Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Le Sigh

Why I decided to have zee French accent is beyond moi. But it iz safe to say my brain was fried and thiz iz all dat iz left.

Seriously whack-a-do type of day. Laundry, bills, school work to grade, the usual. And lest I forget, the never ending request for food. Thought we had all our info for our taxes and figures we're waiting on something from the government to do our taxes so I can sing Staying Alive. And believe me, it's an ugly version. Mainly because I don't know the words and tend to make up whatever. You can forget it rhyming because that is out of the question.

Hubby came home to find me almost face planted on the floor. I have all these intentions and plans for my day and it gets railroaded every.single.time. I find myself in this weird holding pattern of waiting on the guys with one thing or another. This is not good because they all have this assumption I have nothing better to do but to cater to their every need and/or whim.

For example, Jared is feeling, I guess, left out and has decided he needs to have a hug about every 15 minutes. Dude is solid as a rock and is quickly approaching my height. So it feels like a huge train that comes charging in only to slam into me. I told him if he takes me down I will pile drive him. After getting this several times throughout the day, by evening I feel like a mac truck DID drive over me. And then backed up and went one more time.

Un-flipping-believeable.

I have discovered that I am guilty of Pinterest fail. I find great recipes, I print it off, try it out, love it to pieces, annnnd then find out I forgot to pin it to share with others. Whoopsies. The rate I am going, I should have my own cookbook before too long.

Wow. I have nothing else. The brain truly is fried tonight. Think I'll go back on Pinterest for another 6 hours.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Okie Dokie

This is in response to a couple questions I got. Again, this is just me and where I'm at and what I feel God is telling me. Always feel the need to put a disclaimer because it seems no matter what I post someone wants to add their 2 cents worth of why I'm wrong.

Beth Moore has a book Praying God's Word which is part of her bible study Breaking Free. Oddly enough, I've never done the bible study part but I have the other book with my journal and bible all the time. It has scriptures to help break off mental strongholds and this has a wide range of topics to break off. Since I feel everyone could use a check up from the neck up from time to time, this is my go to book.

I was on the topic of rejection when I came across a reference to Luke 6:22-23. From Beth's book "Merciful Savior, according to Your Word, I am blessed when men hate me, when they exclude me and insult me and reject me as evil, because of You, the Son of Man. Your Words says I have cause to rejoice in that day and leap for joy, because great is my reward in heaven, For that is how their fathers treated the prophets."

Ever been there? Especially from your brothers and sisters in Christ? It sucks. It hurts and there isn't an easy way to limp along and pretend they didn't just cut you to the core of your being.

I was still praying, because like I said in my earlier post, I am still mad about the whole thing. Goodness knows how long I've confessed I forgive and I've prayed for that person's well being etc. This is, of course, after I repented for wishing bricks would land on her head.

Work in progress, people. Besides, I'm not the only one, so don't go there.

That snippet raised my curiosity to I grabbed my bible and read the rest of the chapter. It had quite a bit more to say on this subject. Such things like invoke a blessing on your enemy who detest you and pursue you with hatred.

Come again??? Because I thought that ment yer momma and you were supposed to bring it gangsta style NOT bless them!!

"Pray for the happiness of those who curse you, implore God's blessing upon those who abuse you, who highhandedly misuse you."

Ruh-roh, Raggie. That doesn't sound very gangsta style, whatever that would be.

"But love your enemies and be kind expecting and hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great and you will be sons of the Most High..." (I'm paraphrasing through a lot of scripture to pull it together.)

Did I say, gosh I need to do this? Hell no!!! I mean, um, that would be a big n-o. I had a fight on my hands and it was all from me. This person said untruth about me and further more slapped the label God told me to do it that way. There was no way I was convincing myself that this was a good thing to do.

Funny about that because the more I prayed the more I KNEW I was supposed to do this. I gave God all my reasons was this was a bad plan. I was even half-way finished with a power point presentation of why this was wrong and on how many levels of wrong it reached. And I just stopped and surrendered. I was tired of the old junk floating to the top, the same wound gushing open no matter how many bandages I've wrapped it in. I so wanted to be free of the whole thing that I was more than willing to go through what God was telling me to do.

