Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Bouncing Back

It's been a couple days and I can say thanks to the miracle of Tylenol PM, chocolate, and comforting words - I am on the mend. I'm not bawling constantly and the guilt is lifting. I still catch myself looking out the window for her.

I did send my folks an email. Kept it short and sweet and didn't poke the bear, so to speak. I got a very weird reply from my dad. He said he "finds no fault with you, my daughter." I had to read that a few times and still walked away with the WTF was that all about?? I think my dad responded first to keep my mom from sparking a fuse. I did say not to be rude but I was in no mood to talk to them, that I've been pretty emotional about the whole thing and that was where I was at. Thankfully no further talks of what are you doing for the 4th came up and miracle of all miracles the phone hasn't been ringing. I wasn't going to answer it anyway. After all denial is more than a river in Egypt and I plan on doing back strokes in it for a few weeks.

And there was rejoicing in the land.

Just another hurdle in the sprint of life.

Whee.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Who Knew I Actually Had A Heart??

Believe me, I try to keep it hidden. I think I was the only one in my family born with one. Past the sarcasm, around the snark, is a beating ball of goo. And yet I always manage to find someone or some situation that smashes that goo to bits.

I can.not.believe how torn up I am over the dog. I've tried to write this post like 3 times and burst into tears which has caused my head to just pound. I was sick all day long, and I'm pretty sure I've gone through a whole box of Kleenex. And I sit here and still can't believe she's gone.

Saturday night after she was already fed, the dog started this bark/cry. We went out to check on her and she couldn't get out of her dog house. I had to lift the roof while Hubs dragged her out. I had thought she had to go to the bathroom but couldn't get up. That's when I noticed she hadn't even eaten her food and Hubs said she hasn't eaten since Wednesday night.

Sunday rolls around and she is doing the bark/cry and I thought she had to go to the bathroom and couldn't get up. We go out there and she couldn't even lift her head and the flies were awful. It was hell to see her suffer and when we weren't out there to hear her cry was even worse. Around 2 am I went out there and she stopped crying. I talked with her a bit, told her she was a good girl and so, so, so sorry she was stuck with us and that we didn't give her the attention she deserved and that my mom was an idiot. I prayed over her, asked that she wouldn't be afraid and that her suffering would end.

I went back inside, tried to stop the tears, and got ready for bed. I didn't hear another peep out of her. I had a wicked headache and neither Hubs or I slept very well so he got up shortly before 6 to check on her. He came back in and said she was gone. He had her buried before he left for work and when he got home he took down the fence, got rid of all signs of her and cleaned the area up. I went out later to look and burst into tears as it looks as if she was never there.

Our kids think we've lost it completely as both of us have been in tears all evening. I feel so guilty that we didn't make her a part of our family more. She wasn't housebroken, my mom had her and another dog as outside dogs. Before we moved the other dog (who was a litter mate so they acted like twins) had either died or was shot which is a long story that I will spare you. One day she was there, that evening she wasn't and never found her again. Megan was the dog left and mourned her sister deeply while we were so overwhelmed we were relieved to have one less dog to deal with.

So when we had to move, we couldn't leave Megan behind. But she was a big dog and didn't like being in the house. Made for an impossible situation and while I know we did the best we could, I can't stop the tears and I can't stop feeling guilty.

Sunday night hearing her cry, I wanted her to be gone and now she is and I can't believe it. And I can't believe how messed up I feel about the whole thing.

I went to do laundry and I looked out the window seeing if she was laying in one of her holes looking in at me. I lost it again. Hubs took the trash out and went to head out to grab the dog's bowl and it hit him and we both lost it again.

God has been on my case for months to not close myself off to people and situations and to be open for future relationships. It was the pain of today that I reminded Him why I want to close the door and not feel. Living with the pain is not something I have learned to deal with very well. I care too deeply, I feel too much and yet when pain comes rolling in, I find myself gasping for breath unable to cope. I can't stop the shoulda, coulda, woulda and roll things through my head trying to figure out what went wrong and how can I avoid getting torn to shreds again.

Before Hubs went off to bed I asked him if we'll get better. He said it's going to take us awhile, to change habits. I'll leave off our major rant about my mother who refused to take care of her dog. I am so upset over the whole thing, I can't trust myself to even email her to tell her that her dog died, crying all day and night and asking her where was she when her dog needed her.

But...

I know she'll turn it back on me and absolve herself of any wrong doing. And right now I can't take that kind of crap. Especially when I can't stop crying over a dog that wasn't really mine. I think a lot of it is just releasing the stress from Sunday not being able to do anything. No vets were open, we couldn't find any place that could help so watching and listening to her suffer was rough.

Hoping the next few days will be better.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Hot, Hot, Hot

No, not like that - you can uncover your eyes. And really the weather here the last few days as been blessedly cooler. Probably has something to do with all the rain we've been getting.

What could be so darn hot you may wonder. Glad you asked as I'm about to tell you.

Since I am still taking heat from the guys from whatever post I did like a brazillion minutes ago, I will toss myself on the rack.

