Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Mother, May I?

This last weekend - which sounds so far away rather than just two days ago - I was around my mother. My motha. I know, right? We'll just give this as a testimony to God's ability to pin me to the mat, deal with some issues, and move on. Because how else can you explain this?

I get an email from my dad who all but begging me to come up and babysit my mom. Dude is still selling BBQ sauce and again, I can't link to it because I really don't want anyone to link back to this blog and put two and two together, because funny thing about that? It always equals four.

Like, every time.

I guess he overbooked himself and mom was going to be by herself, selling BBQ sauce, in 90 degree heat. I just re-read that sentence and I cracked up laughing all over again. I told you people, my life is stranger than fiction. How can I even say this with a straight face? Oh, that's right. I'm not. I'm laughing.

Long story short, there was some pleading/begging. Last time my mom was out in 90 degree weather, she had a seizure which was on the heels of her having a stroke. Naturally, dad was a bit worried about leaving her by herself.

When I received this email, I looked over at my people and knew - KNEW I was out of luck. I casually tossed out this information and sure as day, a lot of 'sucks to be her' and 'good luck with that' comments was tossed right back. I didn't want to do this. I could think of 20 other things I would rather do and washing out the garbage pail ranked higher.

There I was, dangling between not wanting to and feeling this sort of odd sense of ought, when Jared, sweet Jared, piped up that he would come with me. He thought it was fun selling sauce and, no offense to me, I didn't know how it was to be done. I left off that I had to pedal my own pond water at his age thanks to all the school fund raisers, but didn't want to rock the boat and took his gracious offer.

Saturday morning arrived and out the door the two of us went. I was rather impressed on how we hustled to get there until I realized that Indiana is a bit more laid back about the speed limit. It seems to be a slight suggestion, but don't go all crazy like barreling down the road, which is night and day different from Michigan that would pull you over if they even thought you were thinking about going over the speed limit. I was over but was getting passed by semi trucks and handicap plated vehicles when I decided to just forget the cruise control and go with the flow of traffic.

Worked out fine but noticed that on the way back the flow was no where near as aggressive so had to scale back accordingly. I'm pretty sure the guys won't find this in any section of their driver's manual. I'm trying to figure out when to introduce that line of logic.

So we got to mom's, grabbed her and were on our way. We were talking away and driving along when I started blurting out "I recognized that sign!! Grandma used to work across the street, didn't she?" "Hey! They still have that building up?!?" on and on this went much to the amazement of my mom and myself. I'm pretty sure the last time I was by any of this, I was 7.

It was sort of odd because I've been struggling to feel like where the heck do I belong? I never felt like Michigan was home because it wasn't, and Indy is such a big city that it overwhelms me. I've noticed that I make no effort to reach out to people at church. I'm friendly but that's about it. I think a part of me is wondering if this is just another blimp on the road. Goodness knows, I'm trying really hard to forget the past year. So to have stuff float up from my childhood just sort of makes me get weepy for reasons I don't understand. Naturally, I handled this all mature like by shoving it aside and focusing on the task at hand.

Like how did I get roped into this anyway?

Thankfully, all their stuff was already set up. They forgot there was a parade, so we had to go way down the country road and come way back across and ended up being at the tail end of the parade and slowly crept along to get to the vending area.

It was hot. Jared did a great job. I didn't sell jack but also made no effort. I got to see a different aunt and gabbed at her for a bit, and then ran and got food/drinks, and kept my mom from getting over heated. I'm not sure when my dad got there. He was there when we came back with lemon shake ups and elephant ears. Hung out and waited for J to give me the look and then I would use that as my escape.

He never gave me the look. Dang it.

We ended up staying until closing time - 8 pm - and loaded up their van for them. We got in our vehicle, cranked the air conditioner and after 5 minutes, dude feel asleep. Well, okay then. Made my GPS have a fit because I had to pee since like noon but there was no way I was going to use a porta-potty. I deviated from her path, found a bathroom and spent a good few minutes thanking the Lord for indoor plumbing. Made it home and forced J to take a shower.

Insider tip - teenagers, especially early teenagers, are allergic to showering and/or bathing and possibly all sense of grooming. The older 2 are finally starting to realize that soap is their friend but I credit that to the fact that they have to shave on a regular basis or they about itch their face off. I see it as a win.

We got up the next day, went to church, grabbed some lunch, and went and saw the Superman movie. It turned out better than what I thought. I had no expectations for it and it turned out pretty good.

