Monday, June 27, 2011

Who Knew I Actually Had A Heart??

Believe me, I try to keep it hidden. I think I was the only one in my family born with one. Past the sarcasm, around the snark, is a beating ball of goo. And yet I always manage to find someone or some situation that smashes that goo to bits.

I can.not.believe how torn up I am over the dog. I've tried to write this post like 3 times and burst into tears which has caused my head to just pound. I was sick all day long, and I'm pretty sure I've gone through a whole box of Kleenex. And I sit here and still can't believe she's gone.

Saturday night after she was already fed, the dog started this bark/cry. We went out to check on her and she couldn't get out of her dog house. I had to lift the roof while Hubs dragged her out. I had thought she had to go to the bathroom but couldn't get up. That's when I noticed she hadn't even eaten her food and Hubs said she hasn't eaten since Wednesday night.

Sunday rolls around and she is doing the bark/cry and I thought she had to go to the bathroom and couldn't get up. We go out there and she couldn't even lift her head and the flies were awful. It was hell to see her suffer and when we weren't out there to hear her cry was even worse. Around 2 am I went out there and she stopped crying. I talked with her a bit, told her she was a good girl and so, so, so sorry she was stuck with us and that we didn't give her the attention she deserved and that my mom was an idiot. I prayed over her, asked that she wouldn't be afraid and that her suffering would end.

I went back inside, tried to stop the tears, and got ready for bed. I didn't hear another peep out of her. I had a wicked headache and neither Hubs or I slept very well so he got up shortly before 6 to check on her. He came back in and said she was gone. He had her buried before he left for work and when he got home he took down the fence, got rid of all signs of her and cleaned the area up. I went out later to look and burst into tears as it looks as if she was never there.

Our kids think we've lost it completely as both of us have been in tears all evening. I feel so guilty that we didn't make her a part of our family more. She wasn't housebroken, my mom had her and another dog as outside dogs. Before we moved the other dog (who was a litter mate so they acted like twins) had either died or was shot which is a long story that I will spare you. One day she was there, that evening she wasn't and never found her again. Megan was the dog left and mourned her sister deeply while we were so overwhelmed we were relieved to have one less dog to deal with.

So when we had to move, we couldn't leave Megan behind. But she was a big dog and didn't like being in the house. Made for an impossible situation and while I know we did the best we could, I can't stop the tears and I can't stop feeling guilty.

Sunday night hearing her cry, I wanted her to be gone and now she is and I can't believe it. And I can't believe how messed up I feel about the whole thing.

I went to do laundry and I looked out the window seeing if she was laying in one of her holes looking in at me. I lost it again. Hubs took the trash out and went to head out to grab the dog's bowl and it hit him and we both lost it again.

God has been on my case for months to not close myself off to people and situations and to be open for future relationships. It was the pain of today that I reminded Him why I want to close the door and not feel. Living with the pain is not something I have learned to deal with very well. I care too deeply, I feel too much and yet when pain comes rolling in, I find myself gasping for breath unable to cope. I can't stop the shoulda, coulda, woulda and roll things through my head trying to figure out what went wrong and how can I avoid getting torn to shreds again.

Before Hubs went off to bed I asked him if we'll get better. He said it's going to take us awhile, to change habits. I'll leave off our major rant about my mother who refused to take care of her dog. I am so upset over the whole thing, I can't trust myself to even email her to tell her that her dog died, crying all day and night and asking her where was she when her dog needed her.


I know she'll turn it back on me and absolve herself of any wrong doing. And right now I can't take that kind of crap. Especially when I can't stop crying over a dog that wasn't really mine. I think a lot of it is just releasing the stress from Sunday not being able to do anything. No vets were open, we couldn't find any place that could help so watching and listening to her suffer was rough.

Hoping the next few days will be better.


Kelley said...

Oh, my heart is breaking for you all! This is so, so sad. Losing pets is so very difficult. My dad still gets teary eyed when he talks about bringing our dog to be put to sleep so many, many years ago. This dog was an outside dog. All of ours were as my mother didn't like dogs in the house. I know the guilt you are talking about. You are an awesome person with a wonderful heart. You did what you could do to help that dog. Don't beat yourself up. You took the dog in when your mom wasn't taking care of it. You and your husband are there for each other, which is awesome. Your kids will know this pain at some point in their lives, I'm sure. Feeling pain is awful, but if you never felt it, you wouldn't know happiness. You'd be a zombie. You will be in my prayers. I promise you. I am so glad you commented on my BFF post over at Things I Can't Say about my son's speech and that mean turtle. Your comment about the turtle having 100 year old ears made me laugh. I'm glad that you commented so that I was linked back here to read what you are going through. I'll be thinking of you all!

Joanna said...

Thank you Kelley. Means a lot.

rthling said...

I know how you feel, friend.
I did wrong by a dog years ago, and still ache over my own failure where she is concerned.
It is part of why I went so beast over Zaccheus. I felt like it was God's way of giving me another chance.
Meanwhile, grieve, sistah. It is normal. And when you are ready, tell your mom that the dog is gone, the best way you can. Try not to let her bully you into feeling guilty, but don't put the blame on her, either. It wouldn't do you any good. It would just start a fight, and you don't need that stress when you are so raw.
I love you, and will pray for your pain to bring God glory. I'm done praying for pain to stop. I know we will all have pain and suffering, so I just want to bear it with grace and dignity, bringing glory to God in the process.
Love, love, love you sistah from another mistah!

rthling said...

and one day...
one day, when we meet...
imma hug you for an hour.

Julie said...

I'm so sorry about your loss. :( ... I hope the pain eases some.


Joanna said...

Oh Diane! Only an hour??? :) Muwah!

Thanks Julie!

Kerri said...

I'm so sorry. I know you wanted to help her. I feel terrible that we couldn't take her for you! I'm just sorry. Losing a pet, whether you're "in love" with it or not, is a terrible loss. Part of the family is gone. And I agree with Kelley 100%. Your MOTHER should be feeling like the crap on the bottom of a tick's butt. When can I meet her again???