I can't keep track of time but I think it was last week I gave the guys' haircuts. I am not a pro, I can't even claim I play one on my blog, but I can fake the buzz cuts. The guys like their hair short. Easy-peasy, rice and cheesy.

The last time my locks saw the business end of scissors was when I was super desperate and had my mom cut it. Desperate times calls for desperate measures and I was beyond broke so whatcha gonna do? Besides my reasoning is I wear a wig when I am around peoples so it's not like it matters.

It may be that same reasoning that led me to what I did next.

Why, yes. Yes, I DID cut my own hair. However could you tell?

In my defense, I am rather stupid. Not entirely but sometimes I do wonder. I have only cut the guys' hair. So my eyeballing the length on the top of my head was not measured right by yours truly because I didn't put 2 and 2 together to equal 4. I think I came up with 2.8 or something. Because I had to even it all out....so....it sort of looked like Edward Scissors Hands dry-humped my head.

While I'm sure a few of you just launched your drink across the room, you know you now have a visual. And you're wishing you didn't. Believe me, I totally understand.

I got it all done and hopped in the shower and then mentally flogged myself for hacking my hair. I will say, once it was all nice, clean, and dried, it didn't look that bad at all. And besides you'll never know anyway. Certainly made things much cooler.

I've watched all the guys eyeball me and I will give them kudos for not screaming, "Oh dear Lord, what did she do?" But I have a feeling they've all been thinking it.

Again, it doesn't really mater but I cracked myself up with the whole Edward Scissor Hands comment. What can I say? I am a bit bored.

The next hot thing on the list was that I actually made Pioneer Woman's Spicy Dr. Pepper Shredded Pork Butt. Whoa momma!! It was good! Flavors I had never experienced before and I was barely able to hang on to the flavor ride because it's really spicy.

I did it in a slow cooker because I don't have a dutch oven and it worked out just fine. Instead of wrapping it up in tortillas, I had hoagie buns and I tossed it in the oven for like 5 minutes to toast it up. Add provolone cheese because cheese makes everything better. Amen.

All I can say is thank God I went with the 7 oz chipotle peppers in adobo sauce instead of the 11 oz she called for. It was all that my tongue could do to handle it. It was awesome! It was spicy, sweet, and as I said, flavors I had never tasted. Then like yesterday she went and did a cilantro-jalapeno slaw that she put on top of the Dr. P shredded pork and made a sandwich out of it.

I can tell you I am skert to try this. IF I were to attempt the slaw, I will have to leave out the jalapeno because I am pretty sure my intestines would explode. I'll leave off the description that this stuff was like Drano for me. I heard rumors I sort of blacked out from the fumes and was making statements like, "I don't remember eating THAT!"

I don't think I would survive down in the south. To read how Ree describes it, it's just a leetle bit of heat. I should now read that as hang on to your skirts cuz this may blow it up past your ears hot.

She has a recipe for iced coffee that sounds so good that I am tempted to try it. This, of course, opened me up to mock and scorn from the guys because they stopped counting how many coffee experiments I have tried to get myself to like it. I always heard it was an acquired taste. I now think that is a lie because according to my records I should be an addict by now and I can only barely handle a McFrappe.

Sigh. I am a tea bag living in a coffee world.

As if it wasn't bad enough that I may have chapped the back end of Endor or some other moon reference, we went and made chili potatoes. I am a huge fan of this meal and mainly because Hubs makes it. The best meal I ever ate was the one I didn't have to cook.

There is a dry chili mix (I think by Bear Creek?) called Darn Good Chili. I'm pretty sure he doesn't use the amount of water required and leaves out the tomato sauce and makes sure it's super thick. Then we spoon it over baked potatoes, add shredded cheese and top with sour cream. Yum-O!

The only trouble with this (for me and me alone) is that this meal doesn't always love me back. Combined with the other meal, I have spent some serious quality time in the bathroom. I swear I should be down a whole size. All I can say, is no one can accuse me of being full of anything right now.

So not feeling hot right now. But this so reminds me of the chili tasting joke and the other chili joke. You would think I would know better.
Link

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Yeah

So I've sort of forgot to blog. Nothing noteworthy to blog about. Gave guys hair cuts, battling laundry blah, blah, blah. Still stuck on pause in the movie of life and wondering when the show is going to get on the road.

I did get in trouble with the guys when I laughed that a few of you emailed me and said if you EVER see me at Wal-mart, you will run in the other direction. While I thought this was hilarious, the stinky stinkertons did not and demanded to know why anyone would run away from out crew. I let them read the blog post and let's just say they were not amused.

In our defense, it really does depend on where we eat to cause such problems and it doesn't happen most of the time. However, there were a few times that IF my eyes could have focused through the fumes, I'm pretty sure I would have seen a green cloud. And I find the whole make the list, get the food, load up the carts, actually use the 4 coupons I spent all that time on, and not kill anyone in the process to be a bit mind-numbingly boring.

(Aka I tend to exaggerate a wee little bit)

Not much mind you. While it makes for amusing blog posts, the guys did not find my humor to be funny. Now go ahead and ask me if I care. Go ahead.