It didn't stop there because after I bought a gift card to the coffee shop I was envisioning the woman spilling it down the front of her favorite shirt or burning her lying lips right off. See? I'm not some great person for doing this. I was in an ugly battle of who was going to win. The running commentary that was going through my head, while freaking hilarious, was so not righteousness. Not to mention the rip roaring fight I ended up getting in with my husband. Which was all him, he even admitted it but it was still unpleasant in the midst of an ugly battle.

Then again, what battle is ever pretty?

I could sit here and quote all the Christian phrases but man it was killing me to actually walk this one out. I prayed over the card - truly asking God to bless the woman, and her lips, from being burned and no spillage please.

There have already been a few of her minions hovering around my blog trying to figure out what I'm up to. I'm not up to anything. I'm a doer of the Word and will act according to what I believe I'm led to do and I actually have scripture to back it up! It said to bless my enemy, so I did. I didn't do this to get back into her group because I am under no delusion that would ever happen even if I wanted to, which I don't. If they can lie and cut me up that bad once why would I want to go again?

Kerri asked if I felt I had closure. I can't say a 100% but I do feel different. I can't really say the hurt was magically removed but I know anytime it does surface I'll pray for this woman because, to be honest, I'm terrified of what else God would ask me to do because that was pretty brutal. I'm not really sure about I'll be blessed because I was such a snot through the whole thing. But I know I did what was asked of me so I hope that counts.

One down, and I hope only one to go. Because I still have to get through the whole shopping trip with my mother! I'm still freaking out about that one. I think I need some more scripture to convince me of that one.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Just A Quick Note...

I was asked a few questions regarding my post about how did I really know I was hearing from God. He backed it up with Scripture. Good luck arguing out of that one! I will post a response to that because it will take longer time than what I have. Pinkie swear!

Unemployment got all straightened out and there is a lot of happy over here.

PLUS I'm going out with Kerri for some girl time.

Oh the happy continues!!!

Which is good because aunt flow showed up. Luckily for me Kerri has met that broad and isn't scared of her. Which amazes me because she can be scary.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

I Would Like To Report...

That stuffmart was totally calm and completely dead. It was a miracle!! And speaking of - we spent less than usual thanks to not having to buy meat and figuring out that J-man has been getting more lunches that what he needs. Plus we put a limit on how much of one thing he can get.

That boy can live off of pizza every day and every way.

Had to work out some stuff with the other 2 boys regarding their music stuff. The teacher said that they should maybe print off multiple copies of each song as they are still working on what key to play each song. Long story short, I had to tell them this several times and it still wasn't clicking. We finally got there and thankfully my eye twitch didn't show up to take things to a whole new level. I even retyped 2 songs to give them spaces to write stuff in.

I will say guitar music is TOTALLY different than piano music. Michael will try to explain something to me and it sails right over my head. My eyebrows can't even pretend to know what he's talking about.

So everything is mostly squared away because goodness knows why this wasn't done LAST week but oh no, someone didn't pipe up and say something. Nicholas will get things done. I don't have to tell him more than twice and dude is all over it, verses Michael has to be reminded a lot of times and then it's about a 50/50. I noticed he hadn't been playing the song list but only songs he already knows. And when I called him on it, turns out he's been struggling with 2 songs that Nicholas completely walked him through it and got it all straightened out.

After asking why didn't he say anything sooner and getting an "I dunno" the eye twitch decided that it wanted to show up and play.

And just because I am, if nothing else, obedient - my folks had emailed asking how things were going with the boys. I told them all the good stuff with the twins and mentioned that Jared was feeling left out. Not that he has any desire to play an instrument but one more thing he's left out of. So I said I was thinking in another month of just loading up Jared and bringing him down with me to see them for the day to hang out getting him out of the house, away from his brothers, and being the center of attention. Granted I left out I was going to have to hog tie my mother to go take her shopping because God told me to.

