Had some more humble pie. You would think with this many
servings it would be getting old, and you would be correct, but when you
have nothing left to eat but the humble? You pretty much suck it up and
Grandparents that gave us the questionable food is sending us a check to get plates and licenses. Because you only have so many days to get that done. And we'll just leave off we're past that time. My folks' visit went just fine and I had made a snarky comment about asking grandparents for money to help. And they did.
I am an @$$.
I could be all they never had much to do with me so yeah, about time they help out. Or they've helped out my other cousins so yes, they should. But that just falls away and all I can do is say thanks God for sending someone to bail us out....again.
Aaaand in-laws just sent money as well. On top of it, every time they've called, my phone either wouldn't let me answer it, or I've been out of minutes thanks to a talkative relative. I'm sure this is making the warm fuzzy feelings for me at an all time low.
Insert deep sigh of frustration
I find it hard to be in this constant state of needing help. I don't think it's because I'm prideful, it's mainly because most of my life when I've needed help - it's never there. And I find myself in these weird situations over and over and I keep thinking, "what the heck is going on?!?"
Believe me, this shocks the snot out of me because my life wasn't supposed to go this way. I was supposed to have a house with a white picket fence and a walk-in closet. And everything was supposed to be perfect too. Might as well toss in world peace while I'm going for it.
And on marches the message of - go ahead and make your plans, they won't work anyway.
So many lessons over the last few months. Where to begin? Can't. Not enough brain power to make it happen. But I think my biggest is learning to pray for strength to go through. I've spent my whole life asking God to take things away or to make things happen a certain way. All to no avail - hence the toilet flush. I heard a sermon about a month ago about the bible says over and over about a situation not going away but the person going through the trial. That sort of stuck with me.
Whatever it is you're going through - pray for strength to get through it. Chances are if it's knocking on your door, it's there for a reason. Is it an attack? A learning lesson, a kick in the pants, or maybe an opportunity to press through to the other side?
Does it suck? Yuppers. Doesn't it hurt? More than I have words to express. However, there are experiences gained that can't be washed away. A strength that has been found, character that was developed that wasn't there before. I think the pain of regret is worse than the pain of going through something because regret never seems to go away.
If we're the only bible some people ever read - what do you want them to see? How about I am still here. This situation should have totally bottomed me out and while there are days it feels like it did, it really didn't. Because I.am.still.here.
Take that, you crappy situation with all your extra helpings of humble pie!
Friday, August 31, 2012
Had some more humble pie. You would think with this many
servings it would be getting old, and you would be correct, but when you
have nothing left to eat but the humble? You pretty much suck it up and
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Okay, right now my eyes are starting to cross, I'm tired, and my brain is
only slightly functioning. We had to go grocery shopping. Work was really sad Fred couldn't stay and work overtime. We were too but we needed food so the never ending story of the loading of the carts was to be had.
Finally got to try Chik-fil-A. Yum-o! Their breading is da bomb. There wasn't one close to us but it was worth it. Except it was near the oh, dear Lord, Wal-mart and we decided not to shop there. They didn't stock most of what we needed but it's right next to a Sam's Club. I really wanted that one to work for so many different reasons. But then that would mean life is making sense and we just can't be having that, now can we?
Why does this have to be so difficult? More accurately - why do I make things so difficult?
In my defense, most of the stuff they didn't carry was stuff Fred and the guys like. I could have made it work. Mostly. There were a few items they didn't have but I could have made it work. Then again, I would have whined and complained about those couple items. And now I can't remember what those items are and why they were so important.
I did mention I'm tired, right? Probably because I didn't get enough sleep. I just looked at the time and am now kicking myself for still being up.
We started up school this week. It's going good so far and that is something to be applauded. Heavy work load for older 2 but they're JUNIORS! Aaahhhh!!! When did THAT happen?!? But thanks be to God, they out grew a lot of don't wanna and are tackling things.