Heck no!!

As I pointed out to the spawn that I wanted to go to Subway that does not cause smell issues, and since I am always outnumbered, outvoted, and no one gets the fact that my senses are delicate and can't stand the level of noise and stench that they can, I decided that is my only recourse. So if the only way I can let off steam is to post how they let off their, um, steam from aisles 4-13 than you bet your sweet biscuits it's gonna happen.

I can not count how many times I am staring at these guys, Hubby including, thinking dear Lord they don't get it! And I have used small words and drew pictures to get my point across. Then I get asked if it's that time only to have my head spin and some form of Yiddish to come pouring out of my mouth, to which they all say yup, it is.

All I can say is God help them if they accuse me of being the hormonal one this week. It will get ugly.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Arg!

This weekend will be a challenge for most people. While I sent out a card to my dad, I refused to address it the whack-a-do way they wanted addressed. And while I'm feeling a tad bit of angst, I have to say it's nothing to what Hubs is having to go through. Hubster wins hands down on dad being an idiot.

He's not overjoyed in case you were wondering. Matter of fact, he has reverted to demanding DNA evidence that this man truly fathered him because right now it is hard to believe.

Last couple days have been a flurry of emails of everyone just going through stuff. And most of it seems to be parental issues. I just don't get people. There are times I try to understand where someone is coming from but I keep failing to see the how they can justify behaving like a 2 year old. My FIL (father-in-law) is prime example.

I've posted on facebook M on guitar and N on piano. Every time Michael even touches the guitar we get to hear FIL go on and on and on about how his dad liked the guitar and how he tried to learn but broke his arm and never could. Oh and he insists on pronouncing it gee-tar which about causes Michael to go into a mini fit.

I hear the man is a real hoot to take to Guitar Center. Ain't tricking me! I refuse to go.

So the shock of all shocks was a year ago when in-laws were up for J's b-day and Nicholas was playing the piano was when FIL about mowed everyone down to go listen. Um, okay. Well now the obsession, or competition, is on. I kid you not.

Both M and N, I think, have God given talent. They've picked stuff up by ear and to date have devoted almost their ever waking moments to music. FIL is now convinced that since they can play by ear than surely they must have gotten it from him and he just hasn't unlocked his true talent thus missing his full potential. I wish I was kidding.

By all means, please feel pity for Hubs.

We've tried to reason with FIL but I think we would have better luck smacking him upside the head repeatedly. So far everyone is in agreement with me. Well, except FIL.

When they were up for J's b-day in May, FIL told me that God Himself told him he needs to learn to play the piano. I find this hard to believe on multiple levels. The obvious reason is the man never cracks open his bible nor has the time to sit and learn. As with most FIL, when he starts talking I tend to zone out. It goes both ways, MIL will ask me a question, I will answer and as soon as I finish FIL will ask the exact.same.question.

How I've managed not to beat either myself or him into unconsciousness is a wonder.

I felt bad for Nicholas. Anytime he tried to play, his pap was bugging him non-stop. We're not able to get old crusty the piano tuned and the boy is trying to angle for a digital piano. Now the man is trying to get the very digital piano that N wants - not to give it to N, heavens no, but so he can rub it in N's face that he has it.

How's that level of pity you feel for Hubs? If you knew the full story, you would want to wrap him in a blanket and feed him soup. How the guy has managed to turn out the way he has is the real miracle.

But the real kicker is my MIL needed a new car. FIL only agreed to letting her get a car IF he could get a piano. All my MIL said was where on earth would we put a piano and left it as that. He took it as agreement. MIL got her new car and when FIL asked where were they going to put his piano she said he could clean out their computer room.

I failed to mention FIL is a hoarder in training. The computer room only has a path through it. And that's not to mention the basement is packed and their huge garage is so full they can't even get part of a vehicle in it.

All I can say is let the games begin because it has been ugly. And the level if immaturity has been shocking. I really feel bad for my MIL and I do not envy Hubs when he has to call this weekend. Sunday is also his dad's b-day. There have been a few years Hubs forgot and the temper tantrum his dad threw would have impressed any 3 year old.

Was there something put in the water for that generation? My FIL is not the only insane stupid parent floating out there. I don't have enough fingers and toes to count how many people I know that deal with idiot parents. Totally freaks me out. Are we all going to get jaded and go out of our gourds when we're that age?

Hang in there Peeps. I know a lot of us have difficult relationships and truly wonder how we're related to these pod people. I was just saying that when we stand and give an account, I want front row seats on a few people to see the beat down they are about to receive. And it's not entirely with glee, it's more of the person can't bully their way out of it, or throw a fit because it will be God and there will be no wiggle room. I tell God all the time to work on me now so I have less kersmack moments coming.

But just between us, I think it's going to be a tie between my mom and Hub's dad. Should be epic. Wonder if I could sell tickets?

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

In The Wee Hours, I Come To

(let's face it, this isn't that late for me) What could have rendered me unconscious you might ask? Or not really. You may be asking yourself why on earth do you read this trash.

