Monday, February 25, 2013

Martha, Martha, Martha!

Admit it - you read that Marsha, Marsha, Marsha! And if you have no idea who that is then kindly just step away - quietly.

I have tried to write like 20 posts and I've ended up deleting them all. I don't know if it's hormones, circumstances, spiritual warfare or the combination of all the above because OH MY WORD!! Where is the pause button?!? Where is the medic? And someone better get me some chocolate!!

I have just been a hot mess the last couple weeks. Stuff going on that I'm not ready to post about, killer man cramps that would knock any dude on the floor, and I'm trying to plan school stuff for next year which just happens to be my twins' senior year. *pause while I sob uncontrollably* I'm hit with so much panic - did I do enough?!? Did I prepare them, or did I screw them up?

They are far from screwed up. I'm just not sure how prepared they are because I'm not sure what they are going to face.

I think every parent feels that way about everything regarding kids. Lately, all the guys have been posting on Facebook stuff that they are getting in their personal time of prayer or stuff that's just running through their heads. And it is deep and profound that makes me sit there gazing at the screen, wondering who are these mighty men of valor because d-a-n-g!

I've been worried these last few years of nothing but Lazarus moments was going to effect - affect? I can never remember - anyhoo I thought it was going to warp them. I mean, look at what a great teacher I is. Ahem!

Instead, they are all sounding a lot stronger than I am. Which is good but at the same time I have to wonder what is my problem? I have truly gone from being dead Lazarus to being worry-wart Martha! I'm not even sure when the transition happened.

And the sad thing is I can't seem to stop from worrying. It's not just one situation - it's all of them! The other day I was just completely worn out from worrying - made myself physically sick and I don't have one answer to any of the stuff I'm freaking out over.

The reality is another handful of trials showed up, more impossible odds, better attitude, unsure outcome, all kinds of wild emotions, but there are moments of peace. And that is saying something after experiencing years of nothing but a stuffy, smelly gravesite. But there are still feelings of utter failure that just doesn't want to shake off.

And I find in those hard moments questioning: God, are you still there? While I KNOW He is, there is no evidence that He's doing anything regarding the circumstances. And I really, really need for Him to get off His royal throne and do something about some issues! Wave after wave of circumstances beyond our control and our ability to fix it has just pounded us.

After years of living with all males, there are days when I'm totally in Sparta moment - all bring it! We got the victory!! AAAHHHH!!  But then there are other days that I am beyond the big chicken that I normally am, I don't have any hope left, all my confidence of rescue is gone, and all the facts point in the direction that someone is having a chicken dinner because I've just been poked with a fork and called done!

Gruesome, isn't it?

I seriously do not understand all the things we've gone through. I don't understand why we've had beyond weird circumstances. I've been face first in the Psalms praying none stop - well, after I've taken a break from whining -  How long, O Lord, will You ignore my cries for help? How long, O Lord, will others point their fingers at us and and say we aren't one of Yours?

I have said TNT has nothing on my drama.

And this is the edited version of all this. I had a true-to-me post listing all the details and the reasons behind it but I pretty much sound like a cheetah on crack.

I've been told it's worse in person but whatever.

I cracked open my bible study and it was on the story of Tamar. Not gonna lie -  her story is one that gives me the willies. Because eww, just eww. Her husband dies because God said he was evil, she has to marry her brother-in-law (eww) and dude tries the whole pull-out method and God said it was evil and killed him off. Tamar was sent back home to wait for her other brother-in-law (eww) to be of age (extra eww) but when that time came and passed she took matters into her own hands. When you read what all she did and that she got pregnant by her FIL (extra, extra eww!) - that took A LOT of planning!

When it became apparent she was with child everyone, including her FIL, demanded that she was put to death but she pulled out the identifying pieces of who the father was and it also exposed Judah's betrayal to her according to Leviticus law.

I've always blown off her story because....eww. But it hit me differently this time around. She didn't do anything wrong. According to Leviticus law they weren't supposed to marry Gentiles. Judah's wife was a Gentile and he arranged for his son to marry a Gentile - Tamar. But then Judah didn't want to follow the law regarding his last son but then when Tamar was pregnant - he was first to demand that the law be carried out and kill her off. Until she pulled out the trump card that it was him who fathered the child.

Well smack! J.R. Ewing would be proud of that one.

Even though there were some shady things that went down - God still redeemed her and her boys were in the linage of Christ.

What has this got to do with me freaking out? Who knows! Kidding, sort of.

It sort of feels like we're in labor. The pain hits, all I can think is please make it stop!! And where are my pain meds?!? But just like labor, I know I have no choice but to go through it. Fred said but that means new life is on the way, which me, being so me, piped up with yeah, someone else to whine and complain, take care of and get no sleep!

Hey, I already took the Mother of The Year Award, so I have no further goals of repeated victory. Besides I'm closer to the finish line and feel it's overrated.

I feel like we've gone through crap through no fault of our own, we stayed the course with our boys, and I look at all the times I've poured into them everything I am, I can take a deep breath and know that's all good and I've done all right. No, things have not gone perfect - far from it. We've known loss that other's haven't, we've experienced hardship to a degree that other's haven't, nor have they understood the pain involved in that. But I think we can all relate to having gone through hardships, loss, and pain but still trudging on with no evidence that we are going in the right direction.

And coming from someone who can't find her way out of a wet paper bag? That's been hard and also some of the cause for a lot of freaking out.

Redemption is a pretty inclusive word - to buy or get back; recover; to ransom; to deliver from sin; to fulfill (a promise); to make amends or atone for; to restore to favor.

I am waiting for God to do some serious redemption in my life. Because I am tired of feeling like Jan, watching all the good things happening to Martha, I mean Marsha while she wonders when is it her turn.