Friday, October 12, 2012

You Can't Make This Crap Up

When we last left our heroine, she thought that sunny days were ahead. Granted, she thought that while shivering under a pile of blankets but thought surely this was just a slight hiccup. She tried in vain not to listen to the loud voices that started to list off all the crap that has gone down in the last few months.

Our heroine mustered up all of her might to try and think positively when suddenly she had a brain cramp from the weird mental strain. About that time, in walks evil reality only to tap her on her shoulder and said, "howdy-do" and proceeded to roll right over the plans.

Gruesome, isn't it?

The plan was we were supposed to pick up the van Tuesday night and then a trip to the BMV to get all legal like and then head to stuffmart to load up the carts. Too bad those plans were set ablaze, as in didn't happen. The garage didn't leave the van out so we couldn't get it, which means the BMV was out because not only was that the only night they are open late, but you have to have your vehicle with you to turn in your old plates (that are now expired). This meant we got to go grocery shopping in the truck again.

Whee. Said no one ever.

Not even the bags were happy about this because it has turned rather cold.

But the good news is the furnace is now working. Fred did something and now it's working. So that was a huge happy dance we did.

Then Fred came and snagged me on his lunch break and we got the van back so there was more singing and dancing. Until I discovered that my key fob isn't working, the power door isn't working, and neither is the dome lights.

Really? That's how this is going to play out?

Fred said a fuse is short circuiting - he knows what fuse it is but when he plugged in a new one it sparked, burning itself out. We had this same issue when we first got the van but a new fuse fixed it so sort of surprised that same fix isn't fixing it.

We seem to be in this really weird limbo of one crisis erupts only to get almost solved but another one pops up. First crisis gets even closer to being solved with a third crisis bubbling, second one gets solved only for the third to erupt etc. It's been a bit exhausting. And this has been going on non-stop for months.

2012? We are so celebrating your end with whiskey.

Not really - I can't handle the stuff. But a big birdie will be given in its honor. And this time, I'm using the middle finger. No church pinkie for me thank you very much!!

Since we can't go to the BMV until Saturday now, I got to have the van for the day. Oh the happy! I've missed my mom-mobile. The guys about plowed me over to get out of the house and into the van so we went and ran a few errands. We were so excited to be out of the house during daylight hours that we were cracking each other up. Totally screams losers but we were laughing. Granted, it's because we were making fun of other people but a jovial time was had by us. And all the people who were eavesdropping on our conversation.

I think I may be a bad example.

We were stuck in line at Wal-Mart. And not just any Wal-Mart but the hell no! Wal-Mart. Another one of those weird crazy odd things happened where somehow my glasses got mushed and mangled so we were forced to go to the hell no WM because they were closer and I had already been to that one when a nose piece snapped off my glasses a few months ago. Staff seemed nice so went back and their eye center is awesome and back in business. Then I had to buy something at the hell no WM and that's when the fun began.

It is super-duper crowded. Beyond anything I have ever seen type of crowded. Good luck getting your cart through anything type of crowded. Managed to grab what we needed and not lose any of my children and almost raced a little old lady to get into the "speedy checkout" lane. They should be sued for the wrongful use of the term "speedy" - just saying.

She won, btw. Her scooter had turbo boosters.

Then we proceeded to stand in line for a looooooong time. And then it started - someone in another lane said something that got us thinking about something else and before you know it we're making jokes about it. Guy in front of me and next to me were in stitches. Personally, I think both of them hadn't heard a funny thing in years because we weren't THAT funny.

Then dude next to me started hitting on me which got ME laughing. Michael looks at me and says in his deep voice, "is this guy bothering yous?" to which Nicholas jumps in "because I can hit him with the cart". Before I can say anything the guy says I have very protective brothers. Jared about screams "that's my MOM, dude!" causing several heads to turn in our direction.

I'm laughing because my posse is ready to take junior down. He smiles sheepishly and goes and stands in another lane. The guy in front of us - hearing all of this - is about ready to wet himself he's laughing so hard. He said we totally made his day. I'm not sure if I should be proud or enroll us into some form of therapy.

We move to another state and still the craziness of WM haunts me. But at least there wasn't any screaming children so that's a bonus. Of Stuffmart - you still suck even though you had me at low prices.