Sunday, September 23, 2012

Crisp Weekend

I am in a sweatshirt!! And jeans! Oh how I've missed jeans!!! Bring on the hairy legs, I mean glad to not have to shave every day. Ahem.

So very happy the 90 degree weather is gone and now 80 degree weather is gone. It's been only mid 60s last couple days. My brain has finally stopped boiling. And now I'm slightly freezing but I'm okay with that.

This post will be random mush so be warned.

My second cousin brought her grammy, who is my aunt, up to see the guys. Actually, she came and got me, had some girl time; somehow my aunt got involved, and then ended up tagging along when she brought me back home. This has been funny because I haven't seen this aunt in years and the first time we pulled this she didn't know I was coming, so to walk in and have her say, "who are you?" had us all in stitches.

She still claims she knew it was me but meant to say what are you doing here - yeah, sure.

Now my aunt, being my mom's sister and all, looks A LOT like my mom. So when she walked through our door Jared was like "well hi grandm.....wait a second." We all started laughing and she asked if she knew who she was and he was like sort of....not really....no. Too funny! He totally snuggled her to pieces too. She wasn't used to that - dude was almost in her lap. She said, well he's a cuddly thing isn't he? We asked why was he so huggy and he said she looked like grandma and her arm was plushy.

Silly kid.

I had to tell my folks about it because it was funny. Might have been a bad plan because now my folks are pressing to have the guys for a few days, one at a time to get them out of the nest. Jared is the only one that is even slightly interested. I haven't asked Fred yet but can imagine his response.

This could cause issues because if my in-laws were to find out that we allowed this, not like that's going to happen, they would be royally ticked off. They've asked to have the kids too and we told them no. Granted they live 6 hours away but mainly we haven't really had good visits anytime we went out.

But on the flip side of that - my dad is bent on preaching at anything that would move. I get what he is saying and yes, he is quoting scripture but it comes across as browbeating. He doesn't ask you, he tells you what you are doing wrong and why you need to repent and do things the way he interprets the bible. That can be a sticky ball of wax.

I'm just going to toss out there that if you want to take that line - you might want to have lived a better life or had been a better example. Sort of hard to take someone seriously when you look at their life and think ya, I'll pass.

I have noticed that both sides want the kids without us around but we've also picked up on them ripping on us and how we parent. Oh yes, this makes me want to sign up for another round of name that dysfunction. Except not.

Sigh - family.

Sort of sad the weekend is almost over. Chemistry was brutal for the guys this week. It was so brutal it about did me in. I wasn't aware that there is a formula to convert joules to Celsius, nor was I aware to what degree I didn't care about this information. I couldn't figure it out so I was no help to them whatsoever. Thankfully, their dad gets science and is able to explain it but sort of stinks when they have a question about a problem and I run screaming out of the room.

I did mention I am no help, right?

Although, Michael did asked that they not do physics next year and the thought of advanced chemistry has me shaking in my boots. Wonder what organic chemistry is about? And why do I have a feeling this could be a bad plan with me being squeamish and all?

Forecast for the upcoming week - upper 60s to low 70s with a slight chance of grading papers, followed up with some baking. Looks like 100% chance of doing laundry to boot. Eh, I'll take it.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Let It Go

While I know I am a fine one to talk, especially since I can beat a topic into the ground like a dead horse, I think I have met my match. And I thought my issues had issues.

I have been asked via email if I miss Michigan. Yes and no. I miss some people - badly. Kerri sends me cards and I about go through a box of Kleenex. There are certain places I miss but there are a lot of people I don't miss and am relieved I will never see again. All in all, no, I don't miss Michigan.

It's rather weird having the mix of the two. Relief and sadness - what odd bedfellows. But this doesn't feel like home. And I miss home.

Right now, we don't know anyone but, honestly, I'm used to that. I don't have to worry about running into people who act like they care but really don't. I do wonder how people are doing, and others I hope karma catches up to them. So nothing new on that front.

I made the mistake of emailing a bunch of people just to say hi. Actually, I blame it on the loneliness because I miss home and was sort of desperate for news. While some people I'm glad I did, there were a few I'm kicking myself over it. You would think I would have learned by now to leave well enough alone. But you would be wrong. The grapevine is alive, well, and a hungry beast. And apparently out for me at the moment.

