Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Where I Say Oops

I had this originally titled this, What I Did Over The Weekend and then I was all no, seriously I'm asking because it flew by fast and it just sort of seems like a blur.

However, I never really did get around to actually, you know, posting it so now this will just be one long post where your eyes will roll back in your head, and you will yell at the screen, dear God woman, what is up with you and all the words coming out of your mouth?

At least that's what my husband usually says to me.

I tell him it's probably paybacks for something he did and that always shuts him up. He really needs to quit doing that because this only gets my curiosity and then I tend to stalk him to get him to confess. Either that or I guess stupid things like he was a cat-bugler in Paris when he was 6.

He hasn't confess but he has tossed a pillow at my head a few times. I'm waiting for him to come up with something along the lines that the word marriage is some ancient definition of torturing the person who promised not to leave your side and loving every minute of it.

But if you manage to make it through the post I have have 2 jokes at the end, so your patients will be rewarded. Or you'll scroll down to the bottom and cheat. You so would too, wouldn't you?

Thanksgiving - no extended family, lots of food, stretchy pants, and complete bliss. What's not to be thankful? Although the bird did get done faster than what we were expecting but that just meant we ate sooner. Again, what's not to be thankful about that?

We.pigged.out.

The next day I really couldn't tell you because I read a book the whole day and the guys were either playing video games, building Lego ships, or killing each other. I'm not sure which and all 3 may have happened. Well, except the killing part because that would have involved noise. They have learned if they reach a certain level, I will just show up with my angry eyes and murderlate all of them.

Yes, I made up that word up.

I am, of course, kidding because if I'm going to do hard core prison time it will be for something way over the top. Then again I could just wipe them all out so no one is left suffering.

I am so giving like that.

Saturday I had enough of these people and ran away for the day with Kerri. We laughed, we didn't cry, but I'm pretty sure we laughed at people. At least this time no one threw a fork at her so I think it still ranks up there with fun. Maybe not wild and crazy that someone has to throw a fork at us to simmer down, but fun none the less.

I came home and the first thing I was asked as I walked through the door was, "is it time to decorate the tree?!" Which is a shame because it was at that very moment all ambition and energy decided they didn't want to come in just yet and ran out of the house screaming, "I have her keys, so gun it."

I'm still not sure how they managed to even get the keys but I guess that's a mute point.

So up went the tree and Jared and I decorated it. Well, he helped then decided he was done so he left and I ended up finishing it. All while Hubby did the rest of the place. J came back down and oohed and aahed over everything and then wanted to know how come the tree had more decorations on it.

Seriously? I'm still not sure how he got the Jethro gene, but when I isolate that bad boy in Hubby's gene pool, I will wipe it out so as not to taint the next generation.

All of this holiday cheer brought up the subject of cookies. You remember what happened last year so I found myself rather curious as to how this is going to play out. All I know is Hubby dear said he would help with the cookies and would do a better job at cleaning up. I have witnesses so he is so toast if he tries to weasel out of it.

And because you've made it this far, or were looking where to stop scrolling, I have 2, count them 2 bird jokes to pass along.

A man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said:

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly:

"May I ask what the turkey did?"


QUICKIE IN THE BUSHES:

There are two statues in a park; One of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life!!


The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'


He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.


After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'


He asks her 'Shall we?'


She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions....This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you sh*t on its head.'


And just what were YOU thinking???

4 comments:

Carrie said...

HAHAH!! OK, that was good. Behind the bush and all...

And I am thrilled to know I'm not the only one that makes up words! Thrilled, I tell you.

Not only do I make them up, I just pop in words I think "fit" at that particular time.

Who cares if it makes sense. It's all about how it sounds.

Right?

jubilee said...

We put up our tree tonight too! But, it has lights, a star and one lonely ornament. lol That's what happens when you sell everything before moving! lol

Joanna said...

Carrie - Right!

Jubilee - oops! Well you could go with homemade ornaments. It'll keep the kids busy.

Julie said...

I'm glad you had a nice Thanksgiving. I hope we have an awesome one like that next year. :)

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