Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Ya Just Gotta Laugh

I was going through all my emails and trying to clean them out and came across some funny jokes. Thanks to everyone who sends them my way - goodness knows a laugh a day keeps you from killing people.

And that's a true story right there.

Sit back, don't drink anything, and have a good laugh...

(Thanks Margie!)
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So, they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about nine months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

I didn't see that one coming!


(Thanks Dianne!)
We were in slow-moving traffic the other day and the car in front of us had an Obama bumper sticker on it. It read: "Pray for Obama. Psalm 109:8".

My wife's Bible was lying on the dash board. She got it, opened it up to the scripture and read it. She started laughing and laughing. Then she read it to me. I couldn't believe what it said. I had a good laugh, too.

Psalm 109:8
"Let his days be few; and let another take his office. "

At last - I can voice a Biblical prayer for our president!


The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?


Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some old guy is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are y’all sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a$$-hole$."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Business must be good... only two left."


A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his te$ticle$ and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."


SUBJECT: CARRYING

Seems a guy cruises thru a stop sign, or whatever, and gets pulled over by a local policeman. Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CPL permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."

"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of...?"

"Not a damn thing..."


Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5.. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
and....
13. Potential Murder Suspect


A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my Gosh! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'

'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'


Sheer Nightgowns Can Be Deadly...

A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price. The more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife (she's no dummy ) has an idea: 'It's so sheer it might as well be nothing... I won't even put it on. I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Monday at Noon. The coffin will be closed.


*Amish People Amazed By Elevator*

A 15 year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a 60-year old fat lady in a wheel chair moved up to the elevator and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady got in. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the elevator light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 20-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the blonde, said quietly to his son. 'Go get your Mother.'


Ah! Now don't you feel better?

7 comments:

grandmamargie said...

I hadn't seen a couple of those. Thanks for the smial. Have a great day!

grandmamargie said...

"smile" duh :)I really do know how to spell.

Joanna said...

Margie my fingers are faster than my brain. Which is scary. :)

Kerri said...

"could've at least ironed it!" Oh no he didn't!!!

Those are some good ones!!

Melissa said...

LOL! Thanks for the jokes. And it's true...every single day I'm one laugh away from killing someone!

Potential Murder Suspect, AKA Melissa

JLD said...

Thanks for the laughs! Your attitude about laughing at life's stinky bits is the same as mine. Because the alternatives aren't pretty.

Judy

RamblingMother said...

love 'em