So that was that. I spent Monday doing laundry, listening to a sneak peak to Skillet's new album (love) and looking up renters rights and finding numbers for the health department. So when I call to threaten? I have my information at hand. Because the issues have not been dealt with and I was beyond annoyed. I'm about ready to put the hurt on someone. And that is strong talk for me because, really, I just rant and rave and do nothing about it. I don't know if spending the day with my mom did it or what my deal was but I woke up with war paint on and everything. So unlike me. Normally, I would be on my second batch of eggs from all the clucking and feather wringing.

No a/c, downstairs bathroom now has mold growing on the walls because it was supposed to get replaced months ago, dishwasher isn't working, and the drain is more moodier than I am. How is that even possible?!? Seriously. How can a drain back up for like 3 days and then make the mother of all drain noises where you are convinced some creature from the underworld is trying to crawl through the pipes, only to have everything back to draining just fine?

And Fred wonders why I'm a bit cranky.

So Fred called property manager, promises were made of phone calls setting time in mud because stone is just waaay too permanent and we can't be having that, now can we? But my mind was already a-whirling because angst was in full force and wasn't ready to go away. I had practiced my threats, because I can't do that on the fly, all planned out if said phone call didn't happen.


Phone call happened but it's only for the contractor to deal with moldy basement but no a/c. I was fit to be tide. And I don't even know exactly what that means. I had to spend an hour trying to figure out what to say because once you toss out violation of Indiana code and possible lawyer involvement, I'm pretty sure there is no going back.

I sat there and prayed, fumed, clucked fussed, prayed some more, practice my threats until I had it settled in my mind. Pulled on my big girl panties, strapped on my kick-some-@$$ boots, and mashed out the numbers on my phone.


Deep breath


Forgot to breathe


Tried to get caught up on my breathing, so I didn't sound like I ran up a flight of stairs


Oh good, it's going to go to voice mail - this will be an epic smack down threat


Get it together



Said who I was and apologies ensued forth, saying their maintenance guys are handling it but they aren't the most with it group and should be there within the next couple hours.


What can you say to that? Other than my true chicken self rose to the surface like the Phoenix of yore, enabling me to sputter out, "I don't mean to be a jerk but there was some slight confusion."

My big girl panties started to ride up my own booty chanting "Cluck, cluck, cluck!"

Honestly, I didn't realize I was such a sucker for a southern drawl telling me, "I'm so sorry ma'am, you wouldn't believe how messed up everything has been these last couple months and I promise you that you will have a/c no later than the end of the week and hopefully a new bathroom as well."

I knew I was a chicken and hated unplanned confrontation. God help you if I've had to time think about it, plan what I want to say and what points I want to get across, because I can bring it when I've had time to plan. But even I saw the wisdom of backing down the guns and not taking such drastic tactics.

My mother would be so disappointed, because her panties apparently tell her to do it as big, bad, and as drastic as possible. And it would have been done a month ago. I wonder where she shops for her panties because mine just have a bunch of feathers sticking out of them.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

So What's New With You Silent People?

Me? Been having a ball and been busy. We've been helping out a few of Fred's co-workers - everything from moving a single mom, to me running a gal to the hospital for a procedure.

Thy name is sucker.

Not really. We're trying to show that their assumption of Christians is a bit skewed. Sort of sucks to hear them talk about Christians are a bunch of jerks even though I totally agree with them, so trying to show that not everyone is like that. Needless to say, challenge accepted on changing their minds. On top of that, I'm writing 2 books sort of at the same time. A non-fiction for when I'm in a serious mood and the fiction when I feel like letting it fly.

I'm farther along with the fiction. Go figure.

Plus, I'm up to my ears in books to read. And I've finally got an area to scrapbook and I'm itching to get back into it. As Jared likes to point out at his book is so far out of date its just sad.

No pressure!

We went to the Creation Museum - had a good time. Love, love, loved the planetarium show!! I thought it was the best part of the whole thing. Michael is still going on about how comfortable the seats were. Not gonna lie - if I could have walked off with a set or two of those bad boys, it would be on! Highly recommend the place. I can't think of the word - what do you call the talking mannequins? Animation? Animatronics? Anyhoo, they did a great job. There was a bug professor that his eyes would track you - it was sort of creepy at first, but Jared got so into it that he sat there and went through the entire thing! And dude hates bugs more than I do, so that is saying a lot.

We had a lot of fun!

I wasn't sure how with it we were going to be because our stay at the hotel had us on the second floor with either a heard of people or a couple of hippos that were tramping around, back and forth, for hours. I think they got into their room by 1:30 a.m. and didn't settle down until like 3. I'm not sure how Fred slept through it, but I can tell you the rest of us didn't and the commentary was beyond hilarious. Either that or we were all slap happy. Both are possible.