It was that lovely time of the loading of the carts, aka grocery shopping night. We usually grab something to eat so not to attempt to grocery shop with our stomachs growling because that equals taking out a loan to pay for the groceries. We were discussing where we should go when I found that all the guys wanted to go to McDonald's and I wanted to go to Subway. I fell for the oldest trick in the book - my son asked with the look.

We all know the look. No need for me to go further.

So there I was, at McDonald's, and trying hard to not notice all the warning flags that this was going to be an interesting night. First off the bat, the huddle of girls where talking and so into their conversation that none of them noticed we were standing there. My shy self loudly asked my crew if they knew what they wanted and then pushed oldest up to the counter and said loudly to give his order. This broke up the huddle and glares were handed to me and our order was taken.

While our food was being prepared, we went to grab our drinks, napkins, and some ketchup. It looked like a toddler had been let loose to vent their full rant because the area was trashed. Hardly any napkins left, ketchup was all out and we got the last of the straws. Hubby went back to say something and the girl said, "yeah, we'll get to it" and took the next person's order.

We had our food and went to find a table that had seen a wet rag some time that day. It was slim pickings. While eating our fries, because you have to eat them while they are still hot, the girls all huddled back up and none of them cleaned anything or did anything useful. Jared was about 4 bites into his sandwich when he said, hey there's no bacon on my sandwich. Nicholas had the same sandwich and no bacon on his. I looked at Hubs who said no big deal eat it.

I will refrain from repeating what I said for times sake.

I grabbed the sandwiches, took them back up and said there is no bacon on this supposed to be bacon cheese burger. All those girls stood around and looked at each other and asked each other what do they do. Manager finally came over and took it from me and went to the back and chewed out the crew who were also standing around talking. I watched as the tray I brought back was placed on their food prep area. Manager said new sandwiches will be made. 1 gal handed the tray to another gal who just held on to it for a while and then set it on the counter for the next customer. Never changing the paper.

Next customer and I made eye contact and said eww at the same time.

Luckily the sandwiches were done and put back on my tray and I carried the sandwiches now drenched in prayer to not contain anything nasty.

Scarfed it down, went on our way. Then we proceeded to gas the ever living crap out of Wal-Mart. I'm pretty sure I blacked out in 2 different aisles. I hissed at the offending party to go to the bathroom and set the turd free before I threw up. Turns out there was more than 1 offending party and dirty looks were handed all the way around.

I don't feel bad for gassing stuffmart. Matter of fact, I felt like they had it coming. First off, they had some huge stinking sale that I knew nothing of and everything that was rolled back was pretty much cleaned out. I'm now thinking some Extreme Coupon person hit the area. Some key items where not to be found so we had to hop across the way to Meijer. We get there and the whole store is like mainly missing as they are making it new and improved.

Say what?

Luckily, we were able to find what we needed but I think we about circled the whole building a few times.

But back to stuffmart....

We go to check out and there are only 3 lanes open and all the lines were backed up. The 3 checkers happen to be Slow, Extra Slow, and Slightly Slow. We ended up with Slightly Slow who happened to be the guy that turned 8 shades red when he saw the mountain of chocolate right next to the big Bertha pads and I had a slight attitude that night. Ahem!

We finally managed to get out there only to hop across the way, circled the store several times, but when we went to check out there were tons of lanes open and hardly any shoppers. Someone explain that to me? Big crowd at stuffmart and no lanes open, hardly anyone at the other store and lots of lanes open. What fun.

So that was my wild exciting night. What did you do?

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Struck Out

Luckily for me cooler heads came up with a better date for the homeschool used book sale. Past years it was at the end of the month and it was all I could do to keep from passing out from all the bodies crammed into a room and the heat about did me in. So I was very happy for the cooler weather. Hooray!

And that's where the celebrating ended.

Actually there are only a few things I have left to get. Sadly none of what I want to get was at the book sale. Truth be told, I didn't think it would be but you just never know. I did pick up a couple things that got me the "you are a dork" look. I see that look more and more as the days pass. So nice to have teenagers that are there to guide me and tell me that I suck on so many levels. At least they are nicer about it than my mom so I guess this is progress.

I will say that it takes some serious self-control to bob and weave through those lines. You have tons of people digging through books. Not to mention there are usually kids pushing their way through the lines trying to find their moms. If that doesn't make you want to snap than I don't know what will.

Several people commented my lack of list. Last year I did have a list and I was able to snag the science the older boys are going to use this coming fall. I felt smug about that all year. So it was with a sniff that I did not score any deals. The higher the grade level the harder it is to find stuff. Most people there still have kids and are using all the stuff we would be interested in.

Pity.

I have a feeling this was our last time there. If I had a nickel for every time I hear, "we won't be here next year" I could buy a few years worth of curriculum. It was pretty much a wasted trip but I'm not too worried about it. I already had a game plan on what we'll use, just a matter of ordering it and paying for it. Minor detail.

I'll get around to it eventually.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Taking Slacker To A Whole New Level

I was thinking about writing a post of what I've been cooking lately but that would require me to take pictures, remember to take pictures before I start cooking, and then to actually post those said non existing pictures.

