Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Cricket, Cricket

And that is more than the comment section.

Seriously, where did everyone go? I have tons of people viewing my posts but no one says anything? Well, okay then. I'll just sit here and watch my ego shrivel up some more. Actually, it's shark week as I'm now referring to that time of the month, so that may explain all the emotions and angst. I had cramps so bad it felt like early labor. I haven't experienced that in many, many years, so you can imagine my surprise and had to take pain relievers like they were tic-tacs.

Side note, don't call generic Tylenol - Tylenol, because some pharmacy tech snob will go off about how it's a totally different drug because Tylenol isn't Ibuprofen. And do not have the words to express how much I don't care that I'm calling it by the wrong name, just hand me the stupid thing to make my pain go away or I'll let you feel some of it. Ahem!

Bet you wished you were here.

You really wouldn't want to be because as my Facebook friends know - there is a cricket around here and we are at war.

The little twerp has been hiding out in the back area where all the storage and laundry stuff is at and I haven't been able to find him to put him out of my misery. For weeks, I just turn on a fan and it drowns out his happy little song as it won't shut up all night long. Gosh, maybe it's a female cricket. That might explain some things.

Anyhoo and what have ya, I gave the guys haircuts and had all the lights on in this area and didn't get them shut off until we were heading to bed. Crickets don't like a lot of light especially at night, so crawled it's way over to a shelf that was right near my side of the bed. And then sang like it was audition night for American Idol. Right near my head. All.night.long.

I think it was about 3 in the morning I started tossing shoes at the shelf to try and scare the thing quiet. It sort of worked.....for like 10 seconds and then away it went. By 4 a.m. I got up and in my sleep deprived mind thought it was in the shelf, so ripped everything off the shelf poised with shoe ready to send that diva to the great cricket chorus in the sky. I only ended up scaring the crap out of Fred.

Turns out the stupid bugger was behind the shelf that weight a ton and I couldn't move it. So there is Fred looking at me with his own bleary sleep deprived eyes, taking in the scene of my crazy self with clothes and things piled around my feet, shoe swinging through the air ready to strike while I cursed the bug's very existence. I'll give him credit that he didn't bust out laughing. He was probably too sleepy to put that much thought into it. But he did manage to ask what in the world was I doing?

I looked at him as I banged my shoe on the shelf that I knew that little jerk of a bug was hiding behind, waiting for the lights to go out again so it could sing it's second verse of "I Will Go On". He raised his eyebrow and asked again to which I replied it should be obvious that I'm trying to kill a cricket. A noisy cricket that won't shut up. I did look at him and started to say, since you are up, help me kill this sleep stealer but dude just flop back on the bed and quickly rolled over.

My hero.

I'm pretty sure I gave the bug some sort of trauma, because after I shoved everything back on the shelf, flipped off the light but kept a shoe close enough to zing it should the need arise, I didn't hear anything until it woke me back up around 7.

I'm sure I was a lovely picture of not with it at church. The Spackling that I used known as make-up had it's work cut out for it that day. I did sit there and sort of compose my message to the cricket that sort of followed the lines from the movie Taken. And that's how I ended up with "Dear cricket that kept me up most of the night - I have a very particular skill set that makes me a nightmare for insects like you. (It's called a shoe) Leave my house now and you can live. Otherwise, I will find you, I will kill you, and the last thing your cricket eyes will see is my face twisted in maniacal laughter as my shoe crushes your head...and everything else. You've been warned."

That night, not one sound was to be heard in any area of the house. Thinking victory was mine, I could feel my smugness rising to new levels. Until I went to bed last night where it was happily singing away back near the dryer.