Let me just say, a fierce game of rock, paper, and scissors is going on between me and the Almighty over this one. So far He's winning 177-0. He told me He thought about letting me win 1 but knew I would call the game after that 1 win trying to ignore His landslide.

Well....the Dude knows me very well.

My mom emails back that yes! this would be a wonderful idea and I could even let him spend a couple nights.

Um, no.

I'm already having to bribe the kid as it is to go along with this plan. I don't think I could ever make it up to him for that level of torture. Not to mention that this is still them and I don't see that boundary line moving anytime soon. But truth be told, it really would do J some good and since I would have my mom with me, he would have my dad totally alone. And I am well aware that Jared longs for that.

Oh Lord, You truly work in mysterious ways......how about best out of 300?

Monday, January 23, 2012

And So....

Our heroine treks off in the weird weather we are having to do the deed. She searched high and lo for a card. Sadly, nothing quite said, "Die Jedi scum, but may the Lord bless you anyway."

She was fully aware this was a battle.

She was feeling every nerve pulled to the snapping point when finally she found a card that didn't send her over the edge. The card before that one was over the top of what a wonderful person you are.

She thought not.

Then she and her man had to go to the bank and do a few other errands. She purchased the gift card and went to sit down and pull the stuff out to get it over with when suddenly.....a cloud of stupid hopped all over the man and he insisted they go home.

Words were had.

Lots of words I can't repeat.

And home they went.

Our heroine sat in the van to try and battle all the raging emotions because it's not like I - I mean she wanted to do this. So to toss in epic stupidness was just not what was needed.

Oh sure, she could tell you she KNEW it was spiritual warfare but did that stop anything? Nope, nada, n to the o - NO. I would like to tell you she was able to say gosh you trampled my already owie emotions but that doesn't come close to what I - I mean she said.

Sometimes I wonder about me, I mean her.

So she did what any normal person would do, she told the man to exit her space immediately before she killed him. After about a half an hour, lot of tears and prayers, she was able to pull it together and write the thing. Not to be stopped, she hopped into the driver's seat and drove to the post office to say I DID IT!! I'm obedient!! Where's my cookie?

When she got home, her leaving apparently caused a ruckus, which she knew it would, and youngest son who can't seem to hold on to anything dropped, and shattered, his plate. Which is why she had stated that she wanted to sit down to write everything out away from the spawn who can bring on distraction like a tornado.

But clearly, I know nothing, I mean SHE - she knows nothing.

Oh Monday! You are such a jerk sometimes! And then again, so are people.

She did it with fear and trembling - not the normal way of feeling it because there was all kinds of trembling and fear of what she really wanted to say but obedience and yes, I may say niceness was done and now that is off the list. And if she weren't so ticked off at someone else right now, she thinks she might actually feel a slight release.

And so I - uh, our heroine is off to make a grocery list because she seems to be stuck in the land of Oz of this sucks.

I want a cookie.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

How Do You Say....

I think I have infected my kids with that gene that makes you just not fit in. I so do not have the IT factor. I still don't even know what IT is other than I DON'T HAVE IT!!

For the most part, I have embraced that I am an odd duck - destined to swim the waters pretty much by myself. While I'm not a loner, far from it, as that is so my husband. I just don't seem to fit in all that well. This has often left me dazed and confused. I find myself in this weird little waddle of wanting to paddle my little ducky butt up to the group and try to be a part of it, but the other part of me wants to tell everyone to quack off.

And I have no idea why I'm using the whole duck theme here. I'm just gonna go with it.

I'm now worried my kids have that same issue. Believe it, or not, I don't think it's a homeschool thing either. They get along with others and have no trouble putting themselves out there, but they too do not have the IT factor.

Does anyone know where I can buy the IT factor? And any chance would it take coupons?

Last night was first night of practice for the guys and if anyone has sat through any music lessons - daaaaay 1.