See? Slacker.

Not to mention my camera is only so-so. I look at other people's blogs with these gorgeous food pictures and think my camera should have shutter envy. Or maybe that's digi-envy? Pioneer Woman I'm not. Although I pretend we're like BFFs even though she has no idea I even exist.

Minor detail.

The guys asked for a couple different meals that just scream summer to them but fast and easy for me. I am all about the fast and easy. See husband as exhibit A.

I can't believe I just typed that. I'm rather glad he doesn't read this.

Moving on...

I made these French Onion Sandwiches for dinner the other night and I had it in mind that I was going to take pictures in a sad attempt to look like I know what I'm talking about. But that was the night I got home late from seeing my cousin and Hubs ended up cooking it. And believe me, he would not take pictures. Which is a shame because I wanted proof that he's a total slob and now had the pictures to prove it. I bet he used those Jedi mind tricks of his to figure all this out. Not to mention that's pretty messed up to take a picture and then that very picture is used against you.

That just screams irony for some reason.

So without pictures - cook up a pound of hamburger, drain. Sprinkle with 1 T of flour, stir to coat. Add 1 can French Onion Soup, mix. Cook for a few minutes to thicken it up. Pile high a bun and top with provolone cheese. Throw chips with it and call it good.

Very easy. So easy, I've forced a kid or 2 to make it before and now that I think about it Hubs makes this meal more than me. Usually because I'm running behind doing something else and the man has decided he doesn't want to starve.

Next is a chicken cheese subs. I lurv this meal but I am having issues taking pictures of it. For some reason raw chicken just sort of grosses me out. I have no idea why. I think it is beyond gross and because of that whole slacker issue, I keep forgetting to take the picture.

Now I'm at a dilemma. Do I just wait until the next time I make it and then take the pictures leaving both my readers hanging until then or do I just say this is how you make it and wish y'all the best of luck?

Yup, you guessed it - good luck!

What you need is sub buns and sadly I have no idea how much chicken. I tend to buy my chicken breast in bulk so I load up a plate and thaw it out in the microwave. So you can do what you want, you'll get the hang of it.

(See how those Slacker Skillz can be annoying?)

Take thawed chicken, cut it into chunks and place in large bowl and sprinkle it with a Herb and Garlic season pack and stir till chicken is coated. (You can find it with the dried ranch packs. Or pick whatever flavor floats your boat, it's your sandwich so you have to eat it.)

Chop up medium red onion and slice up mushrooms. (Or leave them out you picky thing)

In a large skillet, heat 1/4 cup veg oil and saute veggies over medium heat for about 10 minutes. Add chicken and mix it up good. Cook until chicken is totally done because eww if you don't.

Slice open sub buns and place on cookie sheet and use slotted spoon to scoop up the goodness and load up the buns. (I will add that Jared hates anything close to being good for you so I usually pick out just chicken for his sub.) Top with Swiss cheese. Place in heated oven (350 degrees) for 5 minutes. Serve with whatever and enjoy.

Or hate it to pieces and send me emails that I attempted to poison you. Your pick.

And last because Jared said I needed to add it because it is the best sub ever. And that is truly saying something coming from him.

Sub buns
Cooked hamburger
deli ham
spaghetti sauce
provolone cheese
pepperoni
sliced onions (unless it's Jared's sub and no onions please)

Crank the oven to 450.

Layer each sub up as listed. You can add other stuff to it as well but be warned it gets hard to close. Wrap each sub in heavy duty foil and bake for 12-15 minutes. Unwrapped and enjoy.

This is so sad sans pictures. I have a feeling this attempt will not get me closer to Pioneer Woman's inner circle. Pity.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

I Am Surviving

While I'm sure you are wondering what could I be surviving and believe me that is one LONG list, I will just focus on the one issue.

If the end of the world includes a power outage, I will be screwed.

I don't even remember what day it was or even what day it is now, but we had a high wind storm and knocked our power clean out. That was like about midnight. It was a long and miserable night because I only dozed and didn't really get any sleep. I was borderline on tears as I sat in bed, tossing, turning, and just sweating.

Apparently, I am not made of stellar stuff. And while this shocks you, I can not deny that I was a total pansy about the whole ordeal of not having air moving.

Our ancient house has no screens and almost all the windows can not be opened. I rely on ceiling fans and 3 sad little window units to keep my brain from medium broil to slightly damp limp noodle. So no fans, no air conditioning, no sleep. When Hubs flopped over on his back and started to snore I got up and tried to sleep on the couch.

Sleep did not happen.

About 6:50-ish 2 of the boys came down stairs because they couldn't handle it either. We sat for about 10 minutes bemoaning the lack of electricity. Right about 7 am, I heard a wonderful noise called the frig kicking in and the ceiling fan was starting to move.

Oh happy day!

I was lifting up arms in thanksgiving. At least I would of if I wasn't so tired.

I think I stumbled back up to bed and passed out for a few hours. I'm not really sure what else I did that day it was so uneventful.

