Tuesday, November 20, 2018

Pre-Operation Procedures Are Overwhelming

Finally met the oncologist yesterday. I am convinced IU Cancer Doctors are at a level of chill the rest of us humans can only dream of achieving. Either that or they have access to the really good drugs.

My natural distrust of doctors is alive and well. One doc said if I would have stayed on bc pills I wouldn't be facing cancer. I said, "no, probably 15 to life for stabbing someone stupid." It should also be noted that some doctors don't have a sense of humor. The main oncologist thinks I am awesome, so yay for me. Her henchman thinks I'm an idiot. Actually, I did surprise him. Since Dr. Google and I had weeks before my appointment, this former homeschool mom researched the ever living crap out endometrial cancer. I started asking him about getting my genetic markers tested as I think Lynch syndrome could be a high possibility as there is a lot of colon cancer on my mom's side.

Let's face it, we all knew my name would be attached to a syndrome at some point.

So I scored some points. I got the whole what have you done with your life questions that moved onto what are the guys doing to prove if it was worth it questions. While they aren't there yet - they aren't a barista at Starbucks with 100,000 student loans so....suck it. (No offense to the baristas out there. I just think that's not the end all, be all type of job because dealing with people will cause one to drink...not coffee.) I get defensive - I can't help it. They all fall under the same creative type like myself and I think it's a hard road to travel as that path isn't very clear.

I still haven't found the yellow brick road and I'm starting to think that shady cat had something to do with it.

I was not prepared for the pre-op part. Like, at all. They run you through tests to see if you are healthy enough to survive surgery. Say what now? There is a butt-ton of stuff I gotta do starting now. They aren't happy with my blood pressure. Actually, they aren't happy I don't have a regular doctor. I get told I'm crazy, fat, lazy, and everyone of them get really angry when I say no to bc pills and/or whatever pill is the flavor of the day. For all the good they claim bc pills are to stop PCOS crazy, I've never understood why it came with its own brand of crazy that doctors want me to live with. My crazy isn't normal, but the pill's crazy is? And I'm the crazy one because...?

I had to get a blood pressure monitor as I got to check it 3 times a day for the next week. I got to give them readings of it because if it remains high I have to go on meds before surgery. I must have been nerves because I was down 30 points once we got home. I didn't think I was nervous. Well, I wasn't until they start poking and prodding, asking me everything I thought I might have come in contact with since I was 12, and then hooking me up to an EKG machine. You want to know what will make you nervous? Watching someone slap stickers on you and then pull out what looks like a bunch of jumper cables and proceed to attach me to said cables.

I'm pretty sure I felt a cortisol spike on that one.

I got to do breathing exercises, I have to eat a ton of protein, and then a week before surgery there is even more stuff to do. Everyone says clean like crazy because it's probably going to be 2 months before I can do anything. I invent reasons not to clean - I think I can handle that part. Not true, but it sounds funny.

Here's hoping I don't lose it, develop any eye-twitches, or have any crying spells.....today.

Wednesday, November 14, 2018

Well Ain't That A Kick In The Pants

When we last heard from our heroine, she was basking in the smugness of being all done with school stuff, forever and ever, amen! Sure it has been stupid busy, but when isn't it? My summer of me turned out not to be. Mainly because parallel parking is from the underworld and it took Jared longer to pass all that then expected. But we got through it! Then fall rolled around and we've been crazy busy with stuff at church.

Excuse to procrastinate? Possible. But pain finally forced me to go to the doc and deal with it. So long story short, George the angry uterus has been going overboard on the crazy. I was having cyst popping, cramps that reminded me of labor, and lets not forget the sheer amount of bleeding.

As if I could ignore that part.

Had tons of tests, was not getting much on answers as the internal ultrasound showed no fibroid, or cyst, so a biopsy was ordered. And then I got to wait and wait. Got the results back as early stages of slow growing endometrial cancer.


Thanks a lot George! Actually it's the PCOS being untreated, but don't get me started on that.