It'll get better. And really there were 2 songs the whole group nailed which was rather impressive considering none of them that were there had played in any type of group before. My boys are the only male vocals and Michael can get this gravel tone to his voice that just cracks me up. And Nicholas can harmonize just beautifully.

Yes, I'm impressed BUT I know it will get better.

It has to get better.

For the love of God, tell me it will get better!!!

I kid...sort of.

As I sat there trying to read a book through all the noise, which is totally talented by the way if I do say so myself; I couldn't help but noticed that they didn't have the same "look" that everyone else did. These guys are clean cut through and through and to even suggest a change would get you the glare of "I so don't think so." Which, I'll be honest, I kind of like that about them. They don't bend for any one's opinion. Take them or leave them - they don't care. They know what they like and you can't change their mind. I'm now worried they come off as snobs.

I don't know - probably just being over sensitive. They don't seem all that bothered. Now I can sit here and over analyze if I'm just projecting my own issues onto their situation. Not like I would ever do tha.....yeah, I can't even type that with a straight face.

Moving on....

We STILL have no unemployment money and I'm now breathing through a paper bag. And in the middle of all this hyperventilating, I now find myself given a challenge from God that I am non too pleased with. So much so, that I'm not even giving the details because I really don't want to face it. I think if I just left it all mysterious I could trick myself into doing it and then actually have a great go me blog post.

And now I have this weird feeling that would take any brownie points I would have actually accumulated and flushed it right down the drain.

Hmmmm.

Well....God is telling me to bless someone who treated me like crap. And sadly, I am still pissed off about the whole thing. I've prayed for my enemy, I finally got over wanting to run her over or even to egg her house. But I am so frustrated that these darn feelings haven't gone away let alone tapered off. The kicker is we're flat broke and while I was given a plan on the what, the how to pay for it plan has been sadly lacking. THEN to top it off, He tells me I need to go and really bless my mom after we get our tax return. I am still in the phase of shock and denial because I think I asked the Almighty if He was smoking something.

So far I'm pulling the golly, gosh, gee-whitackers don't have it card but when I have some extra cash, I'll put that on my list of things to do. If I hear any thunder rumbling, I am so taking cover because I think I may be pushing my luck on this one.

I keep getting over and over that this is for my own good and while part of me gets it, my inner 4 year old apparently doesn't want to go along for the journey. Not to mention I know full well this person is only going to sneer at this gesture of kindness. Believe me, it's not the gesture I was going for, plus it won't mend the fence on either side. I don't even care if God uses it as a supernatural colon-insecto-ectomy which is my made up word that means the surgical removal of the bug from one's, um, colon.

Jesus loves me this I knoooowww!! Cuz He hasn't fried me sooooooo!

If y'all don't hear from me, say a prayer or fifty in case that purgatory thing really does exists. The crappy thing is I know He's given me a deadline to do in. And Dude is so giving me the eyebrow arch. I have a feeling failure is not an option.

Tune in next month to see if I really go through with it.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Well Okay Then

We had a busy weekend. Guys started off their WorshipArts program and they are beyond excited. Came home - everything great. Next day, we had our bible study - everything great. Right before bedtime - total freak out that they don't know the majority of the songs.

And I'm the crazy one because???

Monday rolls in with Hubby actually working which is good because I wasn't sure how groceries were going to happen. Actually I'm still not sure because I am a fan of electricity and water and things like that. But I let the guys off the hook with the books so they spent the day working on 6 songs.

They worked really hard!! All day!! Like over 6 hours.

And then had to take a break to deal with putting away their laundry and take out the trash and then were back at it again.

Hard!!

Too bad we can't have this enthusiasm for math...or English...or anything academic but enthusiasm was present so I guess I can't complain. Too much.

I did get cracking up laughing at them. They were struggling with one song and one of them said, "One more time!" And "try it again." Funny stuff.

I decided to reward all this hard work with a pan of lasagna. I was declared the best mom ever. Which is good because just the day before I was accused of poking around, being too aggressive, and nosy. It's like they don't even know who I am because duh. You're under my roof, my rules and you can take it to the bank I am going to be all up and in their business. So take that stretch marks 1-59, 60-120, and 121-160!