A moment of silence while I cry great big sobs of oh, thank you Jesus!
Jared threw a big old don't wanna fit but then once he did his first day liked everything. English is a bit beneath him but that makes him happy. I'll leave off I didn't get the right grade level but he'll fly through it and then I'll get him the right level. Got to love Spectrum books! So very, very affordable.
So we're off and running.
I still hate the stupid alarm clock.
Monday, August 27, 2012
When you talk to yourself repeatedly, have an argument with yourself - even gets rather heated, but you make up with yourself over a bowl of ice cream, and/or have laughed hysterically at some of the random thoughts you have going through your head.
Oh, wait...that's just me every.single.day. Except the ice cream as I can't keep food around here for very long.
I'm concern my boredom levels are reaching to new levels. My random thoughts are getting funnier and more inappropriate.
While sitting in church, I started to have this running commentary going through my head. Now mind you, this isn't new. I've sat through many a boring sermon so to keep myself awake, and entertained, I've answered some of the stupid questions that a pastor will toss out there. All in my head, of course, less the ushers are summoned to kick me out....again.
Hey, it was only once and it wasn't MY fault. The twins were babies and were starting to fuss. Apparently, the bouncers, aka ushers, didn't think I moved fast enough to quiet them down.
While I'm sure some of you are saying so that's where is began, you would be wrong.
I remember getting bored in church as a kid, and dad and I would play games. Like he would have his hand open and I would put my finger in his hand but pull it back before he would close his hand and grabbed it. I failed a lot and then started to snort and giggle when I would slowly move my finger closer to his hand and then about shriek with laughter having him get my finger anyway. My mom would glare at us from across the room as she was sitting in the choir. I usually got yelled at on the way home from church.
As a mom, I totally get that now.
So I had to learn to come up with other ways - quiet ways - to stay awake and try to pay attention. Dad was understanding unless you started to doze off, then your life was now in peril. I think that might have been the reason my brother chose to sit somewhere else than next to dad.
One way to stay awake, alert, and possibly remember what the topic is about really is to answer the questions. I'm pretty sure they fall under rhetorical questions but hey, it's not like anyone can hear my responses.
Preacher: How would you describe the last few years of your life?
Me: Epic turd flush of a life suck. (You're welcome, Kerri.)
Preacher: Would you say it's been difficult?
Me: Yes, especially if you fight against the flow of the toilet.
Preacher: What happened when things didn't go according to plan?
Me: It's rather amazing what one will cling to when trying to keep one's head above water. Hmm, does that mean one man's poo is another man's life raft?
D'oh! Focus Joanna, you missed his next point.
Preacher: Cling to God!
Me: You better, because after hanging onto that turd, no one else is going to come near you.
Preacher: I'll say it again, cling to God!
Me: Yes! Amen! Because He's the only one that will have anything to do with you while you're floating down the sewer pipe of life.
And that right there, made myself laugh. In church. Because I'm like 12 and have potty humor. Luckily, I was able to cover it quickly by pretending to cough....up a lung.
I know I have issues and all but that was a close call.
We've been church shopping. It's been overwhelming too. We've hit a few mega churches. We've gone back to one simply because they have incredible worship. Incredible. I heard someone say they go on tour a lot because they are that good. The messages, so far, aren't all that impressive but they just got a new pastor so willing to hang in there to see what he's got in store. But it is so huge that we could be there for years and no one would ever know we even existed. Can't say this is the one as it doesn't feel like home, but I can't go on that because nothing has felt like home.
We went to another one about a month ago and all four guys about bolted as soon as the pastor said amen. It might have been a bad sign that the whole congregation looked like they tried out for the one phone commercial - we ALLLLL bundle. I wish I were kidding. The dude in front of us was so into his role of super, happy Christian that I found it hard to believe he was married. To a woman.
Yes, I know I am jaded about people, but I find it a bit nauseating when someone turns around to shake my hand, clutches it with all the warmth of a corpse, and beams about how super, duper awesome it is to be in the house of the Lord.
