Friday, December 24, 2010

Ho Ho Humbug

Well, I will spare you the epic tale of my folk's visit last night. I sort of bailed on my guys and hid in the kitchen making cookies while they played a card game with my parents. My parents at least like them so it was safer. I didn't down a pan of cookies, instead I dreamed of cold-cocking my Mom upside the head but I think that would reinforce that whole I'm going to hell she tried to dump on me. I did quip back at least I would keep her company.

And that's when the fight started.

I'm still trying to recover and when I'm like this I turn to humor. Who couldn't use a laugh or 50 right about now? Goodness knows I sure could. So...


A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'


A little Christmas story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.


I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


And finally...

Maxine's Christmas Eve!

'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house...
Not a creature was stirring
Since the cat ate the mouse.
My support hose were hung
By the chimney with care.
(I hung them last Christmas and just left them there.)

My dog, Floyd, was nestled
All snug in his bed,
After watching the cat rip
The presents to shreds.

And I in my long johns
And ratty night cap
Had just settled my butt
For a long winter's nap.
When out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter,
I swore at the window,
"What the (blank) is the matter?"

I tore open the window,
Not a second to tarry,
All ready to throw
The noisemaker a berry.

A bright moon was lighting
The new-fallen snow...
And I had a moon of my own
Set to show.
Floyd was beside me,
Paw pointing the way
Toward eight tiny reindeer
Hitched up to a sleigh...

And a little old driver
So cheery and quick,
I thought for a moment
That I would be sick.

Like a bat out of...you know,
His reindeer they came,
And I whistled and shouted
And called them some names--
"Hey, Hornhead! Hey, Furface!
Hey, Weiner and Turkey!
Yo, Klutzy and Mangy
And Venison Jerky!

Stay off of my porch!
Get away from my wall!
Now hit the road, hit the road,
Hit the road, all!

But as pedestrians before
My old Buick, they fly
And head for high ground
With great fear in their eyes,
So up to my rooftop
The fleabags they flew,
With a sleigh full of toys
And old Fruitcake-Breath too.

And then, in a twinkling,
I heard on the roof
Holes in my new shingles
Made by each tiny hoof.

As I reached for my slingshot
And a marble as well,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas
Tumbled and fell.
He had a huge sack of
Cheap junk on his back
And I whispered to Floyd,
"Be prepared to attack."

His eyes they were squinting,
His toy bag was draggin',
And I felt for a moment
Like I'd soon be gaggin'.

He was dressed all in red.
With a bell on his hat.
And a belt of black leather
To hold back the fat.
A billowing pipe
He clenched tight in his smile,
And the smell was like something
Had been dead for awhile.

He had a broad face
And a little round belly
That shook when I nailed him
With a handful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump,
Well, actually porky,
And I laughed when I tripped him
(He looked pretty dorky).
He was like a beached whale
Unable to budge.
And he tasted good, too,
If the dog was a judge.

I spoke not a word
But went straight to my work--
A noogie, a wedgie,
A cry of "You jerk!"

Until laying a finger
Aside of his nose,
With a loud cry of "Uncle!"
Up the chimney he rose.
He sprang to the sleigh
And dragged in the toys,
Then he cried to the reindeer,
"Get me out of here, Boys!"

And I had to exclaim
As a slushball I tossed,
"Happy Christmas to all,
And to all a Get Lost!"

But then, as I turned,
I saw 'neath the tree
Two gaily wrapped presents--
One for Floyd, one for me.
A big bag of jerky
Turned Floyd mighty chipper,
While for me was a pair
Of brand-new bunny slippers.

I looked out the window,
And hovering there,
Old Santa was winking
From his sleigh in midair...
"Merry Christmas, Maxine!"
He cried, full of cheer,
"Same to you, Pal!" I answered,
("I'll get you next year!")


Hope ya'll have a great Christmas and that you can remember to laugh. Might be the only thing that keeps you from smacking the crap out of your relatives!

5 comments:

rthling said...

Imma hafta remember the one about "if I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong" for the next fight I have with Mom.

Joanna said...

Me likey. :)

Lauren said...

Haha. The one with the little girl firefighter was cute. Poor cat! Lol.

Tater Mama said...

I clicked over from Fiddledeedee's blog, and I am so glad I did. Sweet mercy, I have just laughed so hard that tears are running down my face.

I can't wait to come back!

Joanna said...

Aww thanks Tater Mama!