Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Well That Was Surprising

Went to a family reunion and actually had a good time. Was the first time I didn't walk away with this overwhelming desire to slit my writs and end my existence. Guess there is a first for everything, so that's always a plus. Oh I kid. I'm a firm believer in sticking around if for no other reason than to piss people off who don't like me.

I have no idea if the guys had a good time because I ditched all of them and hung out with the ample amount of females that are in this clan and soaked up the estrogen. I felt slightly giddy from the hormone buzz.

But what shocked the snot out of me was everyone was telling me congrats on the guys. One cousin got me a gift and a touching card, and I heard my praises being sung for homeschooling. I was touched, surprised, and just a wee bit confused. These were the same relatives that have been telling me what a huge waste of time my life has been and how I was screwing up my kids. For years I've been hearing all the negative. Now on the other side of it, everyone was applauding my effort, saying what awesome men I have raised, how brave I have been through it all, and how they admire me.

Um, okay.

I had this moment of panic that I was at the wrong house with the wrong people until I saw my mom grinning at me. She actually winked at me. She heard all the same negative stuff from all the same people about me, so in a way this was a nod to her too.

I found myself trying to figure out what flipped everyone's switch. So far I've drawn a complete blank. Fred didn't escape either. Everyone was impressed that he "reinvented himself" and did a different career choice. Although I did kick him when he told one cousin he was a drug dealer. She doesn't have much of a sense of humor and judging from the look on her face, she thought he was serious. Then he got asked all kinds of questions about different medicine that they were taking. After hearing what all everyone was on and for what, I'm thinking maybe the side effect was the culprit to losing all the judgmental comments.

Jury is still out on that one.

The guys got asked all kinds of questions like what are you going to do with your life? They replied they are doing the gap year thing to give themselves some time to hear from God and try to get everything all lined up. I was braced for the negative comments and was a bit surprised when none came, and then grinned like proud momma hen when everyone said that showed a huge sign of maturity on their part. I was able to restrain myself from running up to Fred and doing a chest bump. But only slightly.

But that is off the checklist and on to the next hurdle. And that hurdle has the name of schedule and is it one big mean sucker! Someone is coming and going just about everyday. We had to brave stuffmart because the pantry is at an all time low and this is my only chance to get there since that schedule thing morphed into a giant mutant monster. Part of my brilliant plan was to get a dry erase board to help keep everyone on track with what all is going on. Now toss that brilliant plan out the window.

Why, you don't wonder? So glad you didn't ask because now I'm going to tell you. I couldn't find a white board. Found neon blue and green boards. Black boards, even a red board. But no white. Silly me thought the markers that the same company was selling would show up on their product.

That would be a big NO.

Now I have a black board already on my wall and markers desperately trying to tell me the schedule but sadly the black board is having none of it and is keeping everything a big mystery.

I now get to find pastel markers in hopes to see how crazy busy we are. Although, I'm starting to wonder why I'm even bothering. Work keeps calling me every.single.day as they don't have enough cashiers to cover stuff thus throwing all my plans right out the window. I'm still trying to recover from the weekend so I didn't bother to answer when my phone rang at 8 am.

Good-bye sleep! I'll miss you!

I have this annoying feeling I'm going to get another call tomorrow morning to see if I'll work. I might do it if the hours are daytime, but I'm not signing up to close on purpose. I'm still trying not to dry heave from having to clean up the bathrooms from closing this last weekend. I'm starting to hope there is a place in hell for people who refuse to clean up after themselves in public bathrooms. Has society really come down to gosh I just can't push the button to flush because I'm too important and therefore my sh!t don't stink? Really?

*shudder*

I will say I am so glad I didn't have to balance a job and homeschooling. When the kids were little and money always seems to be tight, I often wondered if I should get a job. For me, I'm not wired to do it. I come home drained and have very little patience to hear what the guys have to say. I'm glad I was home and gave them my all. They aren't always going to be little or even around, so I have a lot of peace that I did the right thing. Why, oh why, did that take so long to show up? Having spent years questioning if I was doing the right thing and not really knowing to now knowing, sort of makes me want to bang my head against the wall. Oh how I wished I would have walked in the moment and been more at peace than to question every step of the way worried! Also wished I could have held off doing this for a couple more years, but it is what it is.

Schools are starting up around here next week. J and I just laughed and laughed because we are still a month away before starting back up with him.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

I Knew It Was Going To Happen But...

I'm still amazed at how many times people feel the need to comment on my name while at work. While I can't actually say the name of the store, I'm hoping you can figure it out. Otherwise, I bet you are one of those people who have this ability for stating the obvious. You might also want to find another blog because I'm pretty sure you won't understand most of what I'm saying anyway.

