Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Well That Was Exciting

Had our main computer go belly up. Or more like it was in a self-destruct count down that we weren't aware of and every time we turned it on, it thought to itself - soon, and then silently cackled. Naturally, it would have to be to itself, because I would lose it if the computer just started to cackle. I would hose it down with holy water, or maybe just water, and tell the devil to come out of it. Or possibly pull all the wires out of it and chuck it out the front door.

But I digress.

Nicholas turned on the suicide computer and he said it sounded like it was winding up for lift off. I'm no expert, but that can't be a good sign. I guess it went on to make all kinds of groans and noises that I had to ask if smoke was pouring out of it. I was given that look that only I can get. That look that screams "are you for real?!?"

I would like to take this moment to point out I am not a fan of that look. So much so, that I feel it forces me to amp up whatever it is I'm doing just so I can remain queen of the dork. It's moments like this I have the urge to call my parents and apologize for being a teenager and then thank them for surviving as that gives me hope I'll survive.

I decided to take a nap instead because I have a feeling my mother would not be merciful on that conversation.

So we got a new-ish computer tower and it has worked very well. I'll leave off this is the first chance I've had to sit down at it as other people were hogging it and my work schedule is strange. I had no idea what type of a panic I would have as I had to try and remember all my bookmarks. Plus, I had my grocery shopping list template like thing to re-do. And that is a royal pain in the buuutttt it's worth it.

I know. That was lame. I have no excuse. I'm running on very little sleep. I'm not sure what new phase this is but I can barely stay awake till midnight, but I'm awake at 5:30 a.m. For a night owl like me, I feel like my body is pulling some shady betrayals.  I blame it on I had to close the last 3 nights and closing just kicks any and all ambition out of me. I have the next few days off and today my body was like I ain't moving! You'll just have to pee on yourself cuz not.moving!! Which is going to be odd since I need to go grocery shopping.

I'm sure you can just pick up on the glee and excitement from there.

But something that I'm still feeling giddy about is I put in my 2 weeks notice. We have so much stuff going on that I'm not available to do much. Still waiting on a closing date but it may just be a couple weeks away. And just tons of stuff to do. I thought I would be feeling more relief but instead I'm battling feeling overwhelmed. If that wasn't enough I had a few nights last week where I was just gripped with fear and lots of what ifs. Not fun to walk through it, but it has certainly been an opportunity to invite Jesus into the middle of it so I can get healed and move along.

I was actually surprised to hear how upset all my co-workers were when they heard the news I was quitting. I mean, like come up and hug me and tell me that my smile made their day and they didn't know how they would go on without me to make them laugh. That took me by surprise. There are many times that it feels like the stuff I do day in and day out doesn't mean a hill of beans to anyone. So to get this huge out-pour from people who don't really know me that well knocked me for a loop. I know I've made them laugh - some of the stuff I've pulled and said over the headsets have left them all in stitches. Some of the cutting counter ladies will come up to me and said I made them laugh so bad one night that people thought they were all crazy. I can't help it. Humor is the only way I know how to cope. I'm going to miss my co-workers, but I am so not going to miss that job!

I do find it interesting that everyone wants to know what job I'm going to do next. I was briefly thinking about transferring to the other store, but I heard the manager is kind of a jerk. The only reason I was considering it was from all the fear that decided to hop up and down on my head. All I'm getting from God lately is "make yourself available" and "get ready" with no other details. I can't say as that makes me warm and fuzzy with this peaceful blanket enveloping me. More like this wonder of is that a good thing or a bad thing? How do you get ready for something you don't know? I had this weird dream like I was playing Wheel of Fortune and I kept asking for some vowels because there wasn't much of a sentence going on. Then I had a dream that I was a rabbit that was going all Sherlock looking for clues.

I have this horrible feeling it's all a strange cry for help but I can't seem to piece it all together. Not really. I just think dang I have issues and roll over and go back to sleep. Who has dreams like these??? Anyone? Yeah. Didn't think so. Gah!