Nicholas looked at me and went eek. And I started to giggle. Horrible example, I know. I got him back when I said he must be trying out for Barney's replacement and N couldn't contain his laughter.
I really hope I'm not going to hell.
None of the guys liked the worship and I totally agree with them that it was poor song choices, but as far as talent - they beat any church we had been to hands down. And the pastor's message was really good. Lot of meat and potatoes. It was completely scripted, so not sure about that but a good message nonetheless.
So which is more important - worship or message? Because so far, we haven't found one with both.
We've been debating about it back and forth. Jared and I have been saying message is important as you can go home and listen to good worship music. Fred, Nicholas, and Michael totally disagree and said you can find good teachings through books, bible studies, and online but our focus is to worship God while gathered as a body.
I do find it interesting that while weighing pros and cons of mega churches that one of the pros that no one knows you and you don't feel like people pounce on you as soon as you walk through the door, can also be the con that no one knows you and you can walk through the door and no one cares.
Not fun looking around trying to see what fits and where you fit. I've been a fish out of water my whole life so I find I have a lot of apprehension. Toss in I don't trust people anymore and this makes for a lovely cocktail of yeah, don't think so.
Friday, August 24, 2012
What a day! Why do I procrastinate so much? Why?!? It has bit me in the butt more times than I have butt for the um, bite. Just go with it. I'm tired, I'm weepy, and I'm tired. Dang! I already said that. Doh!
Stupid procrastination! Why do I fall for your stupid lies every.single.time? Oh yes, because I just don't give a gosh darn it to get it done now. Besides, I thought I saw something shiny and hey, I haven't been on Pinterest in forever. Eh, I can do that later.
And Later? Where the heck have YOU been hiding? You NEVER come around. Well, actually, you do but it's more like a sneak attack of buh-bam! did you get that thing done you were supposed to? Because it's like needed. Right now.
Then you give me the eye roll and a sigh because I'm not ready for you and here you are wanting whatever it was you showed up for. And why the heck are you pestering me anyways? What did I ever do to you to deserve this harassment?
What's that? I signed up for it? No, I didn't!
Not, not, not, not!!!
I chose to home school. Well, really this is just an obedience thing. Any day now God is going to let me off the hook and pronounce me a good obedient person. Any time now. It's not a life sentence. It just feels that way.
All I can say is thank you, Lord, for Fred! Because today could have gone a lot worse as in not gonna happen. We got all the school stuff organized and ready to go for Monday. Believe me, this was no easy task. Because some subjects have less lessons than others so they don't have to do those everyday, and some they do. So figuring out what subjects to do which day but not to overlap the other subject can be...well for me...overwhelming.
And me, being so totally me, didn't get stuff graded and recorded before we moved. Some of that was we were in this whirlwind of packing, so school stuff just got packed and just now got unpacked. Blah! Stupid life. One of these days it's actually going to work and go in a smooth direction. Hopefully not backwards but smooth nonetheless.
We managed to get a few other things accomplished today as well. And bonus! The landlord finally got around to having someone swing by and take the construction trash away. Because I can't begin to tell you how awesome that was to have by the back door...in 100+ degree heat. But the happy is we now have a key to the back door! Having to park in the back but walk to the front to get in was just loads of fun! Said no one.
I wouldn't know because I don't get to go anywhere. So Fred is thrilled to be able to use the back door now.
Oh and my parents are coming Saturday. Because we suck and need help with money. And now I will cry the cry of loser. Let's just hope they aren't bringing stuff from my grandparents. *shudders*
Last time, my grandparents cleaned out their food closet to "help" us out. Too bad all the pasta had bugs in it - that no one knew about until I cooked it and noticed all the floaties. I went through 2 boxes of pasta and all were bug filled that you couldn't tell until poured into boiling water and floated to the top to say, howdy!
I was scared to try the rest.