There is one woman in particular that, for whatever reason, has it out for me. I find it strange because it's not like we really knew each other. I only knew her through someone else. She doesn't know me, hasn't talked to me or had any type of relationship that is beyond surface level. Yet, she has managed to turn a lot of people against me, took stuff way out of content, stirred up all kinds of crap, reads my blog on a regular basis and runs back and tells people her interpretation of what I wrote etc, etc.

You would think at her age, she would get over it. You would also think that since I'm not in the picture, haven't been, nor will I be, that she would just drop it and go on with her life. I guess that is giving her way too much credit on being a decent person.

I don't know if I need these reminders to not put so much emphasis on people because they can, and will, let me down or what. Being a people person, misunderstandings are just brutal on me. While I get misunderstandings happen - what I can't figure out is why people don't sit down, talk out their differences, and move on in peace rather than act nice to some one's face and then tear them to shreds when they aren't in the room.

Yes, I really am the dork that says, "Can't we all just get along?"

Seriously - can't we?

From what I've heard, I guess that is a big N to the O. I didn't do anything to this woman, yet she seems to find ways to bring me back up into topics. She thinks she knows me but she doesn't. I'm weary of the character assignations and I'm tired of the wounds. I've walked away from friends to try and stay out of it but find it frustrating that no matter how far away I pull, someone seems bent to toss the mud my way.

I know to shake it off and move on and most of the time I do. No, seriously I do. I don't know if I'm having a hormone day or what, but today......well today, the barb stuck. Rather than shaking it off, it dug in, the wound gushes open, and the pain I try so hard to press pass is right there. And that frustrates me so. Shouldn't that wound have been a lot more healed up by now? Hasn't there been enough time that it's scarred over no longer to bleed?

Unlike some people, I am honest to a fault. I have no problem putting it out there right or wrong. So let me help put this to rest once and for all so my blog posts aren't more fuel to some one's sad little fire. No, I don't have ill will towards Leigh. There. Ya happy? All the posts I've written about her were out of the hurt and pain of being rejected and completely misunderstood. The hurt turned to anger when it was very clear that she didn't care to fix it. The reality was, and still is, I was never a part of her group and was never going to be and that hurt. I thought I was, but looking back, there were a lot of signs that were crystal clear that I wasn't.

And oh, how I've beaten myself up for not seeing it sooner. I guess I chose not to look at them too closely because I wanted this woman's friendship. Pathetically and desperately wanted for her to like me, which still confuses me as to why. I don't know if the relationship was doomed from the start or if others had their hand in destroying it. I think part of it was my fault for wanting to belong, but part of it was her fault for not being honest.

The sucky part is this is the second time I've gone through something like this. I think it's worse the second time around because the whole been there, done that, got the T-shirt for it aaannnd now I have 2. Dagnabbit.

I wonder what it is that draws me in and takes me for a ride? Again and again. It's not that I put these women on pedestals it's just they didn't want me. At first they did but something changed, then suddenly I'm not welcomed, not wanted, and given a long list of all my faults.

And man how those comments can haunt.

Those painful accusations that can float back up to the surface when you least expect it, wreaking havoc on your soul again like it was just said yesterday.

*shudders*

Now that's a horror story for ya right there.

I was sort of boo-hooing during my prayer time to God about being lonely. All this junk came back to my mind and I had to say, on second thought, I would rather be alone than go through all that junk again. There are a lot of lessons out in the desert that can only be learned in the desert. Jared was studying John the Baptist who lived in the desert and for some strange reason I took a bit of comfort in that. But I am so not going to eat a locust - I don't care what Bear Grylls says. Just saying.

I hope this puts the grapevine to rest and that people can stop speculating about the whole thing and drop it. I'm seriously trying to and I'm sure Leigh doesn't even give me a second thought. I hope this stops some of the junk I've heard and that someone is able to put her spoon down and stop stirring things up. While I doubt it since she's kept things going this long, but one can hope.

Personally, I'm hoping God whoops her with her own spoon, but that's just me.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Wheels On The Bus Go....

Hopefully round and round.

It has been an emotionally charged few days. Back against the wall again and not exactly sure what to do again with very little time to work with again, and totally stressing about how to pay for it again.

Why yes, I am bitter about all those again parts.

