Monday, October 31, 2011

Therapy Session 903

Hooray!! I'm making progress!!

Cue music for pod people to do something to try and get progress to null and void. Access denied.

Have I mentioned a time or 50 that I am not a fan of being sucker punched? I'm pretty sure that I have. If you have something to say to me or have a beef with me, for all that is good and holy please tell me about it rather than it get to me way of grapevine news and it's usually when I'm up to my eyeballs with some other crisis that people wait to strike. Not that I'm bitter much. Any more.

Long story short, making progress on getting rid of bitterness towards my parents. Next day went out with Kerri, having a good ol' time when I get a weird email from the pod people because I'm still convinced my real parents have been sucked into some sort of vortex and what is left roaming around are just impostors.

While they were in prison from fighting the man, they handed out my address for people to get ahold of them. I wasn't asked and I've been told numerous times to get over it. Whatever. I got a letter for my mom from some person I have no clue about. I emailed my mom and the name didn't ring any bells for her but asked me to mail the letter to her. Okay, whatever I'll get to it eventually.

Then a family friend died and mom sort of gave me the info about the funeral but kept stressing it wasn't confirmed. I was planning on going and thought I would just give her the letter then. Didn't hear another thing from them and the letter was completely forgotten. Then I get a string of emails going off about why haven't I sent this letter yet. I explained my reasoning but apparently this was taken wrong. I seriously have no idea what the deal was but my dad emails me saying I'm disrespecting my mom and what is my problem - love dad.

Dude.

Just the night before I felt like I had released a lot of junk. And there was junk right back in my face. I was livid. I asked Kerri to read the whole thing and asked to give it to me straight and she couldn't figure out what was so disrespectful either.

Further proof they are crazy.

I really had to talk myself off the ledge too. I knew I had a choice. I was hurt and angry and didn't feel like I deserved that. And just saying that to myself - validating my feelings - I was able to make a good choice to chose forgiveness and telling the junk, yet again, to take a hike.

When I got back home I sent an email and it was short and sweet and, miracle of miracles, completely devoid of sarcasm. I got a response back that oh you must have meant it funny. Nothing I said was even being funny - I was busy and forgot about it. End of story no punch line. After I did a few face plants on the desk I had to take several deep breaths and tell myself it's them NOT ME and I do not need to defend myself to them.

I'm still struggling with that but I am getting better. I have no idea why I think having these imaginary conversations in my head where I tell so-and-so what's what will help because it doesn't change a thing, but it does keep me all stirred up. When I'm stirred up I can tell you I am not at peace. No peace? Well hang on to your shorts because goodness knows what will come flying out next.

Vicious cycle.

So high five y'all! After years of barfing my parents suck - and they still do - it's not taking me down this time.

That's one small step for me and a giant kick to the enemy.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Bzzzz

I think that is all that is left of my brain. Or maybe that's all I can hear right now. It may be a tie.

Spent the last few hours grading the guys' stuff. Tell me again why I do this?? Oh yes, I remember. I was trying to not have my brother, the sequel. Frankly, I just don't have that type of money for bail. Goodness knows I need that for myself.

Sad part is I'm not done grading Jared's stuff as that's on a different computer. But I did managed to do about 15 loads of laundry and I only have about 5 more to go and I got all the ironing done. I can tell you are just amazed at how dull my life is. I understand, I feel asleep just typing all that out.

I would go on and on about some mindless drivel as normal but Chuck Norris the uterus has decided it just doesn't care and doesn't think my 2 readers should be bored. It's already mocking me for the above paragraph.

Why yes, I am feeling a bit wonky - how could you tell???

Hormones are not to be trifled with especially when you have a uterus that has decided it wants to compete with Chuck Norris. I can say it has a wicked karate chop that has been known to render me unconscious.

This is going to be a crazy week so I am glad Chuck is going to do it's thang and then leave. Very glad that whole issue is finally under control. Any PCOS suffers should go to a health food store and try African Mango. It's linked with diet stuff but for whatever reason it has totally helped with the cycle department.

And there is lifting of holy hands....as it grasps the last of the chocolate.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The Countdown Has Begun

I think if we have anything more piled on, my head will explode. Too much to do, so little desire to get it done. THE LIST has been staring at me giving the whole 'bring it' wave at me. Frankly, I'm concern. Seems like every time I'm not looking at it - it grows. I get a few things crossed off and think go me only to see 50 more things added on.

Go me, go!! Run!! The list is alive!!!!

