Wednesday, November 27, 2013

As The Chicken Clucks

On this episode of As The Chicken Clucks:

Something is clearly foul, because my feathers are thoroughly ruffled. Examples of said ruffling are as follows:

1) Had aunt flow show up and do jumping jacks on my uterus leaving me to crawl to the medicine cabinet and down a Midol or 3. And what joyous timing because I had to go grocery shopping.

2) Let me state that again, I had to go grocery shopping. I will give the guys huge kudos because they were able to keep up with me and armed the carts as I tossed things in their general direction. I call it sharpening their hand/eye coordination, but really I was just trying to wade through the masses and grab what we needed and get out. Thankfully they are use to this treatment and was able to snatch everything out of the air before it smacked them and/or innocent bystanders in the head. I have some sharp peeps, either that or they are terrified of getting creamed with a can of corn.

There was almost a throw down in the soup aisle. Started off with some lady had her cart blocking everyone off so her sister could dig through all the soup cans to get what she wanted. Too bad that wasn't gonna work for Ethel because she tried to shot-put Ed through the masses to get what she wanted. We were pinned so survival instincts kicked in and we just stood very still until the carnage settled down. No one was maimed so we live to fight another day. Although Jared did get a little too huggy with me and I yelled at him to back off and he scurried away. Hey, he was warned and he kept smacking that last nerve and then thought it was funny when I growled.

3) And this is the weirdest one. The other night we were watching House. (Why we get stuck on shows where I have to spend most of the time hiding behind a pillow so I don't barf and/or pass out remains a mystery to me.) So there we were watching as I was trying not to dry heave while they were operating on someone, when there was banging on the door.


Fred opens the door to answer it only to discover cops there with a search warrant and an arrest warrant for someone who we don't know but claims to be living here. This person had a looong list of crimes and the cop said this gal had used many addresses.

Naturally, you have to pick our address. Yet another reason why I don't like rentals.

So Officer Don't Mess With Me Or I Will Club You To Death demanded to search the place. Search away because she's not here and clearly I don't look like Shaniqua, nor do we look like the type to hang out with her at the local weave shop. But what I didn't appreciate is that they kept asking us over and over how long we had been here. Feathers were starting to fly as he kept insisting that we knew her. Plus, we had to show our id to prove we lived here. Right, because I always break in to a place and sit down to watch episodes of House on DVD. Really?

Honestly, I expected this type of stuff from the ghetto house and I can't say as I'm surprised about it from this neighborhood either. But I found it rather unprofessional that the guy couldn't own up to the fact that she gave them the wrong address (shocking that a criminal with a long record tends to do that) and kept acting like it was our fault. This really doesn't help the paranoia that runs in the family. I can't wait to tell my mom about it and watch her go off about the conspiracy of it all. Should make for a festive holiday discussion. She's already giddy because Grandma decided she wanted to go to my cousin's house instead, which is fine with everyone.

I'm still amazed that I was actually devoid of all sarcasm in that actual moment and didn't say much, which is rather rare. And bonus points, I didn't have a panic attack of yore so no actually clucking was done. This must be a sign of progress. Although we're all doomed if I ever run into situations like this with my sassy panties on AND full sarcasm mode set to level high. Good thing aunt flow waited until today to show up because that could have gone down badly. Because I really don't want to wear ghetto bracelets while be dragged away to camp no we can't get along.

After the cops left, we all looked at each other and cracked up laughing. We are a strange bunch. And I have to shake my head in confusion as to why we seem to get hit with the weirdest stuff. Maybe this is a sign that more good stuff is coming? This stuff doesn't happen to normal people. Which means we have actual proof that we aren't even normal. Not like this is a big shock. But it still seems sort of strange and sad all at the same time. Weird.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Pass The Cranberry Sauce And Call Me A Turkey

I am in the middle of holiday pre-pre-preparations. And by that I mean I am trying to make up my flipping mind what it is I'm going to do. Because Hubby dear's schedule took a swan dive off the cliffs of insanity and has left me saying poop.

The hospital that he works at is in the process of moving to a new facility, and if you know Fred you know dude can organize like crazy and works hard and long. His name came up a few times on who was going to be on the crew to do things. Which he knew this going in and we're all on board. It's just that I thought he was going to be at his normal clinic for the holiday party they throw and had things planned out. But now he won't bet there.

Well, okay then.

To try and make sense of this - the crew he normally works with is 3 other techs and 2 pharmacist and then we have adopted Nurse Dianne. I am so bad at blogging I now feel like I need to back up and explain things but sadly, I'm not. Simply because I got to get dinner going here shortly. But the total is 6 people to make up some serious goodies for and I had a plan. Besides, I now have a reputation to uphold. Either that or I need therapy because it just screams someone like me for all my baking goodness!

The hospital crew is a lot more than that and the thought of making up serious goodness times a lot of people makes me go hide under the table and holler ba-humbug! So now I feel all kinds of angst and not sure what to do. Like more so than normal angst.

But before I can really stress over that - Thanksgiving will soon be upon us. I'm amazed my folks have gotten better at giving me more time than 2 days warning that they are coming. They will also have my grandma. I've been wondering how she's doing. This is the first holiday season without grandpa and I can't imagine how down she must be feeling. Hoping we can cheer her up. If we can do that I feel like some sort of an award should be handed to us. She is as happy as an out of joint bone.....on a cold day....when joints ache. Exactly. Plus she doesn't really care for my mom either.

I'll let you stop and ponder that joyous little circle of gloom. I'll even permit you a giggle or five so long as I can join in. Secretly, of course, less they hear us and make our lives miserable.

Where was I? Ah yes, trying to get my turkey on. The downer is this place is a lot smaller and we're packing in extra people and for whatever reason that makes me get cranky. I don't like smaller living spaces. I think it reminds me too much of the apartment we lived in when the guys were little. I mean this place is so small - we aren't going to do a tree this year. I have an idea I saw on Pinterest but I'm still trying to get Fred on board with it. We shall see what his royal awesomeness comes up with because I got nothing.

Gobble, gobble!

Tuesday, November 12, 2013


I have been doing backstrokes in the pond of smugness the last couple of days. The twins have turned 18! We actually made it! If you would have told me 10 years ago that it was going to turn out okay and we would all survive and not kill each other, I would have accused you of smoking crack. Hey, it's possible. I don't know you that well.

But this means that I now have 2 adult children. And I'm still not sure how I feel about it, I mean, I'm still in my 30s. Granted, that number is going to roll over to a higher level here before too long, but it is so weird to think I have adult children. Especially when they will all pile on me when I cook their favorite meal. But I am just months away from crossing the finish line that I am both giddy and weepy. Or as the guys would say, it's just another day living with this crazy woman.

It was a bit sobering when their selective service numbers showed up a couple days before the blessed event. I guess that is the only government department that works ahead of schedule. Not thrilled with it but nothing we can do other than me crossing my fingers and praying like mad that the draft will never see the light of day again. I'm grateful for the men and women who make that choice to serve but it's a hard pill to swallow when you don't have a choice.

Anyhoo -

We've had epic craziness - took them to see Tim Hawkins and we laughed so hard our faces hurt. Sissy was with us so that amped up the crazy. It's been a fun week. I just see more and more of the men they are becoming and at times I'm amazed and other times I just roll my eyes and shake my head while laughing. They've both turned a corner these last couple of years, and it has given this weary momma's heart a surge of relief. This semester is quickly coming to an end and just one more to go and they are done!!

We haven't decided who is more excited about this - them or me. I think I'm the front runner.