Then Friday I had to run to the health food store as I have found some supplements that have helped with the psycho aunt flo issues I have. I was almost out and Hubs had tried to get me some earlier in the week as he was on a job that was near there but they were out. So I dragged the boys out with me and left Hubs alone to study for his certification test. Ran the errand and then got to see my cousin. I haven't seen my cousin in a few years. She's the one I used to scrapbook with and her place was neutral Switzerland on that fateful Thanksgiving where my dad busted up Jared's tooth. I know, riveting stuff here.

Anyhoo, got to see her and had a good time and promises of future scrapbooking events were made. Ended up there a lot longer than what I planned and we had to dash home just in time as Hubs was finishing up dinner.

I love it when a plan comes together.

While I didn't plan that, I'll go with it.

My cousin was telling me that they read about someone being in their foreclosed home for 5 years. I said I have no idea the who, what, why, or how come of this situation but I'm not going to argue about it. Unless there are more bats. Then I will be really tempted to go off about it.

I did noticed Hubs packed up a few more things. Sneaky fellow. But at the same time we need to just purge a lot of this junk. Got an email from my mom asking if I wanted to do relish and I was more than happy to tell her NO! I did mention a few times that we are going through things on what to get rid of and she hasn't responded. I don't know how else to explain to her we aren't carting her old used junk all over tim-buck-two. Sounds like she's doing backstrokes in the pool of denial again. My cousin did say that my mom is impossible to talk with and once I stopped laughing hysterically, I agreed.

And just because I feel like sharing this, the boys and I tried a new Rolo McFlurry. I had a coupon buy 1 get 1 free. If you love caramel than you will love it. I thought it was really rich and couldn't finish it. Michael happily finished it for me. Nicholas and Jared both said it was all they could do to finish theirs. And that is saying something.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Who Couldn't Use A Laugh Or 2?

It is going to be hot around here and I can just tell my brain will me melted to mush. So I am tossing up some email jokes. In total me fashion, there will be lots of randomness.


A DESERT LOVE STORY

Once upon a time there was a very handsome male camel with two huge camel humps.
He fell in love and married a beautiful female camel who had one perfect camel hump.
As time progressed, they became the proud parents of a wonderful baby camel who had no humps. They contemplated long and hard on what to call their beautiful little boy.
They finally decided on.....

'Humphrey'!

Why do I hear groaning?


TRUCKER'S BREAKFAST...

A trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order. He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said
to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards..... What does he think this place is an auto parts store?'

'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon!'

'Oh.. OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?'

She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!'



If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that 1 out of 5 enjoys it?


WHAT IS A CALORIE?
Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter.
My closet is infested with the little sh*ts.


My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."


STRESS!
You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to a hospital. Now that's stressful.

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you are going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful.

So then ... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth. So, you are NOT the father. You are extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your three kids at home.

NOW THAT'S STRESS!!


HOW DRY IS IT IN TEXAS ?
It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.

Now that's dry!!


The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald’s, and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ‘ouncer’.

Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children’s names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Hillary took her stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally…

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck..


And...

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!


What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like s*x?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have s*x?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during s*x?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Brea$t$ don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the S*x Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with..."a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time...A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t...

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides


Hope this made you laugh!

Monday, June 6, 2011

The Words Escape Me

I wanted to write this fab post about how I got to go see a dear sweet friend Saturday. She truly was my lifeline at the darkest moment of my life. Fellow homeschooling mom who could take one look at me and offer a cookie as I tried to keep my mask on straight.

We were in a hardcore homeschooling group and feel we deserve badges just for attempting it. What I mean is this was the realm of Mary Poppins - practically perfect in every way. And let me tell you the competition and judgement was fierce. And woe to us who couldn't reach the level.

It didn't help that once things leaked about my folks, I was quietly asked not to come back in the fall. At the time it didn't bother me because it was a huge amount of stress to do and my stress-o-meter was in the danger zone for too long. Life ended up overwhelming both my friend and I and we went our separate ways.

Fast forward a few years and the miracle of facebook, we reconnected. Finally got to see her face to face and I was beyond excited. I am beyond proud of her. She has tapped into some inner strength and is changing things in her life. That takes guts! It is so easy to just duck your head and go with the flow. Kudos to my friend.

I came home Saturday to a lovely quiet house because the guys went camping. Oh the peace! Oh the quiet! How I've missed thee! Needless to say, I enjoyed my time. The guys came home shortly after lunch Sunday smelling like bug spray and sweat so showers were had by all. Had to talk to youngest about his attitude and non-stop I don't wanna.

What fun! But we spent the rest of the day just hanging out watching movies so fun was had by all.

That night...everyone had gone off to bed. I was watching Sister Wives which I think I could go off about that show. I honestly feel bad for them, for their kids, but a lot of the junk coming at them is by their own choice. I was telling Hubs that it's no different than what my folks are saying - "this is what I believe and therefore feel that I have to do this because God told me to do it." What I find concerning is as more and more people are saying this is what I believe and live it out that officials will try to squish belief on the grounds of these people are nuts. Wonder where that leaves the rest of us?

But that was not where I was going with all this.