Although now that I think about it, Jared really didn't cause any stretch marks. Guess I'll have to come up with something else for him.

I am now trying to figure out a way to sneak in Midol pills into everyone's food. What? It's all I have and it's cheaper than Prozac. There is no point in wasting good chocolate on these people because it doesn't change their mood. Where is the fairness of that I ask you?

I did take a bit of resentment that there was a prayer for God to intervene and somehow make sure that I get them there on time. Dude. I can't even really say anything snarky about that because I had to agree with them in prayer over it because I am genetically inclined to be 5-10 minutes late. And that's on a good day.

So fun was had by all. Except I feel kind of icky. Like a dry throat icky. The posse better pray harder.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Where Whirl Meets The Wind...

Oh my! Look at the time and the date. It all started when I went on Pinterest, next thing I know it's a new year. Wowzers. It has been....um, crazy? busy? or I'm just totally distracted with....something. I really have no idea why time is just zipping by.

I got to go out with Kerri where we sorted through an ocean of beads. I am still seeing these white beads in my sleep, but it was for a good cause - cause she needed them. But I had a good time anyway. Nice to get out and just putz around. Shopping with kids is like a Mission Impossible episode - get in, get the stuff, and get out before something bad happens. The only time I like to shop with the crew is for groceries so I don't have to hear, "why did you buy THAT?!"

My birthday showed up on a Monday. Typical. And true to form, my folks called the exact time of my birth to sing, off key, happy birthday to me. I said I now know why I came out crying.

Speaking of crying, I attempted to make myself a birthday cake. I was informed I'm not supposed to do that but it's either I make myself a cake or go without. Saw a recipe on Pinterest - which I totally forgot to pin - and thought, I can do this. Apparently I can not.

The cake was fine because I used a box mix but the frosting was just wrong. So wrong we threw the whole cake away type of wrong. It called for 1/2 cup heavy whipping cream to be melted with white chocolate which was later supposed to be beat into a homemade whipped cream. All I can think of is the white chocolate wasn't cold enough because it just went wrong and kept on going.

Was probably for the best as I'm still trying to work off New Year's festivities.

The next day we went grocery shopping and wonder of wonders, the place was pretty much empty and we got out in record time AND there were more than 2 lanes open. Truly a miracle.

The older boys are just going nuts - Saturday kicks off the worshiparts program and they are beyond excited. Got to go see a buddy I don't see enough of and tomorrow I'm heading over to my cousin's place where I'm supposed to scrapbook. I say supposed to because I didn't get all my stuff together so I'm just going to take my cross-stitch project I've been working on for like ever. We're just going to hang out and talk anyways so no big deal.

We took an extra week off of school because it just seemed like the time flew by and I didn't get stuff done that I wanted to get done. So that fell through and I had to crack the whip to get the guys back at it. Feeling very sluggish. So sluggish in fact, that I didn't get up with them. At this stage they don't need me as they're all on their own studies and since Hubby is home - he can crack the whip.

Muwaha!

Lot of good stuff going on spiritually speaking. Not even sure where to start. Some of the reason I haven't blogged so much is I'm just not sure how to put it all into words. Well, I don't know where to stop putting it all into words. Sure is nice to be at a better place. I got laughing with my friend - when I look at all the crap I have gone through, whoa momma!

But I can say it's all good in the hood. Can't say that every day but I can today. Last week I got into a rip roaring fight with Hubs. Knock the door off the hinges, light bulbs flickering all the way around type of fight.

I'm sure none of you know what I'm talking about.

After the dust has settled, I can say it was needed. Things are being looked at on both ends of this equation we call marriage. Holy wow can marriage be one big old bear to dance with, but eventually, even a bear can be trained to get its grove on.

Now if we can just be doing the same dance at the same time....

And now I must slink off to bed as I have to get up early. Well, early for me anyway.

Friday, January 6, 2012

To Laugh Or To Cry....That Is The Question.