I knew hysterectomy was one of the possibilities, but wasn't ready at how fast I got toss to the cancer center. I haven't even gone yet as my appointment is still a week out. I know nothing. So Dr. Google and I are having a splendid time. While I'm still trying to process all of this, my mom has decided to tell everyone and their neighbor, and their neighbor's dog. I've had emails, texts, and phone calls annnnd I got no information to pass along. No date on the surgery, no idea what the next steps are - nothing! Nadda!

I'm starting to freak out how many people want to set up a vigil at the hospital. Eww. And why? I'm gonna get gutted like a fish and I heard gas is a pretty big deal, so I find that all kinds of awkies to have visitors while I'm ripping out tunes from down under.

In all seriousness, I am so grateful for the people that have been praying for me. It's sort of a terrible hole to go from a diagnosis to waiting to meet the oncologist. You can't really brace yourself on what's next because from what I've gathered it all depends on what stage you are and they really won't know that until they remove George and biopsy all of it on the spot. So there you sit and have subtle little thoughts. I think all the prayers have kept it to an annoying whisper instead of an overwhelming tidal wave.

I got everyone asking me how I feel. I feel the same as I have before the diagnosis. Nothing has changed physically yet all of the sudden I'm looked at differently. Weird. I told my Dad I think people make up their mind one way or the other before they even meet the oncologist what the outcome is going to be.

I've already had family members tell me that cancer comes from bitterness and unforgiveness. Gee thanks. But if that were the whole story this would have shown up a lot sooner. Which I'm not totally dismissing it, but genetics has a huge role. Endo cancer is from too much estrogen which goes back to PCOS which their only solution for it is bc pills which has estrogen in it. Say what now? (Oh look! I just went there.) So treatment is going to be interesting because there is still the root cause that no one really knows what to do with it other than bc pills. Toss in instant menopause, not to mention we don't know what treatments will be for the cancer.

Y'all better pray for my men folk because they really don't know what type of she-beast is going to be coming home from the hospital!

Part of me is pissed off because woo hoo I just got done with all the homeschool stuff! Now this? But I'm pretty quick to say thank God this didn't happen sooner! If this was a genetic fight I was going to have to face at some point in my life - then thank God it's now and not sooner! There was no way I was mentally strong enough to resist the temptation of giving up a few years ago. 6 years ago, 10 years ago.

At first I was like wait, I'm better now so I shouldn't be going through this! But I can also look at it I'm stronger now, I can beat this. Huge factor is it's slow growing and early stages. Gal I used to work with just died of stage 4 ovarian cancer and it was an ugly fight. A good friend of mine is still in a major battle with the same thing. It's a scary thing. Why does one body fight it off and another doesn't? Not every treatment works the same for everyone. My mom is on me to do it naturally - she beat colon cancer with no chemo or radiation. My husband, who works for a hospital, would say do whatever they tell me to do regardless of the side effects. And there's my butt is in the middle trying to hear what's best for me.

I think Jared is the one having the hardest with all of this. He's going to be stuck being my everything for at least a month. I was around his age when my Dad had his first heart attack. It's hard seeing your parent as being, well, human - fragile. But he's right in the middle of his own life getting some traction and have to put that on hold to take care of his mom - that's got to do a number on a person. I'm hoping that won't be the case. I've spent the last few years bending over backwards with his older brothers, I want to be able to do the same for him.

And who knows? Maybe this will force me back to writing again. Goodness knows this hole blog has been a big ol bowl of whining, so what's a few more rants in the mix?

Saturday, June 2, 2018

And We're Done!

That's right ladies and gents - we did it! My 17 years of homeschooling has officially come to an end. I'm still in the process of wrapping a few things up. I finished grading all his stuff which was nothing short of a miracle. Graduation announcements already went out, and his diploma is on the way. His driver's test is schedule which is a long and boring story that isn't going to get posted because clearly I don't post hardly at all anymore.

I'm going to slightly go off about car insurance because they seem to think people with teenagers have money. What a joke! The grocery store gets all our money. Enough about that or we'll be here till the cows come home.