I got up to see if by some miracle some snack would magically appear in the kitchen. I turned on the light and found that no little elves brought me snacky goodness. As I was getting ready to leave the kitchen, I noticed something was flying low to the ground.

Care to guess?

This would be bat number 11.

We've been hearing all kinds of scratching and bat chirping coming from our chimney which is connected to the wood burning stove. Last couple of days it sounded as if they were crawling down the pipe to the stove. I was assured that this was not happening.

What would I know?

Um, the one that had to go get Hubs because a bat came out of the back end of the wood burning stove.

Hubs was armed with Batslayer the wooden sword while I had the spoon I used to ward off another bat. This spoon has seen some action over the years, I can tell you that. I used to spank my kids with it. Hey, it's been retired as my kids are too old to spank but for some reason I find comfort with it because it has protected me from previous bat attacks. The boys said it was fitting because that spoon was an instrument of pain, judgement, and discipline all rolled into a convenient carrying size.

Hubs and I were in the stairway. He was farther down than me as I was keeping my distance as I didn't want to get clubbed upside the head. Quite brilliant if you ask me.

Dude was able to samurai chop the bat sending it flying straight for you know who. Me, being the spaz that I am, was welding my spoon of judgement and was able to basically b*tch-slap the bat. I hit it and the bat slammed into the wall but was still trying to fly so it bounced off the wall where I was able to backhand the thing where where it flopped onto the stairs and Hubby finished it off. All this while I was doing the eww, eww dance.

Surely you know what the eww, eww dance is? It's where you have the major heebie-jeebies and hop around screeching eww, eww. Maybe it's more of an interpretation type of dance than actually dance steps, but I will say you can't get it wrong.

So that was my weekend - girl time, quiet time, tv time, kill the bat time, wait for heart rate to come back to normal time, and then pass out and try to not think about it time. All in time for me to wake up to a Monday.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Won't You Be My Neighbor?

You might want to rethink that. Unless you answered no then that may have been a wise choice.

Angst of yesterday was talk out today so all is wonderful again. We didn't make a ton of noise while talking, heck, I wasn't even yelling. Here's to hoping that progress is still on track and peace will be throughout the house.

But...

You knew there was one.

These guys can make A LOT of noise. Not bad noise mind you but they are LOUD!!!

Case in point, after angst of yore was all talked out and points were made and everyone promised to straighten up and fly right, the older 2 were play some Jeremy Camp together. LOUD! Our piano is beyond out of tune. So bad that we're not sure it can be fixed. It would take multiple tunings and even then they are not sure it would hold. This means if N and M are going to rock out together, N is on the electric keyboard. I stopped counting how many times I've heard it's not the same.

I was all kinds of happy to hear them together and what luck the noise factor was all upstairs. Because if you missed the point I was trying to convey THEY ARE LOUD!! It's when the noise level is everywhere and I can't escape it makes me a tad bit jittery. And by tad bit, I mean borderline psycho.

That's usually when some unsuspecting child will ask what's for dinner and I snapped because the noise made me do it. It doesn't help that no matter what I make there will be drama involved as someone tells me why they don't like it.

It truly is a shock why I went gray early in my life.

Another reason you wouldn't want to be our neighbor is the dog we are saddled with. This dog is on her last leg. She needs to be put down because we're not sure if she has a tape worm or what but she dropped a bunch of weight over the last 6 months. We have gone to great length to fatten her back up but still nothing. Hubby can't bring himself to put her down but I'm not allowed to because she tends to barf when in a moving vehicle. Not even I am cruel enough to make her take a death walk to the near by vet.

I'll just leave it for now that a serious rock, paper, scissor tournament is in the near future.

But the area where the dog is has a more than dead fence keeping this ferocious beast back from the public. I'm not sure which one is going to collapse first - the dog or the fence. There are little kids one house over and they love to come look at the walking bag of fur and I am a bit skert the fence will fall over and hurt a kid. The dog won't make a break for it. She'll probably hide in her house with a I didn't do it look on her face.

Forgive me, she is a sweet dog but it's just a reminder that my parents are pod people and we have a classic case of the body snatchers going on that I am still stuck dealing with. One of my boys asked why and I don't have a reason other than I don't want to burn in hell.

As if all this drama doesn't make you want to move in next door, you sadly can't because the house on the other side of us has sold. Lots of construction going on next door. But my favorite thing is when some tool bag leaves the upstairs lights on that shines right into our bedroom. No one lives there yet so it's not like the lights will eventually be turned off. What fun!

It doesn't help that we still have the anti-raccoon scary dog food contraption still on our side porch and now we have an oven on the porch to go with it. I'm sure the neighbors are thinking the Clampits are living here. I did spot the new neighbors and they have 5 kids with the oldest one I'm guessing to be 6 or 7. Lots of screeching going on and they have a little rat dog too.

Oh the happy - as I think about moving.

So I guess I should be asking you guys if you want me to be your neighbor. Muwahaha!

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Oh My Aching....

Pick a spot!

I have teenagers. Pity me.