Case in point, I was on hour number 6 of working. The place was a zoo, I was holding my own but was tired. I've been told by several people that I'm a very pleasant cashier. I'm sure those happy statements will fade away if I keep getting Captain Obvious strolling up to my register. His girlfriend put her items down for me to scan and I could just feel the comment bubbling up his stupid chute ready to explode out of his pie hole.

CO: "Hey! Your name is Joanna!"
Me: "Yup. Have any coupons today?"
CO: "You're so stupid. Why would you work here? You need to go work at a different store."
CO Girlfriend: "Knock it off. You're not funny."
CO: "So do you get confused and answer the phone wrong? I bet that would be funny."
Me: "Actually, I keep forgetting what my name is so I thought working here would help my cognitive memory. But thanks for pointing out my mental issue."
CO: "Oh my gosh! I am so sorry! I was only kidding!"
Me: smirking "So was I."
CO: "Wait. So you can remember your name?"
Me: "Unless I grabbed the wrong name tag again...."
CO Girlfriend: "Would you just leave her alone!"
CO: "Well good luck with all your issues."

Oh buddy! You have no idea. I could have been a horse's arse like you! I didn't even say that out loud, so as far as I'm concern - this was truly a huge moment for me.

I think I can maintain composure for like 5 hours. After that - not so much. By hour 8 I think I actually called a guy Captain Obvious. I can't remember, it's all a blur right now. Huge moment gone.

So....

I'm surviving. I no longer come home and just stare at the wall thinking about back flipping into a pool of despair. But that may be because I haven't worked all week. I don't know if it's a goof with the schedule or what. I can't get a hold of any of the managers to find out. Maybe it's to let me recover from last week? Highly doubt it, but don't know what else to think.

It's been a bit overwhelming to keep numbers and stuff straight. About the time I get the hang of it, I'm on to something else. Sunday was crazy register day. It was crazy but me, being me, was able to handle it and seem to entertain people while I was at it. I actually like doing the register. I was put at the cutting table last week and if I'm honest and open, my mind slid to the dark side and thought of just cutting myself up and mailing the remains home.

Let's just say - I didn't get the hang of it and leave it at that, m'kay?

Actually, no. Let's just go there. I felt my brain giving up the will to take in oxygen. I could not get the hang of cutting the fabric. I could handle the devise and ringing up the ticket, but could not get the fabric to work with me. I was all thumbs and couldn't keep my hand on the fabric the proper way. It sat there totally mocking me too. It shimmied, it slid off mark, and pretty much was like a slippery wet baby that was not going to be contained.

It was felt. The most unslippery fabric out there.

I was dreading this, and before you say I jinxed myself, I would like to think I had some discernment and already knew where my weakness was at....and it was the cutting table.

Nemesis - thy name is fabric.

The only thing that redeemed last week was I got to straighten up stuff and return things to stock in the scrapbook area. I was a happy camper for the last hour. Until people started asking me where stuff was and I had to stand there and say, "I have no idea." and try to slink away before they asked me another question showing just how much I didn't know. Granted, this was only like day 2 of actually doing things, but it is pretty much sink or swim type of environment.

I'm not sure where I'm at in that equation. Feels like sinking.

But I would like to state that I am now convinced my man is not even human as he thrives on working. And dude can work 14, 16, even 18 hour shifts. I would also like to state I now feel like an old used up dishrag. I don't even have any chocolate on hand. Tragic on so many levels.

I'm actually surprised by all the reactions I've been getting on Facebook. I haven't had a paying job in 19 years and I'm not thrilled to be doing this but don't have much of a choice. My phone about wore itself out from all the notifications and emails of people wanting to know what's up. I had some people give the impression that they are relieved that I'm finally getting off my butt and making an effort in society, and then on the other extreme people are dismayed that I'm giving up on being a mom.

Seriously?

I'm not sure if I've isolated myself to the degree that I'm surprised by unsolicited advice, or if it was an ill-timed comment when I'm not sure how I feel about all of this myself. Depending on the day, and the mood, I have a different opinion. I sort of feel at war with myself.

It doesn't help that the schedule is all over the place. I understand it takes time to get on the schedule etc. but keeping things running smoothly on the home front takes planning and all this juggling has been hard on my nerves. Everyone keeps telling me I'll get there and it'll be old hat. Just not sure how I feel about the hat.

Monday, July 7, 2014

It's A New Day

I'm not entirely sure what type of day it will be but it is new. I sort of felt bad for making it sound like the guys aren't doing well driving, which the fact that I even felt guilt for expressing what I was feeling in a moment should tell you the paranoia is still alive and well.