In a sad attempt to get the guys to talk about something other than how excited they are about Halo, I've been baking up a storm trying to stuff their mouths so they will be quiet. It's not working. I'm getting randomly tackled and told how excited they are which I think may be from all the sugar. I sort of feel like I've been run over by a mac truck because teenage boys are pretty stinking solid!! And their favorite thing is to eat.

May God have mercy on our grocery budget.

Feel like standing outside stuffmart with my own bucket and bell with a sign that says, I have teenagers please give! It ain't pretty I'll tell ya that.

On a side note, someone from Mountain View, California really, really, REALLY likes my blog as they are on it more than I am. So hello to whoever you are! Hope you like the blog and aren't planning my demise. Although I hear there is a petition for it. Wish my mom would take a chill pill and just let it go. Sheesh!

Speaking of...

I have found that it is much easier to talk to her via email. I still haven't given her my phone number. I've been asking her about different stuff that is hers because that's what we've been doing for last few days is just going through stuff. The majority of it isn't mine so I thought I would give her a fair shot at it. However, expecting her to come and go through it all will never happen so I think progress has been made.

Yes, I'm still freaking out but I'm doing it quietly and away from the children so as not to freak them out. They are so busy being excited they haven't noticed. That and evasive tactics have been employed. A Nerf war was had and all that implies. We took them to see the 3 Musketeer movie. It was only eh. It was cool to see it in 3D, the characters were more believable but none of the witty banter that the Disney version had, and I am all about the witty banter. Save your money - find something else to watch.

The boys did have a first this last weekend - complete and utter shyness. We've been checking out a church and they were invited to come to the youth group and the twins both locked up. They were introduced to people and I have never seen them so uncomfortable before in my life. While it happens from time to time they usually warm up to people pretty quickly. Not this time.

Ruh-roh, Raggie.

I peppered them with questions on the way home and neither one would say what the deal was. It was a combo of don't know them that well and we're moving so why get to know people? Michael made a comment that he's seen how I have been there for other people and how I've been kicked to the curb and doesn't want to bother. Their father's anti-social gene showed up in both of them at the same time and that was hard to watch. I was then riddled with guilt that all this just us has allowed some cynicism to creep in. I may have said a time or 50 that people suck and you can't count on them for anything.

It's too bad that gets proved right over and over. And it's also too bad I still feel that way.

It does crack me up that Hubs knows a few people through work connections and is sought after and I can just stand there and not say a thing. This is working for me. First time I've seen men actually try to cultivate relationships. It's also the first time I'm not being hounded to "serve" somewhere. For me personally, it's just something to do until we move. Not the best attitudes in the world but this should come as no shock.

Me? With a good attitude??? I don't think so!

Now if only that dream job would open up so I could quit freaking out so much that would be just peachy. I think my kids are convinced that it's just this state and normal people all live in all the other states. Yeah, well, why burst their bubble? They'll learn soon enough.

Friday, October 21, 2011

I Swear I Just Sneezed And The Week Passed Right On By

What? Like it shocks you I've been known to swear a time or 50? Relax it's usually only if pain is involved or my mother which I think that speaks for itself.

The week - it went. The end.

I am having a wee bit of a problem keeping the older 2 focused on their schoolwork. This is about as dramatic as they ever get and it is rather funny to watch. Michael is even saying he's getting excited. This is the boy that we've threatened to light a fire under him to see if he'll move. His mascot in life should be a turtle.

I haven't mention that to him and just the other day he totally did an impression of the turtle from Bugs Bunny. It was scary how spot on he was. And it was even scarier how accurate Nicholas was with Bugs. And then they started quoting movie quotes from other movies in the same tone of voices and I fell on the floor and tried not to pee myself from all the laughter.


It was epic.

And if you just asked what turtle from who - go soak your head in the toilet.

Monday, October 17, 2011

So Remember When....

I said I wasn't all freaking out and such? Well, it turns out I had a delayed reaction and am now freaking out.

I then went to bed and had a weird dream where I got a tattoo, which is pretty amazing when you consider I hate needles and I'm not a fan of pain. I used to laugh that if I wanted something that would mark me for life, cause a lot of pain, and be really expensive, I would have another child.

I actually had to explain that to someone once. It wasn't pretty.

I'm not sure which part of that paragraph caused poor Hubby dear to about pass out - the thought of another child or me with a tattoo. Well at least it was good for a laugh but now that I think about it, I was the only one laughing.

Whatever.

Had to let my folks know hey, you're going to have to go through all your crap since I refuse to cart it all over the place. They took this email to mean hey, we are friends again so let's email back and forth. This should explain all the bruises on my forehead - it turns out if you slam your head into the wall repeatedly you will look a bit funky.