I had said on facebook a while ago that I wondered if it's emotionally scarring to refer to your children as stretch marks 1-49; 50-99; and 100-140. I think the stretch marks are trying to stretch some part of me that is not stretchable.

Say that 5 times fast.

I have heard repeatedly that girls are way more emotional than boys. Whoever truly believes that must have a psycho girl because 1 boy child is enough to do me in. We are making progress but why, oh why, do they have to take 5 steps back that took 2 weeks to accomplish in like 10 seconds??

The subject of button pushing is a hot topic right now. 3 boys in 1 room. Let the psychological warfare begin!

The youngest has been pushing buttons with his older brothers simply because I think he's had his buttons pushed and he decided to past the point of no return. Plus he's at the wonderful stage of hello puberty, life as you know it has just ended.

I get him even in spite of his hormonal stage right now. Actually, I understand him even more because that's usually how I feel. But as I have stated before, I don't like the competition and like to be the emotional unstable one of this crew. Everyone has their place. I figured if I take the screwed up position that means they have to be the responsible ones.

I can dream, can't I?

So there have been lots of talks and youngest was told to straighten up and fly right only to have oldest make a smart@ss comment which was the same as mashing all the buttons at once.

Kill me now. It would be so much easier.

How do you show someone that their behavior is only making the situation a thousand times worse? And when I prayed about it that night, I got the smart answer from God along the lines of, "now you know how I feel."

Gee, thanks.

Tonight as I went to send the spawns off to bed, nary a word was said but rolling eyes and eyebrow arches were given and I wanted to slap someone upside the head. I got on the offending party's case only to be given the excuse, "I didn't say anything." At that point my head was throbbing and I told him to get out of my sight and not make a sound or he wouldn't see the light of day until Monday.

His eyes got real big and left the room. Then he had the nerve to complain to his twin that I'm really moody and it must be because I'm so excited to see the new X-Men movie. Oh yeah, that MUST be the reason. Couldn't possibly be some pain in the arse kid who thinks my soul purpose in life is to wipe his nose. I yelled up at him that if he pushed my buttons there would be no movie - period!

I'm not sure what was said but I heard muttering.

I'm now searching for my wooden mallet. Right now it's a toss up between using it on the spawn or myself. It may be a bad sign that I'm tossing coins to pick which one.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Seriously! What Day Is It???

Dang! I had like 4 blog posts rolling around my head and now they are loooong goooone.

I can't even buy a vowel to jog the memory. So sad. I have been informed it is a new month. I'm not sure what month but it is a new one. But this does not help jog my memory for blog posts. This means you are stuck with whatever floats through my head right this nano second and that really can't be a good thing.

If you have to ask why, then you must be new here. Oh wait, you are saved!

Tuesday we had to do the loading of the pantry which means we actually had to leave the house to restock the shelves. That was probably our first mistake. When it was all said and done Nicholas said that's enough people interaction to last him for a few weeks. I expected that comment from Michael so it was a surprise to hear it from N.

We ended up going out to Wendy's before we tackled stuffmart. This turned into dinner and a show. While we were sitting there eating, we could look at the video rental parking lot that was right next door. We watched as a cop pull up behind someone parked in the handicap spot and turned on the flashing you are in trouble lights.

This may be the only time I can say this with a straight face, but I felt really bad for the lady cop. I think she was having to use small words and might have drawn a couple pictures to get her point across. Lot of arm gestures and body language was going on.

I did mention we were watching this, right? And this is my crew so you know there were running commentary through the whole show.

Mer-say!

You just know someone was adding their 2 cents worth to all the hand gestures. Little things like, "ma'am I'm sure your brother uncle is a nice fellow but whoever owns this car has the wrong plates." "You're pretty fast for someone who's parked in the handicap spot. Is your handicap something other than physical?"

On and on the comments rolled.

The cop took off the license plate, all but strip searched this old lady and her dog, and then impounded the car. I about fell out of my chair laughing when I noticed the lady and the cop where sniffing something to make sure it was kosher.

We think the dog may have tried to make a break for it to find someone who would give it legal Milk bones. It was clear the lady wasn't on anything illegal but we think the dog was. It was acting like it was jacked up on something. Or maybe it was just really excited. But it was funny as all get out to sit there and watch.

Actually that's not true. I did feel bad for the lady and quite honestly from just watching the whole thing I'm surprised the shiny bracelets didn't come out. I don't like seeing people go through stuff like that but something wasn't on the up and up.

We left shortly after and made out way to stuffmart. It was a rather busy night for some odd reason. We made record timing which was truly a miracle when you consider all the people we had to go around. I stopped counting how many people thought what they were wearing was a good choice or even the right size. But what got me is they ran into everyone they knew and managed to block almost all the aisles talking away and then had the nerve to give me the stink eye. Whatever was I thinking for wanting to shop?

Is this urban warfare I have heard about? It's bad enough to have to go in the first place but when you have play bumper carts just to get through an aisle is pretty sad. This could be a new video game called Life for the modern family - how to shop without killing anyone, get everything on your list, only spend a certain amount, and you're timed.

I'm tired just thinking about it.