They are doing fine. It just takes practice. And squeezing in all these extra minutes here and there has proven to be challenging. Toss in the fact that the car insurance company has raked us over the coals - times 2 - and then come up with paying for gas on 3 vehicles all while Hubby is still in training and hasn't seen the raises yet has left us scrambling. All that equals up to this chic went out and snagged a part-time job. So did Hubby but that's for another story.

Dude is part cyborg and I honestly don't know how he does it. I'm freaking out about juggling everything and he works like a dog and doesn't bat an eyelash. He works full time at the hospital and part-time at a Menard's in the evening. The guys mowed the lawn yesterday and Hubby went out and raked the whole yard, logged in more driving time with the guys, it was his night to cook, and he worked a 4 hour shift. And this is his weekend off from the hospital.

I am not worthy to carry his slippers.

But all of this has caused a lot of feelings to come bubbling up. I knew I was an emotional mess but holy smokes! I feel like I'm getting tossed all over the board here! Honestly, if I were try to put it all out here of what a hot mess I've been over it, your eyes would give up the will to read. It's been hard on me and right now I'm freaking out about scheduling and getting everything done. The thing I'm sort of steamed over is I just got all the transcripts done, just felt like I got the guys squared away and now I'm off to a job and leaving it to them to hold the fort down. Part of me is having a hissy fit because when was I going to have some ME time?

And I'll wait as you catch your breath from laughing hysterically.

I told myself all winter long to hang in there, the older guys were almost done and that is one huge check off the list, and then I could focus on some other things. Ha! That was funny! Except now I'm mad at myself and feel like somehow I should have seen this coming (I didn't) and that I should have planned better. If I only had a nickle for every time I thought that!!

It's kind of hard too because everyone is so excited for me because and I quote "it'll get you out of the house". I'm sorry, but have you seen the people that are out there? And you want me to go be a part of it because why??? And judging by people's reaction they seem to think I've suffered being at home and are totally blowing off how upset I am over all this change.

Hey! Guess what? I STILL DON'T LIKE CHANGE!!!!

It's a fabric and craft store and if you squint, my name is in it. I think this is the only place I could survive at since I've been doing crafts forever. The funny part is I hate to sew. All thanks to an unfortunate bobbin incident when I was in junior high taking a home ec class. (I couldn't get the stupid machine threaded no matter how many times I tried. It was pitiful. I even looked at the teacher and said just hand me my failing grade now and put us both out of our misery. Hard to believe I redeemed myself in the cooking section and was the only reason I even passed.)

I sort of begged to not have to be near any of the sewing and when asked why I said sewing machines can sense my fear. They laughed so hard and said I was hired. I'm not sure I'm going to get my wish.

Actually, funny story about that is - the night before my interview I was all over Pinterest to get ideas and what to say etc. I go in and I'm asked to tell a bit about myself and why I want the job. I got to the part where car insurance is the devil and they are robbing us blind so I need money, and the lady hiring was nodding her head and we ended up having a half hour rant about car insurance and it turned into 2 friends catching up over coffee.

Never asked me any of those questions I spent all my time preparing to answer.

Fred laughed so hard when I told him. He was on the floor gasping for air saying only I could skate out of answering questions and turn it into a social gathering. I'm not sure if I should be insulted. Personally, I think he's just jealous because he's not good on the social skills.

But thanks to modern technology, I got to do all my paperwork online. Cue some evil form of music because that whole mess was enough for me to give up the will to live. It took days to wade through all of it and after being on hold with tech support for a few hours all while I tried really hard to understand what the Sam hill they were saying, I'm pretty sure the eye twitch started its own theme song. I thought I had it all done as that's what the confirmation email said, but sadly I go on my first day only to have it say nope! We spent hours with more tech support and I was sent home to try and fix it on my end. More hours wasted, and a whole lot of cussing muttering, I think it's all fixed. But by the time this all got squared away, the managers had left....to go on vacation.

This is way too much effort on a job I didn't really want to get as far as I'm concern. And to top all that off, I feel like God has been extra giddy about this and I'm not sure what to make of that. Which I've had choice words for Him about this whole ordeal, let me tell you! Life has not gone according to plan. Every time I try to plan, it goes up in smoke. I think I keep hoping God is going to swoop in and fix everything and I'm finding He hasn't therefore He's not going to, so time to put on the trudging shoes and get on with it.

Oh trudging! How you never seem to really go away.

I'm sure this will give some interesting new blog fodder. Certainly looks like I'm going to need more therapy before this is all over with. Especially since they just called and I'm going in this afternoon. Oy!