I keep waiting for the emotions to show up and go all ugly cry, but this time around I feel nothing but this intense feeling of relief. And smugness. Lots and lots of feeling smug. With the twins I was all Sunrise, Sunset total mess. With Jared - I feel relief, satisfaction, and again that smugness. I seriously want to do a shout out to all the haters. I was posting stuff on Facebook about being done and had to laugh at who liked it and who was silent.

Haters gonna hate.

I so wish I wouldn't have wasted so much time and energy on people that clearly didn't have my back, didn't have my family's best interest in mind, and were just fake. Oh to have a talk with my younger self! Perspective is an amazing thing - if only it would show up sooner rather than later.

In the middle of all this craziness, Michael got a newer car. Dude was in a couple fender benders over the winter, so he saved up his money to get a newer vehicle. He ended up getting a really good deal on a much newer car than he thought possible. Totally debt free. So proud of him. However, his old car is still here. Have I mentioned we have like zero parking space? 5 cars is barely do-able. We now have 6 cars. We tried to see if Jared would like it as it's newer than his but he doesn't want it. Remember that scene where Mr. Incredible is squished in the car? Almost an accurate picture. Michael is the same height as me (poor shrimp) and Jared is 6 ft. so it's not going to work. I think a friend of his is going to buy it, but he has to save up some money.

Here's hoping my eye-twitch will be able to survive the month with an additional car eating up precious curb space.

Nicholas did get another job, he was only out of work for a total of two weeks, but he was still getting paid from Sam's Club as part of their severance package so he got a double paycheck for almost a month. The whole thing still sucks, but life is like that. Menard's built a new store just around the corner from our old rental place, so he's familiar with the area. They pay more and they really like him. Couple of cooperate people say he has excellent customer service and two different managers are trying to get him to go to their department.

I got everyone asking me what am I going to do with myself and free time. That makes me laugh because I don't have free time. I am pulled all over the place to keep everyone else squared away. I would like to express my disappointment that no one has written a What To Expect Now That They Are Grown book. I seriously could use one and explain to me these different stages. Is it awesome? Yes! But this stage seems to be a lot more busy. How is this possible???

Although, having adult children means I'm getting pretty spoiled on Mother's Day these last few years. Guess it's making up for all the years it wasn't great. They got me a robot sweeper thing! I feel like I need to say it exactly like that, because I can't figure out how to program it.
I feel so dumb.
I've started to drop hints at Nicholas, our tech guru, that he's gonna have to 'splain it to me. This sucker has different modes, which again, I can't figure out. I can't put it on a timed cleaning schedule because so far the little squirt gets hung up under one of our chairs. It got stuck in a couple different spots too. So it's like a toddler that needs some supervision. And I need help on how to make it behave.

I should be able to figure this out. I've been around technology my whole life so I should know how to make things work. I was on the phone with my dad the other day and he couldn't figure out that I had text him a picture. He kept saying he was on Messenger and couldn't see the picture, which isn't the same as texting. We went round robin for 5 minutes, so I ended up sending the picture through Messenger because it wasn't clicking with him.

God, help me! That better not be my future.

My folks did congratulate me on finishing my race. I'm going to bask in that glow because it's gonna fall flat here shortly. My niece is getting married, like tomorrow. It's a five hour trip one way. It starts at 4, on a Sunday. We can't go. I have a few valid reasons why we can't go, but I can tell you, it hasn't gone over very well with my mom. At all.


For now, I'm just basking in the glory of finishing the race. It's not a graceful crossing mind you, but more like a face plant across the line. But I did cross it so hooray!

And if I could do this - and believe me, there were A LOT of people along those 17 years who told me that I couldn't do it, then I wonder what else I can do?

Seriously, I'm taking suggestions. And I need them quick too, because my mom seems to think I need her to fill in my time now. (Insert some heavy sighs, muttering, and a couple swear words tossed in for good measure.)

Hope everyone has a happy summer! Because I have a stack of books I'm planning on reading.