Not much to report. Normally this time of year I feel the calm before the onslaught of holidays but I'm still feeling very peaceful. This must mean God is really going to intervene in a huge way or I have finally gone off the deep end in the pool of denial. The jury is still out on this one.

I'm not happy to discover that the pantry is a bit bare and this means it is time for the loading of the carts. I think the grocery list is the biggest pain in the arse. I hate it with an ever-lasting hate because it is just one big ol' bear that I have to wrestle with every other week. Coming up with dinner for 2 weeks and try to come up with a combination of stuff that everyone will eat is as about as fun as slamming my head into a wall. Which isn't in case you were wondering.

Oh what horrors wait for me at the stuffmart with their psychotic cart and boys that fart and all that money I must part.....with. I was sort of on a roll there but not really.

At least we get to get furnace filters so SOMEONE will turn on the heat. And yet I still get mocked for wearing a ski mask in the house. Oh irony, how you love to slipper-slap me when I least expect it and then you do it anyway even when I see it coming.

Thanks for that ya big jerk.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Hate It When This Happens

Although, I can't say as I've found myself in this predicament before, but I can tell you, I'm not amused. My brain wants to freak out - really, really, really wants to freak out. But for some unexplainable reason my spirit is at peace and is keeping my brain from a full on freak.

Freaky-deaky.

It's like my spirit knows something my brain doesn't. Wait, that's sort of all the time. How to explain? My brain is aware that my spirit knows something it doesn't and for once it's all like, hey! But sadly, the spirit is all nope, you'll just have to wait but you can chillax.

I now have to ask myself if I even know how to chillax or even what that means. (Combo of chill and relax - again not sure I know how to accomplish this)

So here I sit, and wait. And try to override the urge to face plant on the desk over and over and over again until I lose all sense of caring. I think I may be close. Hubby did make me laugh - he said we've been waiting and dreading and wondering when this was going to happen, so now that it's here we're sort of like whatever - moving on.

And I do feel that way. Time to move on. Hopefully to a rodent free house. Oh please Lord, let it be! Between the bats, the squirrels, and the mice I am beyond over it. But the not knowing where we are going is what has me borderline on the freak out stage. Please note this is not to be confused with my general freakiness.

I told one of the boys not to plan out his life because chances of it actually happening are slim to none. He handed me a mini bag of M&Ms. He is such a push over. Although both boys made me feel A LOT better. I was having some serious guilt issues over the lack of them doing driver's ed and then on to a license because it's rather pricey - times 2. They both said they would rather have the X-box than a driver's license. Bless them. At this point I don't care if it was a bold face lie, it eased some serious guilt. But knowing them - it was the honest to goodness truth.

Seriously wish we actually had a season where I wasn't whining about something. I did title this blog as therapy but holy crap! Thought I would be a lot farther along. I don't like knowing the last 6 years have been this hard and it just seems like it's one thing after another. What the heck? I knew there were seasons of life but I think my season is stuck. Does anyone have a big stick I can borrow so as to unstuck this thing?

Friday, October 7, 2011

I Was Gonna Blog But....

The Internet kicked me off repeatedly last night so I gave up. Which now sounds like my dog ate my homework so whatev.

Would it make you feel better if I told you I was weeping and gnashing my teeth? No?? Well I did...for about a minute and turned off the computer. I wasn't feeling that hot anyway so chances are it was a smart move on the Internets part to spare you another boring blog posts of my brain's half baked rants.

Sadly for you, it was only 1 day.

There is all kinds of buzz and excitement here. The twins are getting an Xbox 360. They have wanted one for almost a decade. My nephew had one and they played a lot of Halo but it scared the beejebers out of Jared so we said no. 10 years later - it still scares the beejebers out of Jared but we're going to put it in the toy room where the only way Jared's beejebers will be scared is if he purposely puts himself in harms way.

I will be sympathetic but that only goes so far. Protect your beejebers boy! Wait, that sounds like some form of a sex talk. Now that I think about it, that is very good advice indeed.

Moving on...

So it looks like my cousin and I are going to a Joyce Meyer Conference. We've been kicking this idea around for a while. Really feel like God is saying to go do this. If He would just send me a check to pay for it, I would be ever so grateful. However, this will be the weekend of the boys' birthday which means that will be the weekend my in-laws will want to come up.

I will now downplay the Snoopy happy dance I did that gosh darn it all, I won't be here.

And my happy dance did stop when Hubs said that his folks would just have to come a different weekend.

I will not point out how high my eyebrow arched, nor will I draw attention to the sneer of my lips and total disdain that slipped from them with the question of, "let me get this straight - they are YOUR parents and YOU don't or won't spend the weekend with them unless I'm here with you because why?"