Then I noticed everything was past expiration. Tossed it all and got real creative that night. And by creative I mean I took a note from Snoopy and we did toast, popcorn, and freezie pops.
As if our situation wasn't crappy enough, let's toss in giving rotten food to boot. My grandparents' reaction was beggars can't be choosers. Well snap! What do you say to that? That can be repeated?
Needless to say, it is with great apprehension I wait to see what is going to be thrust upon me.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
More like I really hope I can survive another round of the puberty blues. Oh dear Lord, I will be so happy when this is done!!! I want a medal, a parade, and a vacation.
I do realize that this is the end and Mr. McSqueakerton will squeak no more - maybe more of a squawk then squeak. I will miss that squeak. Truly I will. Jared can make squeak noises like none other. His sound effects are the best hands down!! So I do find it sad that he's starting to change.
Part of me doesn't want my baby to go through it, but the other part of me wants him to knock it off with all the mood issues and start to act his age. It is a hard age on kids. Some kids like my older boys are ready to take it on and others, like my youngest, don't want to change. I think he's just not sure what to do with himself and then he ends up acting very huggy to the point where he's clinging on me. Did I mention it's been a really hot summer? Can you imagine someone almost as tall as you hanging on you? I was ready to give him a black eye.
Since he's been rebuffed for all his hugs, his latest is sneak attack hugs. Which translates to being tackled only not seeing it coming. Fred is the only one he hasn't taken down. And that's saying something.
I still think the only reason he got Nicholas was he was in mid-sneeze, and it wasn't a true tackle, more like a crash into the wall. Thought he was going to kill Jared. Michael and I have both fallen victim to the sneak attack hug. Although Micheal was smart enough to twist and land on Jared. I've noticed he hasn't tried it again. I chewed him a new one that he cried to the point where he had hiccups and said he w-w-was just trying to give me a hug.
And that's the joy of it all. They don't think and then when they get in trouble, THEIR feelings are hurt and act like I'm the big meany. Love my boys, but holy crap I hate this stage. And it's going to be this way for the next year or so.
Kill me now, I beg of you.
Last couple days dude has just been in meltdown mode. One minutes he's being all spastic and I have to tell him to calm down, which he doesn't, and then I have to yell at him for not listening only to have him burst into tears. By the 5th time this happened - before lunch - I was done.
Nicholas and Jared haven't mixed well ever since Nicholas went through puberty. Dude has classic older sibling 'I know everything and you are an idiot' that plays out every.single.flipping.day. Things were better but the last 2 days both of them are pushing each other's buttons. I was so hoping we left all that behind and have moved forward. Clearly I was wrong.
Not happy, Bob.
I'm thinking school needs to kick back in pronto to chill these people out. I got all the school stuff out, just waiting on Fred to come up with the lesson plans and organize it. I find myself in a weird paradox - I like having my guys around. I like the good times we have as a family, the lessons and the laughter. But I so want to be done with the school department.
Almost there. I can do this. Besides we moved to one of the worst public school areas so onward ho!
When N and M were this stage, they were super private about their bodies going through changes. Jared, on the other hand, came running down the steps all happy to announce hair growth in private places and almost dropped his shorts to show off his new fuzz. He was also happy to report that his dude sack is bigger than 2 grapes and that his green bean is starting to look more like a cucumber.
After trying to beat myself to death with a wooden mallet and failing miserably, I decided to look up nearest cliffs to toss myself off of, only to remember Indiana is a really flat state. Before I could stop myself, I blurted out the question of how would he know since he refuses to go anywhere near any of those green things known as fruits and vegetables. He said it was the best visual he could give me without, you know, showing me.
I blacked out after that. Came to just in time to be asked what was for dinner. No way could I serve green beans now.
Dear life - whatever it was that I did to piss you off, I am truly sorry.
There isn't enough chocolate in the world to fix this. I know because I have tried.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Not really. This place still scares the crap out of me. But I'm not in total freak out mode....as much....any more.
