will ever be aired. Dagnabbit. But I'm feeling slightly smug that those sticks of butter are still sitting there waiting on me. I just did an epic amount of laundry, did all the ironing because a lot of the new clothes the boys picked out all.need.ironing - proof that I'm slightly brain dead AND cooked dinner, what more do they want from me?

If that doesn't beat all, Hubs just gave me the bow-chica-bow-wow look.
I suddenly have a desire to bake cookies. Lots and lots of cookies that will take hours to make.

Because I am so evil like that.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Busy, Busy, Busy

Not sure if I should apologize for being MIA or just shrug and say tis the season. This last week was busy and it's looking like next week is going to be touch and go as well.

Had a few weird phone calls from my folks. I'll spare you all the details, but long story short it wasn't fun. While I'm sure you're thinking this is going to be another bitter rant - it's not. More like a reminder to myself.


Hey self, just FYI you have purposed in your heart not to be stressed out this holiday season. So far, so good. This has been a cloud of doom free December and we can't remember the last time that happened. 6 - 7 years? Needless to say, you have been in a much better mood. Now is not the time to let your guard down. While your Mom is all kinds of crazy with several levels of stupid thrown in, you can't change her.

I know you are frustrated with the last couple conversations you've with your folks but it's okay because it opened your eyes to some junk. And that junk needed to be addressed so this is one of those moments where something hard is being turned around for good.

Send the email to your folks, stand your ground, and enjoy your kids. If you have to go gangsta on them then your inner Cruella is more than willing to deal with it as she hasn't had her bag cookies in months. Really she's been waiting for you to step out of the way. Not sure if that is totally wise, but she can be used for back-up.

So hang in there self! You have endured a lot that would drop most people. And while things are still stuck in unknown land, there has been a lot of growth and there are better things that are coming. It's just that darn patience thing which you still think is a swear word. Kudos for turning some stuff over to God to deal with rather than to continue to wring your hands, clucking like a chicken. See? You can be taught and you are learning.

Hang on to peace. And you've had enough white chocolate shakes. Besides you have to get all your baking done in the next few days. And the turtles, aka PMS pill are more than worth it. On second thought, those would put your inner Cruella on hold. Make note to plan that out better. Get her to go gangsta and then reward her with a few or a hundred of these.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Still Nothing To Report...

but the blog was whining about neglect. I am happy to report that aunt flo left all on her own and on time. This is good news. Happy to see some things are starting to work.

I have found that not having a vehicle has forced me to get things done - like laundry. I may just even tackle the bedding I'm so flipping bored productive. So far, I have managed to put off making cookies. Once they are made, it will be a sad sight to see these guys go to town on them. All that work - gone in a matter of seconds.

The guys' MP3 have sort of died on them. Part of their Christmas was that we got new ones. Brilliant person that I am has convinced the Grinch Hubs to let us open them early so I can load all the music they want so they won't pester me non-stop to do it Christmas day. The spawn applauded my brilliance until they heard the clause that they don't get to use them until Christmas. And the angst was back.

They have gone to town making their lists and checking it twice. And then dropped 5 brazillion hints. So far I got all the new stuff we got, plus whatever music was on 2 of the computers. I caught a glance at one of the lists - I may be at this for weeks. Which means loading the CD, then loading it onto the MP3 and then deleting it off the computer. Heaven help anyone who said, oh yeah I wanted that one song that I just deleted. Luckily for me the eyebrow arch of disdained let it be known what would happen if this were to occur. Their eyebrows acknowledged that they understood that their very lives were at stake and we proceed with the process.

Eyebrow conversations saves me so much time. It's a good thing we trained them in the art of eyebrow.

However the eyebrow wasn't too successful at getting them to watch more Christmas movies. I had to use force to watch Home Alone 1. There was some angst and a few even snuck out of the room only to come flying back in when Marv slid down the steps. When the kids were younger they would have me rewind it (yes we still have VHS) several times. Tonight was no different. Just glad that tape still works. Last year we had to buy The Grinch on DVD cuz we wore our other one out. And now that I just typed that I feel like I need to hide my face.

We were going to watch Home Alone 2 on TV but they cut out all the good parts. So I'm going to blow the dust off our VHS one and make them watch it tomorrow. I'm evil like that. They used to cackle with glee right along with me and now they just roll their eyes at me and try to slink out of the room without me noticing.

As if.