Crap-tastic situation with our van. We've gone to a couple dealerships and what we owe on the van plus the damage to it not to mention our credit score equals royal screwage. Lots and lots of screwage.

We were at a dealership Tuesday that was willing to take the van, the debt, and the truck and give us a loan. Trouble with that is it had to be a newer vehicle with under 100,000 miles. I am a practical gal. You can not eat 10 M&Ms when you only have 4. The payments put us way outside our comfort zone. The guy, sensing my hyperventilation, threw the keys at Fred's head and said drive it for a day so the vehicle doesn't sell out from under you while you convince this dame that the situation is rather dicey at best.

Dude. I've been through dicey and this isn't it. But the horrible sense of desperation and seeing no way out sucks.

In this guy's defense, it was a good deal, he pulled some incredible strings, and I don't think we could have gotten a better deal anywhere else. And I really liked this guy and feel bad that we're not able to do this. He was super gracious but reality is, well, reality.

We came home with the shiny new vehicle. It's only a 5 passenger and we thought for sure the guys would say this isn't going to work, because Nicholas is not a touchy person verses Jared has been dubbed The Tick due to him being overly clingy lately. I forgot they've been stuck in the truck so this was a dream compared to the truck. Ruh-roh, Raggie.

I made the comment that I didn't love the vehicle. Michael, ever the practical one, said for that kind of money shouldn't you love it? Why yes, that is the voice of reason. However, the screwage and the lack to fix things left us in quite the pickle. I was praying like crazy because I crunched the numbers, blacked out from the reality of it, came to, saw the numbers and then proceeded to bawl my head off aaaand then pass out.

Drama - I can work it.

My phone started ringing at that moment and it was my FIL. I was relieved he called. I needed some other voice, other than the one in my head, to bounce all this off of. He said not a good idea and that we were digging a bigger hole for ourselves. I said that's what I felt but didn't know what to do. He said that's why he was calling, he could get the money to fix the van.

I may have sobbed - possibly to the point of getting the hiccups - with relief, but that was after we got off the phone. Because I didn't want to frighten my FIL and I have still have issues with people and me crying.

I can't even begin to put into words the relief. We have insurance on the van, so we get it fixed, back up and running, we can get plates on it. All before the end of the month before our current plates expire.

Down to the wire! AGAIN! Dang it.

I'm all over the board emotionally. Part of me wanted a newer vehicle. Part of me wanted to be done with the van AND the truck, but the other part of me liked our van, didn't want a 5 passenger vehicle and certainly not that type of payment, and certainly not over a vehicle I wasn't in love with. But it was shiny and had a sunroof.....but I didn't love it or it's price tag.

Sigh

So tomorrow we got to go run the shiny thing back and pick up Clifford the big, red, work truck and limp him back home. We've had only 1 bite on trying to sell it and looks like Cliff will just have to park it for a while until we can sell him or trade him in at a later time.

But for now, I think it's going to be okay.

Which is what God was trying to tell me alllll daaaay loooooong. Easy for Him to be all calm, cool, and collective - He knew how this day was going to pan out.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Papers, Please?

It's been a busy couple days. We had a car pulled over right near our driveway that had about 5 cop cars blocking traffic. I don't know what was found, but that car search took for-evah. Jared was able to see the whole thing from his bedroom window, which he gave us blow by blow commentary.

And it's not even the weekend yet.

We finally made it back to the bmv today and oh my word, I could spend the rest of the week writing blog posts on that fodder. But I will spare you and mush it all into one post.

It started when they announced that I was already on file with the state. 10 points if you can guess what went through my mind.

I had this moment of panic thinking my mom signed my name to something or we were already flagged as people of suspicion. That usually takes years for them to get caught up. Kidding!

I was about ready to tell them I was really adopted but didn't have any papers to prove it, when I remembered my grandparents had put my name on a car they got for my dad years back. Gosh, that wasn't THAT long ago but at the same time feels like a loooong time ago. Anyhoo, they no longer have that car but I had to sign off on the car as well, thus I was on file.

Luckily for me it wasn't a bad thing.

I guess I should mentally apologize to my mom for the rant I had going on......but since no one else heard it, we'll call it good.

Sorry momma!

There. I feel.....better.....I.....guess.

