Monday, December 6, 2010

Nothing To Report

I'm still jacked up on Midol and M&Ms so I have nothing blog worthy. This means it must be time to post some email jokes. Tried to get a little bit of everything. Hope this makes you laugh and lifts some stress off your shoulders.


Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, 'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'.
Edna always replied, 'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'.
One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, 'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'.
To this, Edna replied, "Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'.

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Buddy replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'


A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, 'Jerry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with God?'

Jerry replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it for when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof*, the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof*, the light goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Jerry's wife. 'Ginger,' he says, 'Jerry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof *, the light goes on in the bathroom and when he's done, *poof* the light goes off?'

'OH MY GOSH!' Ginger exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again!!!'


An English professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Gotta love punctuation.


A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."


HOW FIGHTS START....

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started.....

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...


SOUTHERNERS CAN BE SO POLITE!
Atlanta Tower: "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta . Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta Tower: "Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."
Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta . We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L. - Allah is Great."

Pause....

Saudi Air: ATLANTA TOWER- ATLANTA TOWER !"
Atlanta Tower: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511.."
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE . . . . .
INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"

Atlanta Tower: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all go on ahead now and tell Allah "hey" for us."


JOSE AND CARLOS:
Jose and Carlos are both beggars. They beg in different areas of town. Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day.
Every day, Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills. He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has lots of cash to spend.
"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?"
Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Carlos' sign reads; I have no work, a wife and six kids to support
"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.
"No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!"
Carlos says, "Alright, so what does your sign say?"
Jose's sign reads: I only need ten dollars to get back to Mexico


GOODBYE MOM

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.
If he stopped, she stopped.
Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."


Got to love it!

1 comments:

jubilee said...

Got a good chuckle out of Carlos and Jose! Thanks! Hope you are feeling better soon, friend!