We are most definitely in the hood. Not quite ghetto but pretty freaking close. At least when we hear the gun shots they are farther away then around the corner...near the crack house. At least I think it's a crack house. Big dude paces in front of it and random cars stop and go. There are like 15 kids living on the porch. And porch living seems to be a big thing down here. We actually have a nice porch but I'm not ready for that. I caused enough of a commotion when I pulled up the nasty, filthy blinds to clean the windows.
There was still painter's tape on the windows - from like 10 years ago. After I cleaned those nasty, filthy blinds, I started in on scrapping the tape off when it took me a while to notice that people were staring at me. I can only assume that this was a rare site because a dude on his bike was watching me with his mouth hanging open and not paying attention to where he was peddling and crashing into a parked car....setting off the car's alarm....bringing out more neighbors to ask this fool what his problem was, only to have said fool point at me washing windows causing everyone to look.
I am in the Twilight Zone. Or hell. And with all the hot temperatures we endured - pretty sure it's hell.
I had posted on Facebook that we now live 10 minutes from 3 different Wal-Marts and they range from 1) oh my word, 2) oh dear, Lord, and 3) oh hell no!!
I wish I were kidding.
The thing that gets me is that people were all like go to number 3 and all I could think is picturing those same people at that store getting mugged in the bread aisle.
Okay, it's really not THAT bad. This is me and I sometimes I tend to slightly um, expand on things I find funny or traumatic. And some days that happens to be both. But still, I got a giggle picturing how that scenario could have gone down. And then I really started cracking up laughing.
I did mention I am horribly bored, right? And when I get bored my imagination goes way, waaaay beyond staying in the normal frame of thoughts. It's either that or Prozac and I can't swing the pills so imagining people in weird situations is how I'm entertaining myself now days. Better than voodoo dolls. Just saying.
I know a lot of this has been culture shock. Nothing is familiar and that gets to be disorienting. I can't go anywhere and for the first month I had no plans of leaving the house. Ever. I will say it has perked up my prayer life to dear God please deliver us from evil!! And really after the trash bin got stolen and the one night we tried to convince ourselves those were firecrackers and not gunfire we heard, things have settled down.
My dad has been all over me to take the boys for a walk around the block and say hi to the neighbors. This may just prove my point that the man has no concern for my well being as I asked why would he want me to get mugged? He said the boys would protect me which Jared sort of clucked and tried to lay an egg. Yes, that is my mini chicken. Clearly the man has lost some of his marbles after that last heart attack. This big chicken doesn't want to provoke the locals since I'm not sure if the trash bin was just a warning.
Although, I find it completely ironic that the trash bin would be taken since no one around here seems to no how to put their trash in one.
I'm still having a hard time with the amount of trash. We have been driving down the road and people just start chucking trash out the window. The neighborhood is just horrible about trash everywhere. I can't help but wonder why take the bin when most people don't use it. I've caught myself mutter bunch of degenerates on numerous occasions.
But the strange part is people are actually a lot nicer here than in Michigan. Unless you count that one lady who called me a bitch when I told her to stop smoking and then she would have money for gas instead of hitting people up for spare change.
Now that's a story.
As I have mentioned a time or twenty, things are super duper tight with money. Both our folks have had to help us with money to cover groceries so I have my calculator, I have my list, I have made meal plans on the cheap. So my frame of mine is a bit stressed. We come out with our load and this woman hops out of a car way nicer than our van, dressed nicely, wearing more jewelry than I own, and puffing on a cigarette. I watched as she went up to people on her way to the store. She eyed Fred and passed him and made a bee line for me. She gives me this sob story about not having money for gas and doesn't know how she's going to get home. She just took a big ol drag of smoke when it shot out of my mouth if she stopped smoking she would have gas money.
I am convinced some angel had Michael intervene. Dude grabbed my cart and kept pushing thus dragging me along. Because the more I sat there and thought about it, the angrier I got and God only knows what would have come out of my mouth once I had a chance to think something out. It certainly didn't help that she called me a bitch. I stewed over the nerve of that woman for days.
