Monday, April 21, 2014

Mixed Emotions

It seems to me like I have more than my fair share of mixed emotions, but I know that isn't true. I just can amp it up by a lot.

I'm going to a home school convention this week. It is one of the largest and I've wanted to go for years but haven't had the money for it. I was invited to go along with some of the gals that come down to the book sale. After some prayer, bought my ticket for it back in February and thought everything was all set. Then we had a few doozies and I thought I was going to have to pull out for - sigh - not enough money to go. God, however, has been providing right and left and let me know - I'm a going!

So grateful! Very, very grateful.

There have been years when I really needed the encouragement to just keep trucking along, but found nothing. I only had sheer determination to be obedient. As we are weeks away from wrapping up another year of homeschooling, I find myself in some pretty deep valleys of emotions. I am so thankful that I didn't give up. I am thankful that we did this journey of homeschooling.

I would like to put this out there that everyone's journey is NOT going to look the same. It boils down to what do you feel God is telling YOU? You can take inspiration from others and tweak it to make it your own, but I think the whole reason to home school isn't doing it just like everyone else. We're called to be living stones not the same batch of bricks.

Took me a long time to figure that out.

Know yourself, know your kid, pray a lot and be lead. Don't be so quick to do it like so and so. What worked for one year might not work for the next year and/or subject.

I am a little bit concern I'm going to hear some brilliant idea at the convention and I'm going to be tempted to feel all this guilt and condemnation for not doing that sooner. Or missing it entirely as Nicholas and Michael are coming down to weeks to being done entirely. Graduated.

And I want to bawl all over again.

There is something that is hitting me the hardest right now. They have worked hard! I am bursting with pride for them and how relieved (and amazed) I am to see how it all came together. And I want to celebrate that and applaud their hard work......and we know no one. We can't throw them a graduation party because we have no one to invite. I feel like a grade A loser. This whole moving to a whole new state their junior year has bit us in the butt. On top of that, our first year down here we only had 1 vehicle. Made it impossible to get involved in anything. The only time anyone at church has anything to do with them is when they want them to lead worship for the youth group.

It sucks. I'm not even sure there is anything I can do about it either. These are some awesome men and there is no one to recognize it and celebrate them.

I feel like it's my fault too. I'm a goofball and have sort of embraced the cynical part that most people are jerks and better to stay away from the drama. And I'm more social than Fred. Dude takes antisocial to a whole new level. We've gone through a ton of backstabbing over the years that we just don't put much effort to get to know people. I'm not saying that it's healthy but there are times when you can't take any more of people's lack of character and integrity. Blah. No easy answers. I already battle thinking I haven't done enough, be enough, do enough - this doesn't help.

But I'm going to shake it off and spend the next couple of days getting things squared away so I can take off for a wonderful weekend. If nothing else, I need the encouragement to get my head back in the game for Jared. I can smell the freedom, and I'm slightly giddy.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

That Moment Where I Bang My Head On The Table

While an argument could be made that I do this most days so therefore I'm not allowed to have just one moment - I would like to say, this calls for it's own special moment.

Did you hear about that rather large plan that disappeared or crashed and burned? Of course you have! What you probably haven't heard was all the conspiracies behind it. I can only tell you this as an informed person because my mother decided to flood my email box with every known theory that is floating out there as to why it happened. It's not that I'm insensitive, but after reading I think like the 30th email explaining the whys behind it is when I sort of gave up the will to check my emails.

My phone, of course, has other plans as it was announcing a new notification every few seconds. It's always a guess. Either my mom is on the computer hitting forward to everything she finds "interesting" or it's Sissy sending me pins from Pinterest that she can't pin.

Yeah, don't look so innocent like. If you're on Pinterest, you know there are times when you see something hilarious but don't want to pin it because you don't want people to judge you for what you just pinned. So we sometimes just send it on to someone or make a secret board. My secret board is flipping hysterical, but I'm so very grateful it's ahem, secret.

Wow. I just blanked out what I was trying to say. This can't be a good sign. Maybe I smacked my head a little too hard on the table this time around.

Oh wait, I think it's coming back. Airplane!

I asked Hubby dear if I was the only person out there that now thinks the missing plan is just the beginning of the series LOST. After he stopped laughing, which did take a while, he said he was pretty sure it was just me. And here I thought I was going to be able to find a group of like minded folks who are as weird as me.

I'm pretty sure that will never happen.

And for giggles, I sent my mom an email that it's okay I've seen all of LOST and everyone will be okay. She emailed back that if they are lost she doesn't see how they'll be okay, and I need to wake up and realize they are out to get us. I said yes, the man in black will try to but he doesn't get to win.

I guess I should mention here she had absolutely no clue what I was talking about and has never seen LOST let alone heard of it. Hey, wading through all those conspiracies takes a while, so she's a bit behind on some things.

Needless to say, she thought I was being a bit loony, which the irony of that statement made me laugh even harder. And it was all fun and games until my dad figured out I was being a smarty-pants and I got scolded via email. That is a new level of weird to get yelled at through an email. I was waiting for it to end with "go to your room" but sadly it didn't. I was actually looking for an excuse to go to my room so I could take a nap.

I think I need one to - we've had a dozy of a month. And added bonus, I was having a major meltdown with a side of crappy attitude and Nicholas called me out on it and was 100% right. It was weird to feel both proud that I raised him right, and completely frustrated because I got served up a plate of reality by my kid.