Thursday, March 7, 2013

My Life Is Trying To Kill Me

It's terrible! But I have had so much anxiety and stress that I was ready to punch myself in the face just to get some sleep!

Peeps - it has been day of hell 1 AND 2 all over again. The plus side is not having to drive 4 hours. Finding houses to rent is a bit tricky. The guys have all loved having their own rooms. I have loved them having their own rooms so when someone is on my nerves, they have a place to scram to and not cause more angst. Goodness knows that when one is banished from mom's presence that the only cure-all is to annoy the crap out of the siblings. Brings out the evil momma that I keep locked up with a bag of cookies up front and center real quick.

Toss in the fact that it takes a small fortune to feed these guys and we're left with a limping budget. So that scaled down the search, but this time we dragged the guys along with us just so they could understand how hard this really is to do.


But we've had some laughable moments not to mention tears, mostly on my end, and a perseverance to pull together that hasn't always been there. Either that or I grew more backbones and command a tight ship - not entirely sure which one it is.

We just found out today that we did get approved for a house so hooray! we won't be homeless. Now comes reality thundering in on the party. It is only a 3 bedroom and is a lot smaller than this place. However, the downstairs is sort of a family room that will be our bedroom slash computer room, slash whatever else we can cram down there. That chilled everyone out because the rooms are too small to fit more than 1 person in it. I'm not thrilled with it, but it has a dishwasher, so I told myself to shut the hell up and roll with it.

Told ya I was commanding a tight ship.

On top of that, it has central air conditioning. I was just thinking about summer and had this total dread hit me at how horrible it was to only have air every other night. I whined all over Facebook about how miserable we were in the 100+ degree heat and we only had window units that we could only use 2 at a time. So I'm seeing some perks here.

But a pipe burst and the downstairs ceiling has fallen off. O-f-f - off. There are a few other things that need to be done and long story short we're not sure if we'll be able to move in by Saturday, which is the court order date for us to vacate the property.

Oh happy day! Said no one ever.

You could almost hear the panic induce ulcer going full speed ahead. Sadly, this is not the first time I've had this where I've been under so much stress that my stomach clenches up and I'm in physical pain. However, I seem to develop a tremendous amount of nervous energy that I'm suddenly able to accomplish a lot of things in a short amount of time. Which is good because, as luck would have it, all 4 guys came down with fever, chills, and congestion Sunday.

I have been slightly amazed at us because when we went to court last week, Fred came home and had the place almost completely packed before the weekend. Then I've sort of taken over and done 20 loads of laundry in 2 days, primed the bathroom to try and cover up when the plumbers made a huge mess, and got several other things all done.

My mom actually had a good idea to get a storage unit for just a month to put stuff in we don't need right away and so that we aren't trying to move everything in one day. Guys all had to acknowledge that was rather smart. Plus we can get things squared away and then bring in stuff at our leisure rather than everything having to get done by Saturday.

I think we might be able to load stuff into the garage as well. But the problem I'm worried about is where to park our butts and how to feed us in the mean time. I contacted my adopted sister/cousin and we might end up at her place for a couple days if need be. Dear Lord, the blog fodder from that should be epic. Last time she spent the night we all were on our own devices and ended up having an epic Facebook movie quote. Because we are so cool like that.

We still haven't made Clifford the big red work truck legal yet. Sort of need an address to have plates mailed to and not being here makes that a problem. After trying to sell it and failing, I've noticed it keeps saving our butts I'm starting to have second thoughts. That is until we couldn't get it started tonight, which is making me rethink those second thoughts.

I feel bad for the guys because I can tell they are all feeling miserable. The worst is Fred because dude has never been sick beyond 3 days and he has come home from work and only able to sit and close his eyes. So not like him! Once the ibuprofen kicks in, he's good to go.

Something I've noticed about me is I seem to take a lot of comfort in the familiar and while I've said that before it still surprises me. I was just sort of getting used to things and now faced with new change and a different area to shop, I'm all in the throws of I don't want to leave. Wasn't I just whining about getting out of the hood and prayers for deliverance?!? I'm pretty sure that I did and now we are getting out of the hood (yay!) I'm freaking out about different and whining about why couldn't we stay? I new I had issues and all, but good grief!

My dad insisted that we call the church we've been going to. They aren't able to come down and help us move as they are tied up with my grandma. When I asked why he said it would give them a chance to be our brothers and sisters in Christ, which I did get a strong rebuke after the loud snort I let out. He also said it's not their fault that the churches we've been at have only had fake, phony people who weren't there for us.

Point taken.

So I called and long story short, nothing they can do to help us and now our sad tale of woe has been spread all over the church. Now I'm considering going back to the cold, stand-offish church because I don't know how to handle that. Part of me knows I'm not being fair or rational, but my experience has been when people know you are struggling, they sharpen their pitchforks and light the torches. But I will say that the lady I've talked to has been very sweet, very concern for us, and I've appreciated her sympathy. They might have some people come help us move but how weird is that? Hi, I'm Joanna. I know we just met and all but could you pick up that couch because it's too heavy for me to lift?

Me thinks not.

The issues are not happy with this. But with Fred being so sick I think is part of the reason I called. Dude manhandled the love seat all by himself! The frig gave him the biggest fits as it's a hog and if he's not at a 100% we're toast.

I'm sad that I've written this super long post to just now get around to saying that through all of this God is faithful! Did He fix things? No. Did He make them go away? No. Did He open up doors? No - they've been barely pried open. But through all this stress and anxiety, pain and confusion, there has been snippets of God telling me it's going to be okay. I've railed and whined at Him and not once did I feel Him pull away from me. I don't understand this! And my brain can't figure out how any of this is for our good or will bring Him glory in any way, shape, or form. But if I've learned nothing else of all the junk we've gone through is He hasn't left me, He's not mad at me or against me and He really does quiet all my fears. Doesn't make them go away but does quiet me down, even to the point where my stomach can unclench.

And after a whole day of not being able to calm myself down to finally be able to breathe is just wonderful!


Lorraine said...

Thank you for that last paragraph! Reading of your life is wrenching, to say nothing of living it. You give a powerful testimony when you say you know God is still there...