All that really meant was I got to go take my written test before Fred. The gal made sure we had our separate identification in case I passed the test. In case? She didn't think I would pass?

Great. Now I was nervous.

She went on to explain that she didn't pass her test when she moved from a different state. And you work here? Lovely!

I waved ta-ta to the Fred and settled in to mentally wrestle with this mind bend of a test. I should have let half my brain take a nap. Easy. Although, I only got stumped on a couple questions. Questions like how many feet away should oncoming traffic be before you take your high beams off? 500 feet, 300 feet, 50 feet, or 100 feet?

How far away is feet anyway? Why yes, I did start to get panicky. Was it that obvious?

It didn't help that everyone was finishing a lot faster than me. I didn't notice it until Fred was on the other side of the test area.....and then went on to finish before me. Overachiever strikes again. But I shouldn't have been nervous because I am happy to say, I was the first one to pass the test all morning.

Tap, tap

Did you get that? Alllll morning.

My moment of glory was naturally shot down when they graded Fred's test and he scored better.

I didn't need my glasses to pass the vision test which makes no sense to me, because I wear them all the time. I get headaches if I don't, so you can rest assured, I will be driving with them on.

Although, there were issues with my bangs. Apparently, your eyebrows have to be showing and my eyebrows were either shy or the bangs wanted all the attention today. Both are possible. By the 5th time we had to redo the picture, I wasn't smiling. And you're not allowed to show any teeth. Granted, most of the people there were missing some, but a toothy grin was a no, no. If I was showing teeth, it was because I was growling. Or maybe that was my stomach that was growling. It's all a blur - from all the bright lights flashing.

Did I ever mention I really hate my picture being taken? I have no idea why but when I'm smiling for the camera all I can think is "I look like a dork". Then when I see the picture, that thought is totally confirmed.

Fred said I looked either grumpy or tired. I thought a bit of both.

But got all that squared away and I waited for Fred to go through all his process. While I sat there waiting, I started to notice how many people were failing the test. One guy had sat down in front of me while I was in the middle of the test, finished before I did, and was out the door with an epic fail. He came back in again, took the test again, and failed it again. Part of me wanted to ask if he even read the thing.

The questions weren't that hard but some of the answers were hilarious. There were 45 questions with multiple choice answers. I think whoever wrote it was either high or wanted to get back at people. It was all I could do not to laugh....during a test. Because I'm mature like that.

If a blind man is in the crosswalk you should: a) come to a stop and wait until he's crossed, b) honk and wave him through c) slow down and honk d) drive around him

Wave him through? Wave the blind man through? I'm sure he'll be so appreciative of your kind gesture IF HE COULD SEE YOU! That is unless you decided to mow him down while you were honking the horn.

I heard a guy tell his friend that he answered the question if you're in a wreck you should - c) hurry up and leave before the cops get there. I was able to cover my laughter by choking on my own spit. Thankfully, they didn't notice my sudden need for oxygen because the friend was too busy bragging that he wasn't falling for that trick question and instead just told the man what he wanted to hear rather than confess to what he would do.


And we have people like this out there driving vehicles. That is until both of them failed their tests.  Then I listened to them argue who was right and which question did they miss. I felt so bad for the gal who was waiting on them. She had this expression on her face that clearly said, 'I don't get paid enough to put up with this crap'.

Fred was all done and we headed out the door. We got in the truck and I demanded to see his picture. We've had this on going laugh that he doesn't look very nice in his pictures. He's a nice guy but you would never know this from his photo identification. True to form, dude manages to look totally pissed off. But this is an improvement - he's gone from looking like a terrorists, to looking like a thug, to now just looking mad. So mad is good.

I will now have to work on not thinking I look like a dork so I will have normal looking photos because those thoughts seem to show up in facial expression. You know, that might explain some of the issues people have with me.

But dork face and angry face are now legal. Now all we need is a new set of wheels before the end of the month because that's how long our plates are good for. No pressure.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Yet Another Tale of Woe

How much crap is one person supposed to take anyway? Because I'm pretty sure I am waaay past the limit.

So....in-laws made the trek out. It takes them just as long as it did to Michigan. Something that they are not happy about. Maybe we should have moved to Fort Wayne? It's got to be better than this ghetto.

