Monday, April 21, 2014

Mixed Emotions

It seems to me like I have more than my fair share of mixed emotions, but I know that isn't true. I just can amp it up by a lot.

I'm going to a home school convention this week. It is one of the largest and I've wanted to go for years but haven't had the money for it. I was invited to go along with some of the gals that come down to the book sale. After some prayer, bought my ticket for it back in February and thought everything was all set. Then we had a few doozies and I thought I was going to have to pull out for - sigh - not enough money to go. God, however, has been providing right and left and let me know - I'm a going!

So grateful! Very, very grateful.

There have been years when I really needed the encouragement to just keep trucking along, but found nothing. I only had sheer determination to be obedient. As we are weeks away from wrapping up another year of homeschooling, I find myself in some pretty deep valleys of emotions. I am so thankful that I didn't give up. I am thankful that we did this journey of homeschooling.

I would like to put this out there that everyone's journey is NOT going to look the same. It boils down to what do you feel God is telling YOU? You can take inspiration from others and tweak it to make it your own, but I think the whole reason to home school isn't doing it just like everyone else. We're called to be living stones not the same batch of bricks.

Took me a long time to figure that out.

Know yourself, know your kid, pray a lot and be lead. Don't be so quick to do it like so and so. What worked for one year might not work for the next year and/or subject.

I am a little bit concern I'm going to hear some brilliant idea at the convention and I'm going to be tempted to feel all this guilt and condemnation for not doing that sooner. Or missing it entirely as Nicholas and Michael are coming down to weeks to being done entirely. Graduated.

And I want to bawl all over again.

There is something that is hitting me the hardest right now. They have worked hard! I am bursting with pride for them and how relieved (and amazed) I am to see how it all came together. And I want to celebrate that and applaud their hard work......and we know no one. We can't throw them a graduation party because we have no one to invite. I feel like a grade A loser. This whole moving to a whole new state their junior year has bit us in the butt. On top of that, our first year down here we only had 1 vehicle. Made it impossible to get involved in anything. The only time anyone at church has anything to do with them is when they want them to lead worship for the youth group.

It sucks. I'm not even sure there is anything I can do about it either. These are some awesome men and there is no one to recognize it and celebrate them.

I feel like it's my fault too. I'm a goofball and have sort of embraced the cynical part that most people are jerks and better to stay away from the drama. And I'm more social than Fred. Dude takes antisocial to a whole new level. We've gone through a ton of backstabbing over the years that we just don't put much effort to get to know people. I'm not saying that it's healthy but there are times when you can't take any more of people's lack of character and integrity. Blah. No easy answers. I already battle thinking I haven't done enough, be enough, do enough - this doesn't help.

But I'm going to shake it off and spend the next couple of days getting things squared away so I can take off for a wonderful weekend. If nothing else, I need the encouragement to get my head back in the game for Jared. I can smell the freedom, and I'm slightly giddy.


Lilly said...

Congratulations on being almost done for another year and having two graduate! I wouldn't worry about not knowing people for a big celebration, your sons sound like wonderful, understanding young men, perhaps a discussion with them would produce an idea for a celebration that would suit them. When my sons graduated (we also home schooled) they were quite happy with a family dinner out. Love your blog, I think we have similar senses of humor. :D -Lilly

Joanna said...

Thanks Lilly! They've been telling me I'm making a big deal about nothing. After I asked them when don't I, we all laughed because it's true. They are fine with it. I think it's yet another round of insecurities rising up to ruin a perfectly good moment. Have to beat that sucker down with a stick. Or chocolate. Maybe a chocolate stick. ;)