Thursday, January 18, 2018

That Moment When I Actually had 15 Minutes To Myself And Remembered I Used To Blog Once

Who am I kidding? I haven't had 15 minutes to myself since in....well.....a long time ago.

Life has been moving faster than a speeding blender. I'm surprised at how fast the holidays came and went. It feels like a sneak attack, which is odd because it's the same time every year. It's not like the date changed or anything for crying out loud. It just sort of BAM! right there on my things to do list.

Don't get me started on that darn list either. Right now, I'm doing this weird negotiation with it where I'll do the 10 loads of laundry today so long as I can put off the 20 other items I have been avoiding for the last week. Very much like a hostage situation. Hand over the clean undies and I'll think about balancing the checkbook. No. That doesn't sound like a hostage situation. That sounds like an average day living with guys.

Y'all, my dudes or dudettes, life has just been nuts. I can't keep up with up it. We had a great Christmas. I found myself with this intense need for wrapping paper where I threatened to get everyone a package of socks and individually wrap the socks. I blame all of this on having adult children. Adult children are a whole different breed that you really can't prepare yourself for all the shifts and changes that seem to be happening all the time. Michael got a different job (yay!), the Sam's club Nicholas is at is closing (boo!), and Jared is on his last semester of high school (oh hallelujah!).

We keep saying this stage is so weird. 20 years ago the biggest issues the guys had was please help me tie my shoe. Now we have hey, help me file an insurance claim on my car from a fender bender. (I can't even begin to blog about that or how that took the starch right out of me, but the boy is fine and his car still runs so yay for the small things.) It's weird things too. Once upon a time, we could all binge watch TV shows. Now? It takes an act of God to align everyone's schedule just to see a movie.

Time. She be a marching on. And apparently has no brakes. Jerk.

I will say it does this mamma's heart good to see how the guys really are getting their crap together. I was very doubtful it would ever happen, but just to see them step up and do adult things makes me sigh from relief. The older 2 have a couple ideas they want to pursue if life would stop throwing monkey-wrenches at their plans that would be great. They are very active at church and are all over the place.

It looks like Fred and I are getting dragged into leading a life group. I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. However, God has really been helping me to let go of people's opinions about me. Anytime I'm feeling like God is pushing me to do something and I try the but God, so and so said this about me so this is why I can't; He's pretty fast to say so what? Who are they? They don't know what's in you. How do you get out of that one? Who knew I had so many limiting beliefs?

But this seems to have triggered some weird nesting thing where I want the living room painted. Like now. As in no way do I want people to stare at this ugly wall color like I have for 2 years. Hubby is looking at me like I'm nuts. I mean more so than usual, because time is not on my side. He's not available because his work schedule is just nuts. Plus there was the whole kitchen painting episode where I'm still not sure if I like the color. It's been 5 months. I put up a few pictures that work well with it, so I'm warming up to it.

This has not instilled confidence is the Hubster. But I keep pointing out I'll be doing all the painting, and then quietly whisper he has to move everything out of the way. Although I might see if Nicholas will help me with it. It's not like he'll have anything else to do but look for a job. (I am so mad about the whole thing. I just can't even. No warning, no guarantee to move them to a different store which is way out of the way. Nothing. I'm seriously thinking about canceling my membership which I've had since the mid 90s. So not happy. And the poor guy has been pulling 9 hour shifts because of the sheer onslaught of people it has been so overwhelming. He comes home looking like a zombie. Irked. I better stop before I go off on another rant.)

In the midst of all the crazy, I'm trying to convince myself to go see a doctor. I got ovarian cysts popping like popcorn and sweet mercy the pain! I'm a bit leery as most doctors will say cyst happen so suck it up. But it's been increasing over the last year. Of course, I need to stop being a baby about it and make the appointment. All the what-ifs and past doctors being aloof doesn't instill much confidence. Right now I'm playing rock, paper, scissors with myself. I'm not really sure who's winning. A couple friends are on me to just get a hysterectomy, but I'm not so sure if I'm trading one set of problems for another set of problems.
Decisions, decisions.