And I've held Fred back for as long as I can on his crazy packing ways. We both have tomorrow off and I know what this means. I will have to stop him from trying to pack up the kitchen. I'm not complaining too hard. Dude has a gift. He won't let anyone help him pack but there is a reason. I can ask him where something was from 3 houses ago if we still have it and where is it. It takes him about a minute to remember where it ended up, and then goes and brings it back! It is truly something to behold. Yet he can't remember the 3 things I send him to the store for. Never fails. 2 or 3 things, he will forget something. Makes my head hurt. But we've always joked it takes both of us to make 1 normal person. Except you could probably question how normal that person is but that's a whole different story.

Hopefully we won't have another drama filled move this time. That last one - oh my word! I've been telling Fred he better stay healthy and he, of course, caught a bit of a head cold and we've all been avoiding him and making him take Vitamin C. Don't want to get hit with the plague again especially right when we need to move. And here's something weird. I've had lots of people offer to help us move. Come again??? I'm not really sure how to respond to that. Part of me is so use to people not being there that I'm like yeah, okay we'll see if you actually show up. And then the other part of me feels all panicky because I'm like how are we supposed to feed people?!?

Drama. I don't save it for my mama. I tend to let it kick me in the can and then back up over my head so I can feel all overwhelmed and refuse to come out of my blanket fort.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Wheeeee!!

Because that is the sound you make when you are on a roller-coaster ride. Either that or AAAAHHH!! but I've already used that for a blog post title. I'm not really sure I've caught up with everything that has gone down this last month. And believe me, there was a lot of stuff and a lot of angst shoved in there for good measure. As only I can do with life, I guess.

Seriously hope you have a snack to carry you through, because this is going to be long. Matter of fact, close your eyes for just a few seconds to try and rest them up for this. Ya good? Good.

Right after J's b-day, serious teenage angst went down. For days. I'm standing there listening to the rants telling myself that jail isn't worth it and stripes really aren't my thing, so I needed to hear them out. Suddenly everything I say is crippling and damaging. I already know I've struggled with my tone of voice - I've joked I come from a long line of screamers. And I have been guilty of having a pretty hard bark. But when I come home from work and their chores aren't done and all they've done is goof off? Well, honey, buckle up for that chewing cuz y'all earned it! In their defense, that has only happened twice.

But the problem I'm having is they are constantly assuming they know what I'm thinking. I told their dad he has not taught them well if they think they can know what a woman is thinking. Talk about pressure! Now I have to stop and second guess myself over everything I'm saying. Then I get irritated and just end up saying nope, and let er rip! I had one say to me, you said this and I'm like, no I didn't. I said this. Well that means you think this. Noooo it doesn't! I never said that, thought that, or implied that!
Fred had to stepped in and said you guys are falling into a trap most men make. The main woman in your life is not your be all, end all. You guys can't look to your mom to validate you. That's not her responsibility or any woman for that matter, you have to get that from God. He then proceeded to pull out every John Eldridge book we own and told them to have it. I think M is more than half way through everything. A miracle has happened as N has picked up a book as well - voluntarily. And it's also a miracle Fred stepped in and calmed everyone down. Wait, that's not really a miracle because he just does that without really trying. It was just a miracle he was around when a major angst rant went down. But they've seemed to all chill so yay for John's books coming through again! (His book Killing Lions is really, really good for guys just leaving high school and collage age.)

We heard from our car insurance company. The guy is STILL in the hospital. He's having a lot of respiratory issues. About the time he gets out of ICU and into a room, he gets an infection and back down he goes. But they did get a lawyer and filed a claim. Thankfully our insurance company has decided to pay it to protect us. I have mixed emotions about it but want to just put it behind us and move forward. The lady did try to make us feel better as she said the guy isn't an upstanding citizen and has a very long history of criminal activities so we shouldn't feel bad. What can you say to that? And dude is white, so nobody better start any race junk.