After the Creation Museum, we headed off to Great Wolf Lodge. The place is geared for kids a bit younger then the guys but we still had fun. Their water park? Amazingly awesome!! Worked out well because J and I would have fried if we were outside for that long. There were a few rides that managed to remove and then reinsert my tampon. It got my attention. And now a few of you are screaming from the mental imagine you never wanted lodged in your brain.

Welcome to my world. The mental images I get on a regular basis is enough to keep me entertained for hours.

Normally, I stay clear of those cotton torpedoes, but it was the last day and better safe than sorry. Plus I was in the water, so duh. There was another ride that I'm fairly certain removed a layer of skin off my booty. We kept referring to this ride as the toilet bowl as you were launched into a bowl and swirled down a drain and shot out.

Toilet bowl.

I will now show restraint and leave off all jokes of feeling drained, a sinking feeling, and/or comments about feeling like a new turd.

I know - this is me showing restraint.

Lets just say, one should be veeeery careful how one sits in the tube and leave it at that. Or I could tell I learned really quick to pick up my booty off the slide to keep the skin intact, but I think you already got the point. I had fun going down the lazy river. I made Fred come with me and we held hands and floated along and just talked while the kids went and did their own thing. We were talking about the future and what will I do with myself once the guys are gone. I've decided I don't want to do anything normal. I'm not sure what that means but I've decided to toss normal out the window.

But we all hung out in the wave pool when we needed a break from all the stairs. Which was good because Jared and I both got a bit of heat exhaustion. Apparently, we are delicate creatures. Jared was up those stairs quite a bit and I think I stayed too long in the hot tub. I had a fever and felt like crap, and it took me 2 days to recover. Luckily, Jared bounced back faster than I did.

Took the guys to see Now You See Me and we're going to try and see Superman here shortly. We had my sudo sissy come down. I pulled a sneaky. Last time we visited my aunt, her Grammy, we were talking about these orthaheel sandals. I was asking her size and color just going with the flow of conversation. Later when I was on the way home, I got the nudge to get them for her.

Oh, the cackling with glee? It.was.on!

I sat and stared at that darn box for over a week just giddy. Plus I got some stuff for my lil sis as well. Toss in some Father's day sneakiness and I was almost overcome with being a major sneak. Exhausted, but the level of sneakiness had taken on a whole new level and I could.not.stand.it.

I almost spilled the beans a few times. Nicholas had to order me to keep it together. Oh my word. Those guys! I feel bad I haven't kept up with the nitty gritty of them just becoming more manly day by day. They are a hoot to be around. I have everyone say it's so sad I don't have girl time, but believe me when I tell you - there is never a dull moment around here! So proud of the men they are becoming. And Jared will leave you in stitches with his shenanigans! Love my guys!

We got the guys better music instruments, but it took a sweet forever for Michael's guitar to come in. So Friday rolled around with me getting up at the butt-crack of dawn to take the gal to the hospital, got home after 1 and then got the text that the guitar had indeed made it's appearance. I loaded up the guys and finished off our Father's Day shopping. Saturday arrived with me getting up early again to make a chocolate coke cake and then off to my aunts where I shocked her speechless. And then she called me sneaky several times and I even heard my full name. I'm fairly convinced had the boys not been there, I would have had a pillow smack me upside the head.

But it was epic! Had a ball blessing her. My mom called to find out the details as this is her sister, and we both got a good laugh about it. She said she would call her in a few days to hear her sister's side of it. I'm waiting on her email to tell me what was said. I think I'm enjoying this a little too much!

Had a really good day with sis - her and I went to see the same movie. I live to serve. And then Father's Day showed up and no one got up in time to go to church, so we loafed and loaded Fred up with his gifts. Jared got him a big gift bag filled with all his favorite candy. Either I over did it or dude has a lot of favorites. Both Jared and I watched him unload the bag and we both said, "how much candy did we put in there?!?"

His first guess was it was a bowling ball if that tells you anything.

And lest you think we are having too much fun, we had water in the basement again, the dishwasher isn't working, they STILL haven't install the air-conditioner, the downstairs bathroom they were supposed to fix now has mildew growing on the warped walls, and the construction trash is still out front. I get frustrated because if we're 5 days late with rent, we get evicted, but they can take a sweet forever to do something. I hope we can get a house this time next year because this renting business sucks!

And at long last, the bullet that can no longer be dodged, striking fear into our nerves - the guys are studying for their learners permit. They will have to log 50 hours of driving time before they can get their license but the moment is soon upon us. I thought for sure the rapture was going to happen first, and even though they have dragged their feet, it is time.

For some reason I now want to go get chips, salsa, and a margarita. Is that normal behavior?