Saturday, September 22, 2012

Let It Go

While I know I am a fine one to talk, especially since I can beat a topic into the ground like a dead horse, I think I have met my match. And I thought my issues had issues.

I have been asked via email if I miss Michigan. Yes and no. I miss some people - badly. Kerri sends me cards and I about go through a box of Kleenex. There are certain places I miss but there are a lot of people I don't miss and am relieved I will never see again. All in all, no, I don't miss Michigan.

It's rather weird having the mix of the two. Relief and sadness - what odd bedfellows. But this doesn't feel like home. And I miss home.

Right now, we don't know anyone but, honestly, I'm used to that. I don't have to worry about running into people who act like they care but really don't. I do wonder how people are doing, and others I hope karma catches up to them. So nothing new on that front.

I made the mistake of emailing a bunch of people just to say hi. Actually, I blame it on the loneliness because I miss home and was sort of desperate for news. While some people I'm glad I did, there were a few I'm kicking myself over it. You would think I would have learned by now to leave well enough alone. But you would be wrong. The grapevine is alive, well, and a hungry beast. And apparently out for me at the moment.

There is one woman in particular that, for whatever reason, has it out for me. I find it strange because it's not like we really knew each other. I only knew her through someone else. She doesn't know me, hasn't talked to me or had any type of relationship that is beyond surface level. Yet, she has managed to turn a lot of people against me, took stuff way out of content, stirred up all kinds of crap, reads my blog on a regular basis and runs back and tells people her interpretation of what I wrote etc, etc.

You would think at her age, she would get over it. You would also think that since I'm not in the picture, haven't been, nor will I be, that she would just drop it and go on with her life. I guess that is giving her way too much credit on being a decent person.

I don't know if I need these reminders to not put so much emphasis on people because they can, and will, let me down or what. Being a people person, misunderstandings are just brutal on me. While I get misunderstandings happen - what I can't figure out is why people don't sit down, talk out their differences, and move on in peace rather than act nice to some one's face and then tear them to shreds when they aren't in the room.

Yes, I really am the dork that says, "Can't we all just get along?"

Seriously - can't we?

From what I've heard, I guess that is a big N to the O. I didn't do anything to this woman, yet she seems to find ways to bring me back up into topics. She thinks she knows me but she doesn't. I'm weary of the character assignations and I'm tired of the wounds. I've walked away from friends to try and stay out of it but find it frustrating that no matter how far away I pull, someone seems bent to toss the mud my way.

I know to shake it off and move on and most of the time I do. No, seriously I do. I don't know if I'm having a hormone day or what, but today......well today, the barb stuck. Rather than shaking it off, it dug in, the wound gushes open, and the pain I try so hard to press pass is right there. And that frustrates me so. Shouldn't that wound have been a lot more healed up by now? Hasn't there been enough time that it's scarred over no longer to bleed?

Unlike some people, I am honest to a fault. I have no problem putting it out there right or wrong. So let me help put this to rest once and for all so my blog posts aren't more fuel to some one's sad little fire. No, I don't have ill will towards Leigh. There. Ya happy? All the posts I've written about her were out of the hurt and pain of being rejected and completely misunderstood. The hurt turned to anger when it was very clear that she didn't care to fix it. The reality was, and still is, I was never a part of her group and was never going to be and that hurt. I thought I was, but looking back, there were a lot of signs that were crystal clear that I wasn't.

And oh, how I've beaten myself up for not seeing it sooner. I guess I chose not to look at them too closely because I wanted this woman's friendship. Pathetically and desperately wanted for her to like me, which still confuses me as to why. I don't know if the relationship was doomed from the start or if others had their hand in destroying it. I think part of it was my fault for wanting to belong, but part of it was her fault for not being honest.

The sucky part is this is the second time I've gone through something like this. I think it's worse the second time around because the whole been there, done that, got the T-shirt for it aaannnd now I have 2. Dagnabbit.

I wonder what it is that draws me in and takes me for a ride? Again and again. It's not that I put these women on pedestals it's just they didn't want me. At first they did but something changed, then suddenly I'm not welcomed, not wanted, and given a long list of all my faults.

And man how those comments can haunt.

Those painful accusations that can float back up to the surface when you least expect it, wreaking havoc on your soul again like it was just said yesterday.


Now that's a horror story for ya right there.

I was sort of boo-hooing during my prayer time to God about being lonely. All this junk came back to my mind and I had to say, on second thought, I would rather be alone than go through all that junk again. There are a lot of lessons out in the desert that can only be learned in the desert. Jared was studying John the Baptist who lived in the desert and for some strange reason I took a bit of comfort in that. But I am so not going to eat a locust - I don't care what Bear Grylls says. Just saying.

I hope this puts the grapevine to rest and that people can stop speculating about the whole thing and drop it. I'm seriously trying to and I'm sure Leigh doesn't even give me a second thought. I hope this stops some of the junk I've heard and that someone is able to put her spoon down and stop stirring things up. While I doubt it since she's kept things going this long, but one can hope.

Personally, I'm hoping God whoops her with her own spoon, but that's just me.