Well just leave it that words were had and a few rounds of rock, paper, scissors was to be had as well. I got the short end and informed in-laws I was going to be gone that weekend so another weekend will be needed.

Any chance at all this can be used as my defense in a court of law?

So then, because Hubby is a male and I'm pretty sure they are all stupid, he points out that his folks better not come up around Thanksgiving in case my folks decide to demand we feed them and my grandparents again. And because I'm female and I am positive we are all crazy, I said that would be a whole new level of hell I'm not prepared to face and I will go mid-evil on everyone.

And that your Honor, is what happen as best as I can recall. Can I go home now?

Just a barrel of laughs over here. At least I think I'm laughing. I can't quite tell if I'm crying or laughing. It may be a wash.

And what luck! We are now on the clock as another round of foreclosure papers have been filed. How many times can you get foreclosed on? After I got done breathing through a paper bag and looked at some of the fine print they are not trying to collect on it, it's just the process of being evicted. Which really - should have happened last year so....guess I can't complain too much.

Now we get to try and keep our panic from the children as we wait for a job opening. I can't say that is too encouraging because in the last month and a half of looking there has been nothing.

But in an attempt to look on the bright side, this is the first year I'm not dreading the holidays. It is weird. Never experienced this before and I'm not really sure what it means. Maybe we'll finally be able to leave this state. My evil plan that I hatched at age 8 to leave Michigan is all starting to come together!

Or not really.

Because my plans tend to backfire. Like a lot.

Back to panicking.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

I Think The Titles Are Messing With Me

Happens every time I go to write a blog post. I have an idea, or not really, and then THE TITLE stares at me and I go blank. Because the title is suppose to sum up this mash of words that is known to all as my ramblings, rants, raves, and/or therapy sessions. How in the heck am I supposed to know what to title this mess? I still don't even know what I'm going to blog about.

I've tried just let the words flow and come up with the title but that has backfired. By the time I'm done with my long winded rant, I'm ready to pass out and start to snore and have weird dreams that involve blogging that make no sense whatsoever.

It's just staring me down. And then I lose my train of thought or it left without me and then I play 1500 rounds of solitaire waiting for it to come back so I can say, "welcome back riders." Long live the Cedar Point memories. Which I find funny since I haven't been there in 20 years.

Dang, that one hurt. I shouldn't put that out there.

So moving right along....

Loaded up the fam and we went and saw the movie Courageous. Oh my. It was really good. I know Christian films get a lot of slack for being cheesy. The only cheese to this movie, I would have to say, was during the shoot out - the sound affects didn't sound right. But it was good. We laughed, we cried, it was a good story.

And I lurv me a good story.

When we were done we went out to Qdoba. I was low on my salsa and guacamole intake because I made a lot of analogies referring to salsa and chips and I wasn't sure why but it felt so right at the time. Go figure.

Saturday Hubby came down with a cold and I spent all night knowing I was getting his germs. I now feel like someone ran over me. They may have even backup just to make sure.

Had a ton of laughs with the guys. We come up with so much inside jokes that it makes no sense to anyone but it will have 1 if not all of us in stitches. I informed the crew that if people were to overhear our conversations they would think we're nuts because we don't even finish the sentence and everyone gets it.

Except my in-laws. And it drives them insane when we do this.

Long pause

So I talked to my cousin and it looks like the 2 of us are going to head out to a Joyce Meyer conference for a weekend. We may, or may not, have screamed like a couple teenagers. Which is sad because she's still close to the teenage years and I am far from it. Far, far, far.....my boys are close to a month from turning 16. 16! I am in complete denial over the whole ordeal. Luckily for me they aren't showing any signs of wanting to drive OR that denial thing is working great for me.

It may be a bit of a toss up.

Whatever.

It's not like we go anywhere so I'm thinking I can delay this for a bit. I have a feeling the blog fodder on that episode is going to take the starch right out of me. I've had a few people tell me I don't look old enough to have kids the age they are - I'm worried teaching them how to drive will age me considerably. First person to ask if they are my grand kids will get popped in the head.

Wonder if I can set up a paypal thing for donations to help pay for my plastic surgery? A reward for surviving should be a new face. You know I'll have this permanent look of terror etched on my face especially when Jared is up to bat. I've watched him on Mario Kart games - we can't convince him to stay off the sidewalks and to stop playing bumper cars.

I THOUGHT I had an agreement with God that the rapture was supposed to happen before any of this driver's training thing but it is looking rather grim. I have a feeling I missed something in the translation. It's all Greek to me.

Thank you! I'll be here all week. Trying not to horph up my lungs. Pretty sure I'll need those.