Anyhoo, the van - it is beyond verklempted. And by that I mean the head gasket is blown. FIL did his mechanical magic all to no avail. So Fred called a few garages and it's going to cost $1600.

Really, life? Really?  That's how this is going to go down? Son of a nut-bolt! Because we don't have it. Not even close.

Part of me can't help but feel there is some reason for all of this. We tried to go to the BMV, or whatever they have here, to get our driver's license and possibly plates, but Fred forgot our marriage license and we need to have the vehicle we're transferring the plates with us.

Yeah, the van isn't going anywhere. And I threatened to go back to my maiden name because I was so steamed at dude. Then I remembered my mom is busy ticking off another government branch and decided not to go down that road.

Luckily for him.

Speaking of that, I got a few emails asking why I didn't write some lovey-dovey post for our anniversary. Long story short - I wasn't feeling it that particular day so thought silence was the better choice. More on that later.

So now I don't know what we're going to do. So far, wailing, weeping, and gnashing of one's teeth hasn't solved anything. Well duh! Learned that one many years ago. Yet, here I am in another, 'are you kidding me' moment.

This also means we're stuck riding in the truck. I feel so bad for the guys. Nicholas' legs are smashed so every bump and his knees are gouging into the back of the bench seat. And what luck!! It's time to grocery shop! In the truck! With no cap!!! Yay!

I can't even get all snarky about it because food seems to be a big deal to these guys, so they take their food very seriously. Loading of the carts has turned into a sport. Especially when I'm feeling crazy and/or hormonal that particular day.

I dare you to say something about that. Double dog dare.

So as if this tale of woe wasn't sad enough as it was - turns out while FIL and Fred were working on the van, they had to leave the backdoor open a crack to run electrical cord. We locked up, went out to eat, and came back home. While I was out in the kitchen I suddenly noticed a lot of mice turds all over the counter top and stove. Odd. Especially since we haven't had any mouse issues up to this point.

I was still cleaning up the mess when my MIL saw a mouse run across the floor in the living room. She is terrified of mice. And this seems to happen to her every time she visits. Mice just love to jump out and say howdy anytime she visits.

I'm sort of amazed she ever visits. Although, she said she is now praying my boys will grow up and move to PA. You should be proud of me that I managed not to say a word of rebuke, but rather just gave my boys a look and raised an eyebrow. All of them said that ain't gonna happen. Good boys!


Fred shot back that we could have moved farther away and she could learn to take a plane ride if that's the case. I left that room faster than you can say free chocolate! Because me-yow! I am not getting into that fight. But it does bother me that my MIL would pray my boys would move far away from us only to be closer to her.

Putting the fun in dysfunctional for generations.

Back to the mice - I say mice because the amount of mice turds was too many for 1 mouse. So we pulled out the mice traps, loaded them with peanut butter, and 2 have paid the penalty of death for trespassing. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Especially with all the issues we've had with critters.

I am really tired of all this junk.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Shh

Right now I'm trying to type quietly. Michael is taking a chemistry quiz and I am a skert his brain is starting to cook. Of course, I looked over his shoulder saw the problem and I bolted out of the room in case he asked me a question.

Tell me again, why am I homeschooling?

This momma is super happy she has the answer book and doesn't have to know this information. Because zoinks! I never did chemistry.  I'm not a science person. I blame it all on biology. Do you know how hard it is to study biology when it's making you physically sick? I passed out when my period was explained to me. Needless to say, we scratch off pretty much anything to do with science on the "Things I might want to do" list.

Come to think of it, I don't remember having a good list. I may have just colored the paper without really coming up with anything.

Suddenly my life and all it's lack of ambition makes sense now.

Might as well cross off motivation speaker, er, writer from the list while we're going for it. Actually, I take that back. I can motivate and encourage really well just not in mass form. I have to be one on one to get a good vibe from someone. I didn't want to say read because that just sounds creepy.

And now I lost my train of thought. I was trying to make a point and oooo shiny! And I like TV. TV? Hey Bones is coming back soon. I like that show except I get really grossed out and still have to hide behind the pillow. Thankfully the guys aren't all that bothered by blood, or even the sight of blood. Gag! Blood - oh yeah - guys, schoolwork, science. Back on track. 