Another round of angst was getting the mortgage company to commit. They finally said yes the day before we were to sign another year lease with the worthless rental company. A house popped up a few days before this that we were REALLY wanting, but it was sold the day before we were able to go house hunting. Talk about disappointing! We did find a house. Kitchen needs an update but other than that we are thrilled with it and we'll be moving in July. Tons of stuff has been going on regarding all that.

What has cracked me up is the guys picking out paint color for their rooms. Typical Fred - came home with like 10 books of paint samples. You should have seen the struggle and careful consideration that was going on. Who knew watching all this back and forth was going to be so entertaining? Except for J who took a whopping 1 minute to pick out a color verses M took days. N picked out the same color combo we had in our den at our old house. He changed his mind when I pointed that out because the green was more green than olive as the paint sample shows. But we're laughing because they all picked out different colors but all in the grey tone. They are their father's sons.

However, it's looking like we aren't going to have a whole lot of time to get in and get a lot of painting done before we move in. My mom, who is addicted to pain fumes, is all giddy with coming in and helping. J's room is going to need primer first as obnoxious green needs to go bye-bye real fast. Seems to be the in color. Every house we saw had green. Some a nice green and some not so nice. Like this bright celery green color.

Now the kickster. This house is like less than 5 minutes from a different Joann's store. Not the one I work at. I want to quit. I felt like God was telling me I needed to make myself available especially for the guys as 1 car 2 people thing is going to get challenging here real quick. Me working has helped out a lot. I like most of my coworkers a lot, but the customers about drive me batty. I've been told I can transfer to the closer store, otherwise if I quit and need to get a job again, I'm looking at another 3 months before I get hired. If I do put in for a transfer, I feel the honorable thing to do is go through with it. I don't want to get to new store and say just kidding! I was talking with all the guys and I said I know I'm scared. I'm scared of moving to something new and have more crap show up and not have a way to pay for it.

I've been wrestling with this for months. When overtime is available - Fred is all over it and we're doing good. But we all know overtime isn't always available. So that makes me nervous. And just like satan - I get a text from someone and she goes for it. Can you afford not to work? I can't really repeat what I wanted to say. I should have responded with thanks satan for asking! But I have a feeling it would have flown over her head. And probably caused some angst.

We were all praying last night and N called me out on being afraid. He was right. He had a word for me and it rang true. Gosh, whoever raised these guys really did do a few thing right! Now I just have to tell the main boss lady I'm quitting soon. If I told her I was quitting now, I'm pretty sure she would kill me on the spot as we have inventory next week. I'm going to finish out the month. Which is a good thing because I came home from work and Fred has an abscessed tooth and will finally be going to a dentist. He's only had a couple busted teeth for like 10 years and is horribly addicted to gummy bears. I can't even say I told you so because I've been an enabler.

And top it off, the worthless rental company is slapping us with a $700 bill to pay for the busted windows they never replaced from the neighborhood jerks. They are giving us till the end of the week to pay it and they won't take our phone calls. To say I'm livid is an understatement. Their lease is worded to screw over the tenant at every possible angle. Last week the whole basement flooded. Nailed our bedroom again. And why does it flood? Because they refuse to replace the back basement door and won't put in new drain pipes like it has been recommended several times over. So the water builds up at the back door and when the drain backs up out front, it pours through. I came home from work, got dinner done, we all ate, and here came the flood gates. Fred was at work so the guys had to help haul the shop vac up the stairs and dump it.

I feel like all I'm seeing is dollar signs for everything. I'm trying not to bust out the ramen noodles and tell everyone to eat PB sandwiches. Because these years have been hard. Devastatingly hard. The ride has been bumpy. Matter of fact, I'm pretty sure we've gone off the rails a few times to boot. And all you can do is hang on and hope you don't crash and burn. The weird thing is I've learned you can rise again even after the crashing and the burning. Although I'm not sure what it says about me that now I make sure to always have a bag of marshmallows ready to roast in case of anymore burning.
Does this mean I'm carpe diem-ing? Or I'm more messed up than what I think?