Thursday, January 19, 2012

How Do You Say....

I think I have infected my kids with that gene that makes you just not fit in. I so do not have the IT factor. I still don't even know what IT is other than I DON'T HAVE IT!!

For the most part, I have embraced that I am an odd duck - destined to swim the waters pretty much by myself. While I'm not a loner, far from it, as that is so my husband. I just don't seem to fit in all that well. This has often left me dazed and confused. I find myself in this weird little waddle of wanting to paddle my little ducky butt up to the group and try to be a part of it, but the other part of me wants to tell everyone to quack off.

And I have no idea why I'm using the whole duck theme here. I'm just gonna go with it.

I'm now worried my kids have that same issue. Believe it, or not, I don't think it's a homeschool thing either. They get along with others and have no trouble putting themselves out there, but they too do not have the IT factor.

Does anyone know where I can buy the IT factor? And any chance would it take coupons?

Last night was first night of practice for the guys and if anyone has sat through any music lessons - daaaaay 1.

It'll get better. And really there were 2 songs the whole group nailed which was rather impressive considering none of them that were there had played in any type of group before. My boys are the only male vocals and Michael can get this gravel tone to his voice that just cracks me up. And Nicholas can harmonize just beautifully.

Yes, I'm impressed BUT I know it will get better.

It has to get better.

For the love of God, tell me it will get better!!!

I kid...sort of.

As I sat there trying to read a book through all the noise, which is totally talented by the way if I do say so myself; I couldn't help but noticed that they didn't have the same "look" that everyone else did. These guys are clean cut through and through and to even suggest a change would get you the glare of "I so don't think so." Which, I'll be honest, I kind of like that about them. They don't bend for any one's opinion. Take them or leave them - they don't care. They know what they like and you can't change their mind. I'm now worried they come off as snobs.

I don't know - probably just being over sensitive. They don't seem all that bothered. Now I can sit here and over analyze if I'm just projecting my own issues onto their situation. Not like I would ever do tha.....yeah, I can't even type that with a straight face.

Moving on....

We STILL have no unemployment money and I'm now breathing through a paper bag. And in the middle of all this hyperventilating, I now find myself given a challenge from God that I am non too pleased with. So much so, that I'm not even giving the details because I really don't want to face it. I think if I just left it all mysterious I could trick myself into doing it and then actually have a great go me blog post.

And now I have this weird feeling that would take any brownie points I would have actually accumulated and flushed it right down the drain.


Well....God is telling me to bless someone who treated me like crap. And sadly, I am still pissed off about the whole thing. I've prayed for my enemy, I finally got over wanting to run her over or even to egg her house. But I am so frustrated that these darn feelings haven't gone away let alone tapered off. The kicker is we're flat broke and while I was given a plan on the what, the how to pay for it plan has been sadly lacking. THEN to top it off, He tells me I need to go and really bless my mom after we get our tax return. I am still in the phase of shock and denial because I think I asked the Almighty if He was smoking something.

So far I'm pulling the golly, gosh, gee-whitackers don't have it card but when I have some extra cash, I'll put that on my list of things to do. If I hear any thunder rumbling, I am so taking cover because I think I may be pushing my luck on this one.

I keep getting over and over that this is for my own good and while part of me gets it, my inner 4 year old apparently doesn't want to go along for the journey. Not to mention I know full well this person is only going to sneer at this gesture of kindness. Believe me, it's not the gesture I was going for, plus it won't mend the fence on either side. I don't even care if God uses it as a supernatural colon-insecto-ectomy which is my made up word that means the surgical removal of the bug from one's, um, colon.

Jesus loves me this I knoooowww!! Cuz He hasn't fried me sooooooo!

If y'all don't hear from me, say a prayer or fifty in case that purgatory thing really does exists. The crappy thing is I know He's given me a deadline to do in. And Dude is so giving me the eyebrow arch. I have a feeling failure is not an option.

Tune in next month to see if I really go through with it.


Maggie S. said...

They are twins. They do their thing. When they decide not to need to be like everyone else, they have each other. Automatic, private, in-crowd.

Or something.

Waiting with you on the dollars thing. We know He is gonna show up. It's just so nerve wracking to wait and have to tell people, "Not now; soon." Exhausting.

Joanna said...

I KNOW!! Beyond exhausting!! I was at the point were I didn't want to talk to anyone because first thing out of their mouths was "what's going on with the house?" or "what are you going to do now?"

Luckily for me, the person I'm suppose to bless made sure to pretty much destroyed all outside contact so that settled a lot of dust.

This is me trying to take the high road - did it work? ;)

Lorraine said...

Oooh!! Can't wait to hear how you've been blessed in your obedience to His Voice. My experience in this sort of thing is knots in the stomach, white knuckles, arguing, surrender and then BLESSNG! The end is a HUGE reminder that God is God. How cool that you are able to hear God's direction so clearly...down to the details. Do you think he knows the result of what He is asking? Do you think He wants the best for you?
Cool that your boys are the way they are....their traits will serve them well to make it through teenagehood and into adulthood.
I longed for that "IT" at I'm pretty happy being me, without "IT"
I so appreciate the honesty of your blogging!!

Carrie said...

I am just so, so sorry things are rough right now...they are absolutely going to get better.

They always do...just remember that.

I've said it before and I'll probably say it many more times but I love your humor. And your wit.

Hang in got lots of us cheering you on.

Joanna said...

Lorraine - Yeah I know it's for my own good and that He knows what He's asking of me. I'm just not that thrilled over the whole thing.

Carrie - I know it'll get better....someday. It's just surviving until someday gets here. I think the hardest part was trying to hang on to something and not being able to. That sucked!!

Thanks! I'm thrilled you like really like me!!!

Yeah, I went there. :)

jubilee said...

I totally "heard" your phrase 'failure is not an option' in Seven of Nine's cyborg voice. I'm such a nerd.

Guess I don't have the IT thing either. Never really thought I did, this just confirms it for me.

I can't wait to tell someone to quack off . . . lol