I am convinced my life is one messed up mystery, who-done-it novel. Although I'm not sure what was done let alone the who part. And I'm now worried I'm supposed to figure this out with the sad, pathetic amount of clues....I don't have.

Anyhoo.....

My folks came up the other day. Here's the funny part - they so saved our bacon. Long story super short - someone they know blah, blah we got half a pig of meat. Record short story for me!

(Also makes that bacon comment funnier)

This is good because thanks to unemployment crap and end of year junk, we must file new claim but not yet or whatever. Translate to I have no idea when we're getting any money. Our savings is about gone. And miracle of miracles, I am not in a panic. Does this suck? You betcha. But we got meat and I spent the day coming up with a small grocery list to go with meat. Hooray for not starving!

Although, if I'm honest, we should go on a fast to purge the holiday goodness. I don't see this happening. At least not with the guys. I've almost convinced myself to give up food.....for about an hour.

But the visit with my folks wasn't
too bad. My dad went off on this whole sermon about being a body, spirit, soul which one of the guys said "well, duh." The only thing we can come up with is that dude realizes he so missed some formidably years with his grandsons and now wants to cram a decade worth of bible sermons into every.single.visit.

What fun!

This, however, brings out the eye rolls of angst. And that is just from me. Sort of feels like he's acting like we haven't covered the basics so he's there to fill in the gap.

Speaking of gaps and like to shove someone in it...

I got another talking to regarding my brother. My mom is now misquoting scripture and adding things like, 'love thy brother as yourself'. After the 5th misquote all having to do with loving thy brother, I got the hint. Although Jared piped up that it's love thy neighbor as yourself, not brother.

Love that kid.

Whatever. I'm not sure what it is she's expecting me to do. 1) I don't have his address. 2) I don't care. 3) see #2. And 4) he's rather hard to talk to because he's EXACTLY like my mom only not as pleasant to talk to.

Let that one soak in for a second.

But that isn't the should I cry part. The funny part is my mom is calling around all over Fort Wayne, Indiana looking for a job for Hubs. Seriously? Seriously. Just what every son-in-law longs for in his heart - not for his mommy to find him a job BUT for his mommy-in-law to find him a job - in a city near said MIL whom, last I checked, despises with a good portion of his body, mind, and soul.

And there I is - in da middle of this....interesting tale of woe.

I am at a loss for words. And that is a new and weird feeling for me.

So would you laugh, cry, or drink yourself to the point where you just don't care? The only flaw with that is I'm too broke to buy anything of strong drink. Laughter it is.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

So When Did It Become A New Year??

Seems like the last couple weeks have flown by. It didn't really dawn on me that the holidays are over until I came down the steps to see Hubby dear had pulled up all the boxes to take down the Christmas stuff.

Good morning to you too.

I hate unemployment with a passion. Dude has wrecked my schedule all over the place. Plus he's been hogging the computer and has been bugging me to talk about......camping. Please shoot me. I'm sure no jury will convict you because I will even have a letter written on your behalf to not be held accountable.

My last couple of days have been listening to either camping crap, all talks of music, and Lego speak. All while having to have some look of intelligence because oh, the hurt feelings everyone has if I tend to nod off or drool from lack of brain activity. I have to be perky and listen while someone has been known to fall asleep in mid-sentence and then will argue with you that no, YOU were wrong because he wasn't sleeping, he was resting.

On second thought, don't shoot me, shoot him.

And I feel the need to apologize for using the same blog themes over and over but I'm sort of lacking in finding stuff I like. I might change it. I never know with me. Pinterest has taken up all my time to just look at stuff. I'm thinking about locking myself in the den with the computer so I won't have to put on a fake smile and try to pretend that I give a flying fart about some stupid guy staying in a yert and all his survival skills. I'm still not sure what a yert is nor do I care to.

My luck they'll break down the door with an axe and build some type of shelter from the door splinters and then ask what's for dinner. I'm only slightly kidding - about the door.

But hey, I hope I'll get back at it here shortly.