Ahem

But proud of dude, because he is slugging it out and understands it. Nicholas just finished his health assignment and is doing the chemistry practice test. Jared got all his work done by 10:30. The older boys are slightly hating him right now. I just said, "his time will come" and the evil looking grins were funny. Jared isn't going to get an ounce of sympathy. But then again, his brothers have never given him any to begin with so he should be used to it.

Van is not fixed. In-laws are on the way out so FIL can fix van. I think Fred might have cried with relief but he said it was a sigh. Yeah, okay, whatever. Pretty wet looking sigh there.

But now I'm in a panic because I don't have extra food planned for in-law visit and I have no way of getting any extra stuff. I hate that - always feel like I just failed some Suzie happy homemaker 101 on how to be a good housewife. "Always be prepared for uninvited guests" - I won't be cross-stitching this on a pillow anytime soon. It doesn't help that they don't like anything I cook.

I just end up feeling bad and inadequate. However, I am pretty much used to this feeling, so I just try to ignore it and move on.

I did get to chuckling. Fred had prayed the other night that God would send a mechanical angel and Jared said wouldn't it be funny if God sends Pap? Sure would be because that is exactly what God did. Should I say be careful what you pray for or just be glad the van will get fixed? I think I'll go with being glad the van is getting fixed.

Now I need to go finish cleaning, freak out because I got too much other stuff to do, come up with a dessert because dinner isn't going to be all that filling, go hide in a corner and help the guys finish their school. A+ all around because my brain is mush.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Ermagerd!

I think that's supposed to be omg only said really strange like. You know you just tried saying it again.

I should just crawl off to bed and be thankful the day is over. Yet....here I am...sitting at the computer desk....unable to crawl away.

Can't say anything overly exciting happened over the weekend. Hubby dear didn't believe me that the BMV or DMV whatever they have in this state, would be closed Saturday. Was dragged from bed, had to get purtified (make real pretty) if I was to get a new driver's license and out the door we went. And there was no gasp of surprise to see the place was closed.

I'm told smug doesn't look very well on me.

I said someone tends to choke on the humble part. He said bite me. Me, being me, took that as a challenge and bit him on the arm. Cuz that's how I roll!

We decided since we were up, dressed, out of the house, and away from the spawn, to go run a few errands. Dude needed some new shoes in the worst way so we were able to find a pair and they were on sale. Oh happy day! So getting those plates and license was supposed to happen Tuesday night as they were open later.

But we discovered the van was starting to run rough. And today the van overheated while Fred was on the way to work. He had to park it first place he could find, which he got a ticket for it. He got to put those new shoes to work and walked the rest of the way to work. However, someone noticed the pharmacy patch on his jacket and stopped to give him a ride.

Michigan people never would have done that. Just saying.

One of the pharmacist took him to a gas station to get coolant and drove him to the parking garage. Made sure the van would start before she left.

Proof that if you can get out of the ghetto, people are super nice down here.

Dude came through the door more than frazzled. He gave it a once over, called his dad, the mechanical wizard and I blanked out at the rest. Thermostat went bad. That's problem number 1. We're hoping that's the only problem.

But getting all legal like was put on hold.

So dude is driving his truck tomorrow. And I am lifting up holy hands, thanking God that those plates are still legal for the rest of this month. Luckily for him, he's working at one of the clinics rather than the hospital because there is no way that beast would make it into the parking garage.

So that was his crappy day. This was on the heals of finding a huge leak in the basement when it rains - like when it did all weekend long. Lake Erie took a while to shop vac up. And the property manager is no longer the manager or something or another. We have no one to call regarding stuff. We found this out when we called to say, "yo! come fix the water fall that is going on in the basement."

All we got was someone will be in touch.

I can't even make this crap up.

Eh, whatevs.

Monday we played boardgames with the guys. Hung out and made all kinds of hilarity. I'm almost sad we don't film this stuff because it is pure awesome. My stomach muscles are still sore from all the laughing. Epic!

Today was back at it with school work while Fred had his crappy day. Tomorrow holds a lot of laundry as the guys seem to wait until they are wearing the last stitch of clothes to inform me about their crisis in clothing. They didn't find it funny when I said their crisis was not my crisis.

There are days when I think I'm the only normal, sane one around here. After I stop laughing hysterically, I go on with my crazy ways. I'll make it up to them - I'll make cookies. Makes up for all the emotional scarring I'm accused of causing.