Monday, August 27, 2012

Is This Normal?

When you talk to yourself repeatedly, have an argument with yourself - even gets rather heated, but you make up with yourself over a bowl of ice cream, and/or have laughed hysterically at some of the random thoughts you have going through your head.

Oh, wait...that's just me Except the ice cream as I can't keep food around here for very long.

I'm concern my boredom levels are reaching to new levels. My random thoughts are getting funnier and more inappropriate.

While sitting in church, I started to have this running commentary going through my head. Now mind you, this isn't new. I've sat through many a boring sermon so to keep myself awake, and entertained, I've answered some of the stupid questions that a pastor will toss out there. All in my head, of course, less the ushers are summoned to kick me out....again.

Hey, it was only once and it wasn't MY fault. The twins were babies and were starting to fuss. Apparently, the bouncers, aka ushers, didn't think I moved fast enough to quiet them down.

While I'm sure some of you are saying so that's where is began, you would be wrong.

I remember getting bored in church as a kid, and dad and I would play games. Like he would have his hand open and I would put my finger in his hand but pull it back before he would close his hand and grabbed it. I failed a lot and then started to snort and giggle when I would slowly move my finger closer to his hand and then about shriek with laughter having him get my finger anyway. My mom would glare at us from across the room as she was sitting in the choir. I usually got yelled at on the way home from church.

As a mom, I totally get that now.

So I had to learn to come up with other ways - quiet ways - to stay awake and try to pay attention. Dad was understanding unless you started to doze off, then your life was now in peril. I think that might have been the reason my brother chose to sit somewhere else than next to dad.

One way to stay awake, alert, and possibly remember what the topic is about really is to answer the questions. I'm pretty sure they fall under rhetorical questions but hey, it's not like anyone can hear my responses.

Preacher: How would you describe the last few years of your life?
Me: Epic turd flush of a life suck. (You're welcome, Kerri.)

Preacher: Would you say it's been difficult?
Me: Yes, especially if you fight against the flow of the toilet.

Preacher: What happened when things didn't go according to plan?
Me: It's rather amazing what one will cling to when trying to keep one's head above water.  Hmm, does that mean one man's poo is another man's life raft?

D'oh! Focus Joanna, you missed his next point.

Preacher: Cling to God!
Me: You better, because after hanging onto that turd, no one else is going to come near you.

Preacher: I'll say it again, cling to God!
Me: Yes! Amen! Because He's the only one that will have anything to do with you while you're floating down the sewer pipe of life.

And that right there, made myself laugh. In church. Because I'm like 12 and have potty humor. Luckily, I was able to cover it quickly by pretending to cough....up a lung.

I know I have issues and all but that was a close call.

We've been church shopping. It's been overwhelming too. We've hit a few mega churches. We've gone back to one simply because they have incredible worship. Incredible. I heard someone say they go on tour a lot because they are that good. The messages, so far, aren't all that impressive but they just got a new pastor so willing to hang in there to see what he's got in store. But it is so huge that we could be there for years and no one would ever know we even existed. Can't say this is the one as it doesn't feel like home, but I can't go on that because nothing has felt like home.

We went to another one about a month ago and all four guys about bolted as soon as the pastor said amen. It might have been a bad sign that the whole congregation looked like they tried out for the one phone commercial - we ALLLLL bundle. I wish I were kidding. The dude in front of us was so into his role of super, happy Christian that I found it hard to believe he was married. To a woman.

Yes, I know I am jaded about people, but I find it a bit nauseating when someone turns around to shake my hand, clutches it with all the warmth of a corpse, and beams about how super, duper awesome it is to be in the house of the Lord.

Nicholas looked at me and went eek. And I started to giggle. Horrible example, I know. I got him back when I said he must be trying out for Barney's replacement and N couldn't contain his laughter.

I really hope I'm not going to hell.

None of the guys liked the worship and I totally agree with them that it was poor song choices, but as far as talent - they beat any church we had been to hands down. And the pastor's message was really good. Lot of meat and potatoes. It was completely scripted, so not sure about that but a good message nonetheless.

So which is more important - worship or message? Because so far, we haven't found one with both.

We've been debating about it back and forth. Jared and I have been saying message is important as you can go home and listen to good worship music. Fred, Nicholas, and Michael totally disagree and said you can find good teachings through books, bible studies, and online but our focus is to worship God while gathered as a body.

I do find it interesting that while weighing pros and cons of mega churches that one of the pros that no one knows you and you don't feel like people pounce on you as soon as you walk through the door, can also be the con that no one knows you and you can walk through the door and no one cares.

Not fun looking around trying to see what fits and where you fit. I've been a fish out of water my whole life so I find I have a lot of apprehension. Toss in I don't trust people anymore and this makes for a lovely cocktail of yeah, don't think so.


Lorraine said...

I think you need to write a book!! No lack of materials and you definitely have a way with words!!

Joanna said...

Fiction or non-fiction?

Kerri said...

Ah, yes, the epic turd flush of a life suck. {sigh} Music to my ears. And you are freaking HILARIOUS!!! I love the conversation part with the pastor...
TOO much.

Joanna said...

Oh come on now, you've heard me go off on weird rants before. ;)