Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Just Hand Over The Chocolate And No One Will Get Hurt

Oh Interpeeps. I was truly bamboozled - waylaid if you will. Aunt flo showed up with a vengeance. There was no howdy. There was no warning. There was just repeated wailing and gnashing of teeth from the onslaught. And I guess I went out of my flipping mind with man killer cramps all while trying to work on the grocery list. Made for a festive mood. The guys were all laughing hysterically at the things I was saying.

I have no idea as I blacked out from the pain.

I sort of came to crying for my mommy. I know, right? Hubs asked if I wanted her around for someone to hit. I said the pain she brings would distract me from the pain I was feeling. And then I blacked out again.

I guess I was on the phone with my cousin who was in stitches over something I said. I wish I knew what it was as she was laughing pretty hard. She said she would pay money to come with me to the store just to see what I would do. I said it's been known to be interesting.

I asked Michael to bring me some water and a Midol. I said I would totally understand if he just threw them at me so as not to get too close to the beast. He said he wasn't scared. Bless him as Hubs was too busy laughing at me to be any help.

We would be doomed if the reproduction of the planet was left to men, btw.

We went to load the carts. The guys all gave a prayer for the other shoppers. I walked in with a mood that said why yes, the adhesive from my pad IS sticking to something sensitive - wanna make something of it???

Luckily for us the place was not that busy. I temporarily went out of my mind and just started chucking things in the carts not really caring how much money we were spending. I have never grabbed that many bags of all the variety of M&Ms before in my life. And that's a true story right there.

It just so happened that when we were checking out the pads and the ginormous mountain of chocolate all ended up together. Scooter, the checker, got bonus points for keeping his mouth shut, but sadly lost those points when his facial features totally gave him away. He had just started to say something about holy crap that's a lot of chocolate until he saw the big Bertha pads and quickly put 2 and 2 together. His face kept getting pinker and pinker with each bag that got rung up and nary a word came out of his mouth.

I'll go out on a limb and chalk up his silence to the fact that I was daring him with my wild crazy eyes that were starting to twitch from that wayward pad to go ahead and say something. Tis the season to give and I was more than willing to give someone the same amount of pain I was feeling. Scooter happened to make eye contact with Hubs, who took pity on the almost victim, and warned him with a look. It must have been one heck of a look cuz Scooter didn't say a word and barely squeaked out my total which was high enough to make me want to hurt him all over again.

We were walking out when Hubster asked HOW much?? I said to consider it his ransom to keep him alive to live another day. He cracked up laughing and said he just loves that spice I bring. More like the flavor of crazy but I'll let him call it whatever he wants.

If you'll excuse me, I'm off to knock myself out with pain meds and chocolate.


Julie said...

I wouldn't even have ventured to the store, if things were that bad in SouthTown....

Kerri said...

{Snort} Ah yes, another loading of the cart story. Oh my GOSH!! I had the same adhesive-sticking issue the other day. I was like what the he!! is that PAIN with ever step I take! I found out when I went home and went potty. Lets just say I didn't need a bikini wax anymore. OUCH!

And yes, if men were responsible for reproducing the human race, it would die out. See you tonight, Lord willin' and the creek don't rise!

Debbie said...

I love referring to your personality as "spice". I may have to adopt that!

rthling said...

Oh, what fun to rip that pad from wherever it got stuck!