Friday, December 7, 2012

Toss Your Head Back And Laugh

You know you need to. It's been a bit crazy here. I'm so over the school year - and it's only December. It was a hard week keeping everyone on track. Right now I'm just praying that the chemistry test will get done before dinner time. And that's all I have to say about that.

Stupid chemistry.

So as I'm battling the eye twitching, I finally have enough decent jokes I can pass along. I know, I haven't done this in a long time but honestly, I had some slim pickings. Sit back, laugh, and remember to take a deep breath and be thankful you're not taking or giving a chemistry test. Unless you're a chemistry teacher......then I feel sorry for you.

A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.
He's making land minds that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.
He says prophets are going through the roof.

Farm kids in Minnesota: 

You can never underestimate the innovativeness of American Farm Boys:
At a high school in Minnesota, a group of male students played a prank.
They let three goats loose inside the school.
But before turning them loose, they painted the numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2, and 4.
School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.

Funny sayings:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men:
    The ones that learn by reading.
    The few who learn by observation.
    The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.  The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

2nd Affair:  
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'


3rd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

4th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'


The Clerk at Cabela's

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.รก She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. 
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses.
She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. 
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb. test line. It's a good
all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

 As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. 

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally expels gas. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Well, ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
She paid it and left without saying a word!!

Hope you had your chuckle for the day!