But the whole situation did get me to examine some of my thoughts and attitudes. And I now wonder if I am slightly prejudice. I honestly don't think I am but some of the stuff I've said and thought might prove otherwise and I can't begin to tell you how much I find that embarrassing. It's not fair that I've judged this whole neighborhood based on some of the people. From what I've noticed, once I crawled out behind the blinds and the triple locked doors, is that most of the trash dumping isn't going on by most of the people who live in this area. It's mainly people driving through the area.
Some of the assumptions I've made have been correct, like that lady fishing to see what she could get, but others I've made haven't been 100% fair. And I have to wonder what is my problem. So far, I've come up with I'm a big chicken. I don't want to offend someone or say the wrong thing so I would rather not saying anything. You stay in your area and I'll stay in mine. Not the best attitude but not sure how to change that.
My dad has been super bold lately on asking people if they know that Jesus loves them. He says he feels we are running out of time and people need to settle it in their hearts what they believe because the days are becoming more and more evil. He said it's his observation that most people are just asleep at the wheel, so to speak, about their faith and if they aren't sure of what they believe they may get caught off guard.
Cue creepy twilight zone music.
My mom made an observation that the position of the house is like we're a lighthouse to this area. We're on the corner and we get a lot of light. Plus when the guys get to singing - it really does feel like a light in the darkness.
Besides getting looks like, whitey you are lost, we had gay neighbors that were sort of nice but sort of rude. They never responded anytime I said hi. I feel like I'm looking at all these different social gaps and I have no clue what to do, what is acceptable and what isn't. Truth be told, I just want to cluck like the chicken I am and stay in my nest and tend to my eggs, er, boys.
We've been praying a lot. We get this weird feeling God is up to something but not sure what. So I tossed out that if we're to be a light in this area that God would give me wisdom, and the strength, to go next door and just be nice and say hi, I like your dog and am thankfully he isn't like the other 20 little yappy dogs that can't shut up all.day.long. Honestly, I wasn't even close to doing it but I was at least praying about the possibility of maybe being up for it...sort of....but not really.
Those guys broke up that same week and went their separate ways. I sort of freaked out because the house was broken into after they moved out. My stupid self thought these guys were working on the place to clean it up. Oh they cleaned it alright, cleaned it out of just about anything they could steel. Door was kicked in and we were hope the entire time.
I've been praying for this neighborhood a lot when I'm washing dishes. No dishwasher + these people who like to eat = me doing a lot of dishes. The area still scares me a bit but I know God is keeping us safe. Seems like some of the shifty people are moving out. Guy next door got arrested. I've noticed the crack house is down 10 kids and the big dude isn't there any more. There is a drunk guy that ambles down the middle of the road that does freak me out. But there used to be a pack of them.
I'll try and be nice and not tell you how flipping hilarious it is to watch a bunch of drunk people try to walk and act like they aren't drunk. I will tell you it's rather epic. The drunk 30 yard flip-flop toss should be a new Olympic sport.
We had a couple neighbor ladies from across the street knock on our door just to check us out I think. Fred was home and has always been able to schmooze old ladies. They said they are glad a nice family moved into the area. They said to call the cops about everything though. If we think it's a firecracker, gunshot, or a dying cat, call the cops.
And cue those feelings of wanting to move out of here.
Friday, August 17, 2012
How else can you explain that the day we went to pick up the moving truck the road in front of our house was getting chewed up because of all the construction that was going on? I woke up to hearing the noise and knew - just knew it was just the beginning.
We got the last of the stuff and I walked through my house one last time. Snot-fest of 2012 will be forever remembered especially since I ended up chapping my nose because I had to use paper towels to mop up my face. Fred, being the sensitive man that he isn't, told me to hurry up as we were burning daylight. I'm still deciding if I'm going to let him live.