I just casually said I didn't think I would be up to loading more music tomorrow and they dragged themselves back in and sat down with a deep sigh. I so win.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Nothing To Report

I'm still jacked up on Midol and M&Ms so I have nothing blog worthy. This means it must be time to post some email jokes. Tried to get a little bit of everything. Hope this makes you laugh and lifts some stress off your shoulders.


Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, 'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'.
Edna always replied, 'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'.
One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, 'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'.
To this, Edna replied, "Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'.

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Buddy replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'


A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, 'Jerry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with God?'

Jerry replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it for when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof*, the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof*, the light goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Jerry's wife. 'Ginger,' he says, 'Jerry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof *, the light goes on in the bathroom and when he's done, *poof* the light goes off?'

'OH MY GOSH!' Ginger exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again!!!'


An English professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Gotta love punctuation.


A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."


HOW FIGHTS START....

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started.....

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...


SOUTHERNERS CAN BE SO POLITE!
Atlanta Tower: "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta . Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta Tower: "Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."
Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta . We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L. - Allah is Great."

Pause....

Saudi Air: ATLANTA TOWER- ATLANTA TOWER !"
Atlanta Tower: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511.."
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE . . . . .
INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"

Atlanta Tower: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all go on ahead now and tell Allah "hey" for us."


JOSE AND CARLOS:
Jose and Carlos are both beggars. They beg in different areas of town. Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day.
Every day, Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills. He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has lots of cash to spend.
"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?"
Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Carlos' sign reads; I have no work, a wife and six kids to support
"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.
"No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!"
Carlos says, "Alright, so what does your sign say?"
Jose's sign reads: I only need ten dollars to get back to Mexico


GOODBYE MOM

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.
If he stopped, she stopped.
Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."


Got to love it!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Just Hand Over The Chocolate And No One Will Get Hurt

Oh Interpeeps. I was truly bamboozled - waylaid if you will. Aunt flo showed up with a vengeance. There was no howdy. There was no warning. There was just repeated wailing and gnashing of teeth from the onslaught. And I guess I went out of my flipping mind with man killer cramps all while trying to work on the grocery list. Made for a festive mood. The guys were all laughing hysterically at the things I was saying.

I have no idea as I blacked out from the pain.

I sort of came to crying for my mommy. I know, right? Hubs asked if I wanted her around for someone to hit. I said the pain she brings would distract me from the pain I was feeling. And then I blacked out again.

I guess I was on the phone with my cousin who was in stitches over something I said. I wish I knew what it was as she was laughing pretty hard. She said she would pay money to come with me to the store just to see what I would do. I said it's been known to be interesting.

I asked Michael to bring me some water and a Midol. I said I would totally understand if he just threw them at me so as not to get too close to the beast. He said he wasn't scared. Bless him as Hubs was too busy laughing at me to be any help.

We would be doomed if the reproduction of the planet was left to men, btw.

We went to load the carts. The guys all gave a prayer for the other shoppers. I walked in with a mood that said why yes, the adhesive from my pad IS sticking to something sensitive - wanna make something of it???

Luckily for us the place was not that busy. I temporarily went out of my mind and just started chucking things in the carts not really caring how much money we were spending. I have never grabbed that many bags of all the variety of M&Ms before in my life. And that's a true story right there.

It just so happened that when we were checking out the pads and the ginormous mountain of chocolate all ended up together. Scooter, the checker, got bonus points for keeping his mouth shut, but sadly lost those points when his facial features totally gave him away. He had just started to say something about holy crap that's a lot of chocolate until he saw the big Bertha pads and quickly put 2 and 2 together. His face kept getting pinker and pinker with each bag that got rung up and nary a word came out of his mouth.

I'll go out on a limb and chalk up his silence to the fact that I was daring him with my wild crazy eyes that were starting to twitch from that wayward pad to go ahead and say something. Tis the season to give and I was more than willing to give someone the same amount of pain I was feeling. Scooter happened to make eye contact with Hubs, who took pity on the almost victim, and warned him with a look. It must have been one heck of a look cuz Scooter didn't say a word and barely squeaked out my total which was high enough to make me want to hurt him all over again.

We were walking out when Hubster asked HOW much?? I said to consider it his ransom to keep him alive to live another day. He cracked up laughing and said he just loves that spice I bring. More like the flavor of crazy but I'll let him call it whatever he wants.

If you'll excuse me, I'm off to knock myself out with pain meds and chocolate.